My issues kinda set the tone for my entire mood every day and it sucks, but at the same time I feel they're kinda trivial?
Ok this gon be long so...
Issue 1: I'm gay and only a handful of my friends know even though I have many major groups of close friends. I haven't come out to some of my other gay friends in some friend groups because I'd feel bad telling just them and not everyone else. But at the same time I'm kinda sick of pretending I don't like anyone when my friends talk about boys. But once I'm out I can't go back? And I've seen them react to other gay kids and I don't really want to go through that "omg have you ever had a crush on me?" phase cuz my other gay friends all dated someone before they came out so I feel it was easier for them at least. I'm not gonna budge on this criteria to come out cuz I know my friends and it's really valid, but at the same time I'm just kinda sick of secretly crushing on people and having them give me suspicious glances every time I get obsessed over a new 'friend' I make.
Issue 2: I always have crushes nowadays and its exciting but also kinda sucks. I feel like this defines my daily mood the most, cuz every time my crush takes too long to reply I get mopey. ALL my crushes are on goddamn straight girls. I kinda have this mentality that everyone might be a least a little bi-curious (let me live my fantasy I'm not gna drop this I flirt with everyone tqvm) but yeah that's not really working out. I end up becoming super close to all my crushes, and now I have this whole long list of ex-crushes who are all individual close friends of mine and it's quite weird. My current crush is super confusing, and I'm kinda done with her, but she's really similar to me and we click quite easily, which is pretty new territory and its really hard for me to get over her right now. She's not even that good looking, not to be arrogant but I'm definitely leagues above her, but at the same time she's just such a fascinating person and I'm falling deeper and deeper into this hole. Also she's the first person who has ever blue-ticked me lol - like she does that but she still initiates convos with different topics like a day later and it's all rather confusing, but it hurts my heart ok, it's such an odd thing to do. My brain literally goes "omg does she hate me now?", "oh wait but today she replied me in person in school even though she read the text like the day before", "omg she texted, I guess we're talking about something different today" (its a painful rollercoaster of emotions and I can't really take it)
Issue 3: Getting off my non-existent love-life, I have this weird conflicting situation where I'm super arrogant sometimes (with myself, I don't act arrogant, or at least I don't think I do ahaa that's obnoxious), but at the same time I also hate myself for being so self absorbed. I used to be a really good listener, but this was during a time when I had only a handful of friends. But then I made myself extroverted, and started making friends left and right, and now I feel kinda different and I kinda hate some parts of the new me. I still have that ability to connect with people deeply, pretty easily, but I'm scared of losing it. I feel more self absorbed and I kinda hate it. Like I really love my friends a lot, but my constant flirting with clueless straight girls only makes me a ton of new friends super fast, and I'm kinda spreading myself really thin. I'm fundamentally an introvert so I don't really know how to handle it all. I feel it makes me more absent, and I have less time with each of them and I don't really know how to make the situation stop. I guess maybe... how do I flirt to and connect with my crushes and not become friends with them? Idk its pretty hard right, once you get to know someone even after getting over them they're still beautiful people.
Ok I don't really know where I was going with this but it feels good to get it off so yeah. I know its trivial but these things make my head spin and I kinda just want it to stop.
My current crush won't get out of my head just end me. Honestly my crushes on people actually affect a lot of things in my life which is why I want to get over this particular one, but at the same time she's just so.... omg I wish I could lock my heart up :-)
Issue 1: I'm gay and only a handful of my friends know even though I have many major groups of close friends. I haven't come out to some of my other gay friends in some friend groups because I'd feel bad telling just them and not everyone else. But at the same time I'm kinda sick of pretending I don't like anyone when my friends talk about boys. But once I'm out I can't go back? And I've seen them react to other gay kids and I don't really want to go through that "omg have you ever had a crush on me?" phase cuz my other gay friends all dated someone before they came out so I feel it was easier for them at least. I'm not gonna budge on this criteria to come out cuz I know my friends and it's really valid, but at the same time I'm just kinda sick of secretly crushing on people and having them give me suspicious glances every time I get obsessed over a new 'friend' I make.
Issue 2: I always have crushes nowadays and its exciting but also kinda sucks. I feel like this defines my daily mood the most, cuz every time my crush takes too long to reply I get mopey. ALL my crushes are on goddamn straight girls. I kinda have this mentality that everyone might be a least a little bi-curious (let me live my fantasy I'm not gna drop this I flirt with everyone tqvm) but yeah that's not really working out. I end up becoming super close to all my crushes, and now I have this whole long list of ex-crushes who are all individual close friends of mine and it's quite weird. My current crush is super confusing, and I'm kinda done with her, but she's really similar to me and we click quite easily, which is pretty new territory and its really hard for me to get over her right now. She's not even that good looking, not to be arrogant but I'm definitely leagues above her, but at the same time she's just such a fascinating person and I'm falling deeper and deeper into this hole. Also she's the first person who has ever blue-ticked me lol - like she does that but she still initiates convos with different topics like a day later and it's all rather confusing, but it hurts my heart ok, it's such an odd thing to do. My brain literally goes "omg does she hate me now?", "oh wait but today she replied me in person in school even though she read the text like the day before", "omg she texted, I guess we're talking about something different today" (its a painful rollercoaster of emotions and I can't really take it)
Issue 3: Getting off my non-existent love-life, I have this weird conflicting situation where I'm super arrogant sometimes (with myself, I don't act arrogant, or at least I don't think I do ahaa that's obnoxious), but at the same time I also hate myself for being so self absorbed. I used to be a really good listener, but this was during a time when I had only a handful of friends. But then I made myself extroverted, and started making friends left and right, and now I feel kinda different and I kinda hate some parts of the new me. I still have that ability to connect with people deeply, pretty easily, but I'm scared of losing it. I feel more self absorbed and I kinda hate it. Like I really love my friends a lot, but my constant flirting with clueless straight girls only makes me a ton of new friends super fast, and I'm kinda spreading myself really thin. I'm fundamentally an introvert so I don't really know how to handle it all. I feel it makes me more absent, and I have less time with each of them and I don't really know how to make the situation stop. I guess maybe... how do I flirt to and connect with my crushes and not become friends with them? Idk its pretty hard right, once you get to know someone even after getting over them they're still beautiful people.
Ok I don't really know where I was going with this but it feels good to get it off so yeah. I know its trivial but these things make my head spin and I kinda just want it to stop.
My current crush won't get out of my head just end me. Honestly my crushes on people actually affect a lot of things in my life which is why I want to get over this particular one, but at the same time she's just so.... omg I wish I could lock my heart up :-)
