I just realized that I'm actually very cruel deep down.

The reason I say that is because in relationships when I'm no longer happy or if I'm cheated on or slighted in any way I am fast to ghost or abandon/cut off without a word. You may as well call me danny phantom from that old cartoon show because I tend to "go ghost". Over the summer I was with a man who seemed great on paper but we never went anywhere or did anything we just sat at his apartment and watched movies. Maybe I was paranoid or was hurting from past experience with being a secret but I felt like he was ashamed of me or perhaps he was closeted and didn't want to take me anywhere. I got mad and refused to respond to his texts after awhile whenever he would ask when we could meet next. I am so quick to do that to people and I feel bad down the road because I lack the courage to share my feelings out loud. I have had so many bad experiences in love, in life and in general that I look for any flaw or any reason to blow the relationship up or seek validation. Do you actually like me? Are you attracted to me? Am I enough for you? If I see or hear anything that makes me question you best believe I'm going to test you because I need to know.

Sometimes I feel like I don't even know if I am able to love fully because I am so quick to do what I do. It's always been tough for me to fully express myself in words anyway. I'm very guarded and defensive and I just feel nothing when I'm with these people. I don't know if it's a mental health thing or if my brain is wired differently but it's hard for me to be affectionate I have to force it. It's hard for me to tell someone I love them I force it for the other persons sake. There's probably something wrong with me. I want companionship and love like true love but I just can't find it or hold onto it.

Maybe it's my mindset? Maybe there's something wrong with my brain? I don't know but I'm just never satisfied and highly self destructive.