I'm sure there are lots of books on the subject of helping you deal with your emotions. My experience of those is, they all suggest the same basic thread; first and foremost, be true to yourself. Don't stop saying yes when you mean yes, and no when you mean no. Expecting the same level of commitment from others, will
always be disappointing. Some people may learn that kind of commitment to themselves by way of seeing your commitment to YOU, but there's nothing you can do about the ones who don't, and may
never be willing to be being authentic, with themselves or anyone else.
The only relationship you have, is the one you have with YOU, and then, share with other people. Just work on that one, and don't expect the fairness of your authenticity to be reciprocated. It's just unrealistic.
"Expecting the world to be fair with you because you were fair with it, is like expecting the lion to not eat you because you didn't eat him."
On the topic of having your emotions rather than your emotions having YOU, it sounds as though there were some survival strategies built somewhere along the line, to protect you from perceived threats. Being consumed by your emotions may be an indicator those strategies are still active and just don't want to go offline. Much of it is just habit.
There are plenty of exercises to help you see what your triggers are about and where they're coming from, and the underlying causes of those patterns recurring. Rather than perusing the bookshelves for answers, you may want to try a counseling session or two. Somehow, I don't think it would take too many to get you on a customized program of processes and exercises leading you out of your past and into your present. You seem very capable.
Whatever path you choose in resolving these issues, good luck.
