Dear, Katherine

This is the second letter I'm typing out to you without the intent to ever send. I know it's been over a year and I should've probably written far more. But I guess I always just assume you've forgotten me the way that time forgets all beasts that wander a gentle Earth. I guess I just assume everyone forgets me. I wonder what would've had happened had I never left. But I know you are a woman of your own world. Time and space gravitates around you like the pull of
the brightest sun. And I am just a small comet caught in that alluring and beautiful pull that could never be escaped.
I am still a boy in so many ways. I often wonder at what age you become a man. Is it when you first have sex? Is it when you do something spectacular? I must be a long way off if either of those are true.
What life lived that I've written these letters with the knowledge that I'll likely die having never showed them to you. With you never knowing the impact made by falling stars in eyes so bright.
The same as Alysa. The same as Powell. The words never spoken are so often the loudest and most resonant throughout time.
But such is life. I once did the same with Mrs. Powell many years ago when I was just a boy after she left to England when I was 17. And I never saw her again. And still the letters I wrote to her over all those years into my twenties fill my drafts box and the space between my thoughts like some long forgot ships endlessly trotting through the waves searching for a beach of peaceful tranquility that will never be found. Sometimes I wonder if I just replaced one mother-figure for another. How special I thought I was to her. How important I thought I was to her.
And like her...I fell in love with you.
Something I'd often considered telling you time and time again. Like it would make a difference to anything. Not that I'd want it to. I know you were happy before I ever entered into your life. And I know you're happy with the way things are and were. I know that I was just some random young man who walked into your life. Though, to be fair, you were the one who walked into mine.
A young man, lost and alone in a new city on the edge of the country suddenly accosted by a dashing, charming, beautiful young woman? How could he ever develop any sort of interest in her?
I know I'm just some young man to you. A boy. And I'd never be more than that. I'd never want to ruin what you have with your man. It seems so rare and so beautiful. I'll never understand you, the same way you'll never understand me. I'll never understand how you spend time with young men and enjoy their company while at the same time seeing them as boys. I'll never understand what you wanted with me. I hope it really was just for friends. Or was it for something more, a fun partner perhaps? Or perhaps even more than that?
I'll never understand how older women look at boys like me and desire the fun out of them instead of actually wanting to know them and care about them. And I'll never be able to stop questioning your true intentions and wonder about whether I can trust you.

But you'll have to forgive me, I've been hurt a lot in my past. Not just by older women I thought were so safe and nurturing like you. But by everyone. I'm scared to let anyone in again.
You have no idea what it was like only hearing from your peers how ugly you are. Girls calling you grease for your acne. Other boys telling you if you haven't killed yourself before 40 you'd end up a virgin in your 40s. Getting beat up.
That's another reason I'd never be able to be with you: You were having sex with boyfriends at that point and a part of me would always be jealous and envious even though I have no right to be. Knowing that I waited because when I was a boy so alone and needed someone the most I thought it would be so romantic to wait for the woman who loves me and actually wants me and would love that I waited for her.
Maybe I'm permanently broken because of it all. I don't know. I just know I felt a shared past with you. A darker past that broke me and forced me back into the light.
I know I want to know more about you.
I want to ask you about all of your photos from when you were my age and talk about how incredible it would've been to have known you back then but how lucky I am to even know you at all now.
How lucky I'd be if you ever did reveal to me that the reason you walked into my life like you did is because...you did get a crush on me. The way I have a massive one on you.

Life has changed so much here recently and now after turning my life around thanks to the things you taught me, I've gotten back to my roots. Back to the things that made me so happy as a boy. My music, my singing.
My EP is taking me a long time but I've played a couple venues and I got approached by a talent agent who wants me for my vocal skills but also for modelling.
I'm not sure how I feel about that. I know you once called me attractive but I don't really feel it and I'm far from beautiful. I was always told how ugly I was. It's hard for me to believe anything else and now I'm SO scared. I don't even know what I'm scared about. Maybe that I fail at this too the way I have everything else in my life. Or maybe I'm scared that I actually succeed and everyone sees me. And then who do I trust? Who could ever really see the real ME? That sweet, innocent, naive boy who just wanted to be some girl's amazing boyfriend and husband and make her breakfast in bed in the morning? Who could I trust to actually see me after that? Instead of just "ooo a hot guy"?

I don't know what I was to you. A pity case. Just a friend from an unusual site. A potential play partner. A hot guy. A cute young guy. A boy that you could nurture and be maternal to.
I'm not even sure if I know what one I want from you. I just always wanted to be some lovely lady's special boy. I wanted to important to someone. I thought I was important to Powell. I thought I was special to her. And I wasn't. And she left and just forgot me.
I'm scared you'll do the same. I guess I'm scared that I'm nothing to you and I never will be. Even though there's no reason or any indication that I could ever even be special or important to you. How could I? I'm just me. And I'm not a boy anymore. But you call me a boy, even though I'm a man. And it just feels like lightning. I know I can never have what I really want with you. It's been tainted and tied to sexual and romantic feelings in me. But my intentions are pure, believe me of that. And I could see so much more than just that. I could see someone I share a similar past and feelings with and someone who was once a lost little girl and become a stern young woman who guides young men along.
I'll never understand you. But I wish I could.
I never wanted sex. I never wanted anything from you. When we first met I can admit that I creeped your profile and had my hopes...but then you looked at me. And your eyes are nothing but bright and every word that came from you is nothing short of soft and sweet. Sometimes you say the harshest things but they need to be said. And you looked at me like you really saw ME. I don't know if you really did.
I don't know what you wanted from me.
Sometimes you scare me because you're so confident just sexually and in everything and I'm just not.
I wish I had the courage to send this letter and the other.
Maybe one day.
I can just tell you everything in person.
Maybe one day I can tell you.

I miss you.

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MoonlightLullaby · 41-45, F

This hurts my own heart; such vulnerability you shared here. I hope you can eventually send it and find some closure.💔🥺

zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

@MoonlightLullaby You have no idea how bad I want to send this to her. Doing so would be extremely unwise and likely end one of the best friendships in my life.

MoonlightLullaby · 41-45, F

@zeframcochrane That's not a friendship worth keeping, dear one. You need to escape these chains holding you down; emotionally and mentally.🥀

zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

@MoonlightLullaby It's definitely a friendship worth keeping. I'm the moron who fell for a friend who's taken. To reveal how I feel would just be incredibly stupid and sacrifice something I enjoy for something that could never happen. This woman has been nothing but kind to me.
Seems to like me for some reason beyond my ability to fathom and set me down this path to self-actualization and self-recovery. And because of the past and things out of my control I can't even find it in myself to trust that she just genuinely actually likes me and wants to help me.
I spent my boyhood looking for the older woman that I could be some special boy to. And I found her and I thought I was so special to her and important in her eyes and then she left. And then I grew and became a 22-year-old man and I found someone else again and now it's hard to imagine I could ever be that for someone again. Unless just for her to toss aside and show me how truly worthless I really am. I'll never be that important boy to anyone. Especially not considering how tied to sexual and romantic feelings it is.
Best I can do is hide it all and try and find a proper outlet for it.
Besides, even if I did tell her, best to do it in person. Which I can't right now.

MoonlightLullaby · 41-45, F

@zeframcochrane [quote]I'll never be that important boy to anyone.[/center]
[/quote]
True happiness is self generated. Just a tip from someone twice your age and [i]finally[/i] finding herself.😉

zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

@MoonlightLullaby I know that.
And I'm finally at the point where I like myself.
And you know what I realize?
I liked myself when I was a little boy. I was the same as I am now i just wasn't gorgeous or ripped. And overcoming my addiction and getting shredded as a result shouldn't suddenly cause people to want me. It shouldn't suddenly cause women to want me.
Even now when I've finally found myself and like who I am after I already did when I was a boy...I still just want to be someone's boy.
I just want some woman to see me for that kid I was and recognize that boy. I loved him, its just that no one else did back then. And they shouldn't suddenly decide they do now because I'm a man and I've, what, changed?
I dont want to have to change for people to like me. I like me. The greatest thing about me is my sense of integrity and romanticism.
That idea as a boy that the ultimate romantic gesture to some lucky girl would be holding onto my sense of innocence so she could know that she's my first and only and I'm devoted to her and loyal to her even when she's not there the way other men in my family never could be.
I'll always wonder why she couldn't be there for me when I needed her most and ill always think that she never would've liked me if she'd met me as a boy and ill probably be a bit jealous and envious of her past with other men. But all that could fade away if she calls me her boy and I look at her and feel that level of importance to her.
I did with the lady I describe in this prose.
And I'm letting that feeling go. And I'm not letting her go. Even if it is a friendship I should discard like you say. I'm the idiot who caught feelings.

Maybe I am nothing to her. Maybe she'll forget me soon.
But when she looked at me I felt like I mattered. When she called me a boy I felt like she saw me.

I'm happy with me.
I'm just scared.
But I will always want to be that boy to that woman and maybe that's wrong but, is it really so bad?

MoonlightLullaby · 41-45, F

@zeframcochrane [quote]I dont want to have to change for people to like me. I like me. The greatest thing about me is my sense of integrity and romanticism.[/quote]

By no means should you change if you're happy. Those qualities actually make you astute for your age, tbh, and I'm quite sure you will find someone very special one day as wisdom makes them flourish! Hopefully in the sense you wish for, but if not, by someone who understands you and the little boy within.

[quote]And I'm not letting her go. Even if it is a friendship I should discard like you say. I'm the idiot who caught feelings.[/quote]

I only suggested it because of your insecurities regarding the depth of her intentions with you. I was merely saying a true friend would be accepting of your feelings. I never meant anything more than what you're comfortable with, and it seemed as if the scenario was causing more damage than good. If she brings you joy, in any form, then hold onto her!😉

[quote]I'm just scared.
But I will always want to be that boy to that woman and maybe that's wrong but, is it really so bad?
[/quote]

I'm 41 and still scared, tbh. I still have childhood scars and completely get where you're coming from. I think we all have repressed feelings and desires that forever linger, nor will we ever really make sense of them. So no, there's [b]nothing[/b] wrong with you at all.

Peace be with you 🙏

zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

@MoonlightLullaby [quote] By no means should you change if you're happy. Those qualities actually make you astute for your age, tbh, and I'm quite sure you will find someone very special one day as wisdom makes them flourish! Hopefully in the sense you wish for, but if not, by someone who understands you and the little boy within. [/quote]

I was happy with who I was as a boy when no one else was because I was ugly and a loser. And I let everyone get to me and I let my fears and insecurities bring me into the dark and pull me down into drugs and and I didn't like that. And now I've changed and I shed that man and who I was for all those years to become that boy again. And I don't know if she saw it in me that I could still be that boy. She calls me a boy and that should frustrate me because I'm a man but tbh I just want to hold onto that boy because he deserved better. He deserved someone to hold onto him and be there for him when he needed it most. Now trusting someone will forever be impossible. Even her. I don't trust what her intentions were. But at the same time I trust that she saw me. And I just want to see her again to know. To know I matter to someone. The level of progress I've made in the past year is nothing short of spectacular and it's continuing I've been offered opportunities in the recent weeks that I wouldn't have dreamed of a few months ago let alone as a boy and I just want to matter to someone. To her.
I don't know if I'll find someone special. In a way I already have. But someone who recognizes my sense of integrity and the romanticism in the fact that I wanted to wait as a boy for someone because I thought it was the romantic thing for her to know that she could share something with me so special? I don't know if that girl exists out there.
But I think someone who understands the boy inside...I think she might exist already. I'm just scared. I thought that before and that woman just left and hurt me. But I'm ready to love again.

[quote] I only suggested it because of your insecurities regarding the depth of her intentions with you. I was merely saying a true friend would be accepting of your feelings. I never meant anything more than what you're comfortable with, and it seemed as if the scenario was causing more damage than good. If she brings you joy, in any form, then hold onto her!😉 [/quote]

I question her intentions because the past has hurt. And I'm working on trying not to let it win anymore. She's told me things that have been harsh to hear and things that have hurt. At the end of the day I want to believe in the good in people and that they have only the good intentions at heart. I want to believe I matter to her and she'd care.
Maybe if I ever see her again.

[quote] I'm 41 and still scared, tbh. I still have childhood scars and completely get where you're coming from. I think we all have repressed feelings and desires that forever linger, nor will we ever really make sense of them. So no, there's nothing wrong with you at all. [/quote]

I think I needed to hear this. I'm trying to make sense of it. Maybe I have a Peter Pan syndrome like Michael Jackson. But holding onto the boy I want to be to some lovely older lady is what's made me the man I am. And I'd like to think I grew into a decent man. If a little lost and sometimes insecure and overly terrified of the past and the future. Untrusting emotionally. There's a future where I get to be some woman's boy and she sees all of the things I wanted to be. All of the romantic notions and sweet ideals I had way back then when it was something special. Maybe it's nothing special now but I can still matter to her. I have to.

MoonlightLullaby · 41-45, F

@zeframcochrane [quote]I'm trying to make sense of it.[/quote]

Perhaps you can, as I've found some answers through tough introspection, but they only came later in life. Sometimes it takes different experiences throughout the course of your entire existence, which is my case. I've accepted that others will never make sense and try best to move forward. Just don't spend your life wasting away precious time, trying to discover all the why's & how's, is my biggest piece of advice. Trust me big time on that alone. 🌟🤗

zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

@MoonlightLullaby The level of introspection I've done in the past year alone is fucking unreal. I've overcome a lot of shit. I mean, I overcame my drug addiction. I can't understate that enough. One of the hardest things I've done in my life. And I'm scared I'll never be seen for that boy I used to be because I know I'm a man now but I will always want to be some woman's boy and in all honesty I've regained all of those same idealistic and wide-eyed notions I tried so hard to let go of in my addiction. I don't think I ever really let go of them.
Even at my darkest I was still a romantic idealist at heart who still held onto his sense of innocence and the idea of being that awesome guy to some lucky girl who could know that she's the only one who gets him and he waits for her forever and have him make her breakfast in bed and stuff. That's all I've ever wanted. No women seem to appreciate the sense of romanticism and ideals like I do. But I've fallen in love with me over it.
If I can...someone has to.
I'm scared I'll never get to have that woman who calls me her boy while I can be her man and make her stuff all the time and do stuff for her. Or who sees the value in my sense of integrity waiting for her.
She'll likely not have waited for me the same way. And I'll likely have to deal with knowing that.
At the same time it isn't like women were lining up to be with me. I was an ugly loser as a boy.
She'll likely have been with guys while I was busy dealing with being all alone.
And this idea in my head that I can go back to that city and see this lovely lady again and make some grand romantic gesture sweeping her off her feet with how I've changed and become a better man and the kind of guy I want to be, the kind of man that she seemed to have seen in me, it's absurd. Especially because at best what comes out of it is she tells me she's proud of me, calls me a sweet boy again and tells me she sees me and we go for that gelato. Instead of this elaborate fantasy in my head where she declares her own crush for me after she's so impressed by how far I've come and decides she wants me.
At worst I find out I was just an afterthought that was forgotten about so quick. Or I'm some whiney, annoying loser.
But I like that realistic outcome with the gelato still. I want it. I want to be able to have it.

The future is so uncertain and I'm not even sure I can ever get it. I'm afraid I never see her again.
But I feel something changing. I feel it. I can feel myself getting closer to something.
Everything keeps changing. That contract I signed. The work I've done on me emotionally and the work I've done musically. It all keeps changing. And maybe I can have what I want.
I can feel again.
The drugs are gone and I can fucking feel and breathe again.
I can hope again.

MoonlightLullaby · 41-45, F

@zeframcochrane [quote]No women seem to appreciate the sense of romanticism and ideals like I do. But I've fallen in love with me over it.
If I can...someone has to.[/quote]

You haven't met the right women.😳 Trust me on that too, they exist. I'm one of them, so keep hope alive, Mr!😏

[quote]And maybe I can have what I want.
I can feel again.
The drugs are gone and I can fucking feel and breathe again.
I can hope again.
[/quote]
Atta boy! As someone close to my heart always says, hope is eternal & he actually reinstilled hope in my soul. Keep that spirit alive. You got this!👊🙏

zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

@MoonlightLullaby [quote] You haven't met the right women.😳 Trust me on that too, they exist. I'm one of them, so keep hope alive, Mr!😏 [/quote]

It's hard. I'm 24 now. So much of my life has gone by without her. She missed everything and wasn't there when I needed her the most. I always dreamt of my prom as a boy and when it came I knew no one would ever go with me because I was that ugly, skinny loser and I just spent the night at home playing Minecraft alone. How do I ever get that back? How do I ever get any of it back? When my first love died I used to spend nights at her memorial rock until 3 in the morning because my parents and step-parents were fighting and didn't notice me gone and I didn't have anyone. I just wanted to feel close to her again like she was still around for me. I never had anyone. How do I trust anyone?
As you can read, even my crush, who had to have seen something in me to propel me on this path, I don't fully trust. I wonder what I was to her, what I am. I wonder if I'm some pity case or some boytoy she was preparing to take on or if I was just legitimately a friend, some boy she wanted to help and actually likes. What does she like?
I've had girls leave me as soon as I told them I'm a virgin and that's one of the best things I love about me. The girl I end up with will be the ONLY girl ever for me. I know I will likely never be the only guy for her and that will be something I'll have to deal with but I have a purity/promise ring to give her (nothing to do with marriage or religion). I'm just that guy. I love romance. I always have. Since I was 9 I wanted to be a husband and dreamt about spending all night laying awake looking at each other telling each other everything. Brining her breakfast in bed after a fun night. Taking her dancing and to all the landmarks I wish I could've gone to with someone instead of going alone. Like the Lover's Bench in my hometown.
Having a lovely night where I finally trust someone enough to open up to her and let her touch me.

The idea of a girl touching me at this point is fucking terrifying to me. And women want a guy who can fuck them. A guy who's scared of being touched by her is off-putting.
Probably even to the women like my crush described in my post who are so kind and sweet and warm and nurturing in every other way. She's an incredibly confident woman, sexually and in every other way.

Mrs. Right might not exist. She's impossible. I just know that my hero is Tom Cruise as Ethan Hunt. And Tommy never gives up when shit is impossible. That's why he's on the fucking IMF it stands for Impossible Missions Force. Dude, he fucking does impossible for a job.
I fuckkin' love Tommy.

MoonlightLullaby · 41-45, F

@zeframcochrane I just opened up the eyes of a man 10 years older than I, to see himself in a different light he'd been cocooned in his entire life! I stripped the little boy facade, so I know better. We're never too old to be awakened!

[quote]And women want a guy who can fuck them. A guy who's scared of being touched by her is off-putting.[/quote]

Don't assume we're all so shallow. I admire pure vulnerability vs ego any day!Plus, some of us are naturally nurturing....

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zeframcochrane · 26-30, M

I wish every woman admired vulnerability. Every time I showed it I just got hurt again.
One would think I'd learn my lesson but something in me is just hardwired to open myself up to the women I find beautiful and constantly show them affection and my inner parts.
Katherine is nurturing. She scares the fuck out of me but she's warm. I feel comfortable with her. But at the same time sometimes I wonder about things.

When I was a boy and I mean like 6-10 years old I used to go picking flowers for my teachers and my mother before she left for a while. I used to give my teachers gifts too and if I really found them beautiful like Mrs. Zoldy I'd write them poems or songs. I remember I got Mrs. Dixon a Justin Timberlake CD once too. She got me a Beatles trivia set when I was 9 because she knew I liked The Beatles. Never occurred to me at the time that I was the only kid she got a gift for, she kept that a secret. I was her teacher's pet.