What was your worst day?

Why was it your worst day? Did you learn anything from it?

My worst day (so far?) was April 16th, 2015. I was at Target with my husband and very pregnant. My little brother had been missing for a few weeks but he did that kind of thing sometimes (he was 22). My mom called and she could barely speak but managed to shout at me through the phone, "he's dead, he's dead, Brendon's dead!"

I didn't faint, but I got very dizzy and my husband pulled a chair off a display for me. My blood pressure sky-rocketed, by midnight that night I was in the ER. My daughter was born the next day in an emergency c-section and she is the light of my life.

My worst day right before my best day.

Brendon shot himself in the chest with a hand-gun in the woods behind his dad's Oregon property. He had been laying there for weeks when his dad found him. This suicide shattered my family.

What I learned? That nothing, no matter how terrible it seems is bad enough to take your own life. I have spent a lot of time wondering if he was cold before he died; I wonder if he cried before or after he did it; I wonder how long it took him to die and why he didn't just shoot himself in the head.

This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »

Chickie · F

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear that. I did have moments with conflict with my family but other than that the worst days I ever had were from my dumb job besides the abuse I suffered with my mother.

I want to ask some questions but it's probably insensitive. I wish you and your family in the best health. ❤❤❤

Angelfire21 · 36-40, F

@Chickie Ask away. It seems crazy, but it helps to talk about it. When it happened, I wanted to know things that my mom couldn't even consider knowing. I wanted to know how he was sitting, what he was wearing. I wanted to know if he was recognizable and where exactly he shot himself. I had to know everything because I could not understand WHY. Nothing you ask will offend me.

And I'm sorry for what you have been through, especially with your mother. Mother's are supposed to be the final line of defense, the great protector and I can't imagine being a child or adult who didn't have that sense of security.

Chickie · F

@Angelfire21 Okay, thanks for giving me the okay and of people tend to overreact over sensitive subjects.

Was he depressed? I known I read guys committee suicide more than girls because they bottle up their feelings.

Was he mentally ill? Or was he abused/sexually abused...

Angelfire21 · 36-40, F

@Chickie He was probably depressed. A little background: I live in California, very near LA and he had moved to Oregon to live with his dad. He got into trouble up there with some girl and got very sick; he had swollen lymph nodes in his underarms and things of that nature and refused to see a doctor. We still don't know what he was sick with but I've thought anything from a simple STD to HIV; I wont ever get that answer but I do know there was something wrong.

He had burned bridges with his family in Oregon and my mom told him he couldn't come back until he found a job, a conversation that still gives her a lot of guilt to this day. He was living with his dad again when he did it, it was his dad's gun he stole to do so and all of this was because he had really damaged his relationships by being irresponsible and untrustworthy.

He was never those things to me, but I didn't have to live with him and I don't judge his Aunt and cousins for feeling this way; I knew what a trial he could be sometimes.

As far as abuse, he was not sexually or physically abused that I know of. Not while in my mother's house, anyway. My mom was poor, white trash and a single mother of three kids with two different fathers but she was not a terrible person and worked hard to provide for us. We were poor, but we were SAFE.

He did have severe dyslexia, something he seemed to have gotten from his dad, and it had a profound effect on his self-esteem. He used to talk about how he was stupid and we would all argue wit him, but you could tell. He would say, "I'm too stupid to even read, how am I going to get a job?"

He wasn't stupid, but he was definitely a sensitive kid and my mom was strong and protective but not very affectionate. I think this sensitivity and lack of affection was part of the reason he grew to be such a difficult adult and never had good relationships with women. Also, he was an attractive guy and that really didn't help because while he was not mature enough to have a relationship, he always seemed to be in one.

Chickie · F

@Angelfire21 I think that was the cause of his suicide and depression maybe.

Angelfire21 · 36-40, F

@Chickie I think so also. I mean the reasons stack up when you look at them in a list but he was really young. I think things can feel so big sometimes that they take over your whole life, but I wish he'd have realized that your "whole life" is a lot longer than 22 years. I have said that to my mom before and she said that maybe that's the reason he did it; he didn't want another 60 years of the same kind of pain. Maybe she's right.