My vents & thoughts... Nov. 17 '19 01:55 and later

1) I feel terrible when I think of how I have the power of changing people's smiles into angry/sad/disgusted faces. Sometimes, I feel like a monster. This is the main reason why I don't get out very often. It's been 1 month or so since I've last gotten out. And I don't like this fact. I feel like I'm wasting my youth, I don't breathe fresh air or see green grass... how coud it be different? At the moment.

2) Nostalgia from when I went to shopping malls in my city, or when I went to these places in my uncle's city. I always drank a good milkshake. I feel bad because I'm important for him, but I'm not getting there these days. Again, how could it be different?

4) What was this feeling that I've had now? I don't know, I've forgot it. My memory is shit and I don't feel connected w/ my emotions anyway. But I think it was related to me being indoors all the time. Well, anyway, I've just remembered how cool it was to be at my deceased grandma's house. Eating snacks. How I could be enjoying, feel connected to society, w/ goals which make my life make more sense. Like getting good grades. But now all these feelings are missing. I don't worry about jobs too, and I don't see a reason to worry about them now... I'd like to feel like time was flowing to me. I also don't feel like anything new or important is going on, I don't feel challenged by anything.

3) French fries are tasty too, I like to go to fast food restaurants and eat them. I've been eating them anyway, and more than I eat burgers/pizza/other fast food.

7) Remembering the people from a Discord server who always put me down, I had no other option, I had to participate there even if it was negatively, so I could get better. And also, the people from my school, many of them treated me badly in many different occasions. I keep thinking. Their beliefs and attitude towards me are wrong. Even if I was indeed wrong, I dunno why are people so obsessed with errors, that I shouldn't commit them. This is probably how it is supposed to be. I dunno what is better, if we should simulate reality in our brains or something else.

9) I live in a country where there's influence from richer Western countries, but it's not so widespread because people don't know a lot of English. So some political trends in the US are not present here, and most are less widespread. Also due to poverty.

10) There are incels in my country, I think I'm an incel but my situation is temporary because of my mental health & places I frequent. But I'm beautiful and have other qualities. Now I'm intelligent & wise, I analyse and try understanding my situation, and always eager to learn and with an open mind.

11) A song which makes me feel nostalgia of something I never lived. Its melody brings an idea to me that life is short & makes me feel like I shouldn't lose my time. And its circumstances make me think, how good would be to enjoy this song in the late 2000's. Time flies, now it's almost 2020. Happiest times of my life were then. Now I'm wasting everything and I'm uninformed of the current trends, the world continues to rotate and I don't know what's happening. Sadness & melancholy. Really.

5) Many memories of food and of my younger life, a happier time. I already had problems, but my current problems are worse. I also dunno what I should do. I want to eat something salty or fresh. Something which isn't too intense but is also good. I don't want to feel a sweet taste though.

16) What ways do I have to get better from my current problems? Emotional detachment & inattentiveness, demotivation and lack of interest towards everything. I need to do something which will allow me to feel better the soonest possible... I guess. Nov. 17 2019 Sunday

12) Everybody Hates Chris: cool TV show.

13) I suffered w/ many injustices in the past.

14) This guy treated me so terribly... I was an idiot then.

15) Dunno what to do.

6) 02:16 A.M., what can I do now? Let's see the kitchen.

8. No opportunity. Also, I am eating cheese and I want to eat chocolate.