I got convinced by a friend… to share a part of my story and offer for others to share theirs.
So here it goes…
Robin William’s death probably wasn’t a huge deal to many of ya. He was loved for his work (especially in film) and many were sad but it was a little different for me. I was at the time hospitalized and It was about three years before I finally got out. I had had a girlfriend there (you’re not supposed to but we were bad,) that had a full mental breakdown some months before and gotten shipped off to a more restrictive ward. I was alone, and still trying to work my program and get out. And I knew he suffered like me and his death was like a hammer to my face. I was really tore up. I ended up spiraling further out and started cutting myself again, and I had one group… where I flipped out on everybody screaming and got tranq’d. Woke up strapped to a bed and just cried for hours. I just wanted to die right there. I never felt so weak. I kept thinking that I can’t do this again. I’m not strong enough… and finally something inside me broke, and I said inside… I have to try. That was the true beginning of me really trying to get out of there. Before I had just wanted more freedom so I could fuck my girlfriend on the stairs… but this was real. I finally wanted out. I finally wanted out, and back into my life. So, I guess in a way I got Mr Williams to thank for me even being here. It broke me so far down that my desperation led to inspiration… and maybe a little bit of healing too. 🖤
This is very emotional for me. Please be kind. I’m trying to use this as a way to heal and feel free to share your own stories if able to. 🦋
PS I don’t really want to answer questions about any of my time there. I did that on a now closed thread a couple months ago and I’m not emotionally ready to do deal through that here today too. Be safe and be well. 🌸
Oh my. I'm glad you found a reason to want to get back to your life. Psych hospitals are some of the worst places... Robin Williams was an inspiration. His death was very sad and kind of speaks volumes about how some of the people who try the hardest to make others smile are the saddest and ones fighting the biggest of battles.
I had to chuckle when you said you had a girlfriend there and were bad. It sounds like something I would do. Haha.
@MemoirsOfTheDamned She was so hot and wild. Might be the prettiest girl that I’ve ever dated. Or at least in the top, but she was so very bad for me. She was even more troubled than me and totally didn’t give a fuck about life at all, except finding fun where ever she could. We almost got caught on the stairs once. I was holding the top of the stairwell and she was going down on me and I when I hit my O I fell back and almost pulled the fire alarm. It was close. lol
@MemoirsOfTheDamned yeah, I would have been fucked (not literally.) They didn’t allow romantic relationships and I’d have been put in a more restrictive mode and lost all my freedom or maybe even get shipped off to a different ward like she did. Most likely, I would have stayed there because it was just breaking rules and not something psychotic related.
@JustGoneNow Yeah. I remember how strict it was back in one of the wards I was in, I got in trouble for having a member of the opposite sex walk me back to my room. He was another patient and they didn't like that. I was dizzy from low blood pressure and had fallen once already. He was just being being kind but they didn't want the chance of any romantical relations going on.
I remember one of the girls who I was playing cards with had said "But it would be the same if a girl walked you back to your room. If you wanted to bone, you would have boned either or, right ?" LOL. She was funny.
@MemoirsOfTheDamned I’ve only had one stay that went from a pink slip to a long term ward. I was there from early 2007 until a couple weeks before Christmas in 2017. I wasn’t expected to recover.
@JustGoneNow Oh my. I couldn't imagine. I'm so sorry :( I'm glad you got out though. Did they take your phone and things away from you? The wards I was in wouldn't let us have phones, earrings, hair ties, necklaces, tie strings in our clothes... So on and so forth
@MemoirsOfTheDamned same. no internet at all. my body piercings all closed up. I couldn’t even have spiral notebooks or anything because I was on su!c!de watch, for much of my time. crazy how you can still find ways to cut if you want, though. that’s when I quit using shampoo on my hair because the shampoo was horrible harsh and used to fry out my hair. Not like it mattered, though. We all had some fucked up short ass dyke haircuts anyways. I mean I am gay, but fuck… these weren’t even cute pixie cuts or nothing. Not like we had anybody to impress. Everybody looked all natural. Ha ha. One of the first things I did when I got out was put on makeup. I wasn’t even going out, I just wanted to feel it on my face and feel pretty for a change. I don’t really wear much but a little powder blush and some lip gloss was like heaven.
@JustGoneNow We were allowed to have makeup. If we used it in the presence of a nurse, but we had to let our parent or significant other or whoever brought it to us take it home when we were done. I bet you looked good even with your "bad" haircut.
My step-dad visited me often before he passed. I missed my first niece being born because I was locked up. But they let me have my phone for five minutes at the nurse's station to see the new baby. 😭 I was allowed to have my own hair care products, but I was one of the ones that weren't allowed to have the hospital issued razor for shaving the legs because I was on suicide watch. Which was better for my legs because I had seen how awful those razors were lol. They were navy blue with two blades. Or maybe it was three. I don't remember exactly.
