"We need brotherhoods and sisterhoods in our community. We need to care for each other more"

I think it is interesting how my first reaction towards those sentences was fear.

I immediately backed away and thought of protecting myself ..sisterhoods, brotherhoods? Even your own blood can poison you here.

There are things that will likely be buried with me if I were to die among you. Things I dreamed about and longed for. And things that broke my heart to a dozen pieces.

Sometimes, I come close to saying the words out loud, thinking someone else should hear them, hoping they might hold more than just the echo of my own mind.

But who knows?

Maybe those echoes are the best-case scenario.
As isolating as they sound, they might be the gentlest outcome I can hope for. A soft and willingful abandonment as opposed to a betrayal I already survived more than a decade ago and must experience again.

Society is not for me.

It hurts less to be needed by the selfish; those who only know how to take, than to be the one who needs, the one who wants.. and it hurts even more to harm yourself and others with your selfishness.

And there is selfishness in everything. Even in only relying on being needed and never reaching out to be loved or saved.

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TinyViolins · 31-35, M

The odd thing about a traumatic past is that it instills within us this fundamental notion that we must never feel weak again.

We learn to never need or depend on someone else, to isolate our innermost thoughts and feelings from judgement, to shield ourselves from rejection. It warps our boundaries into security systems that prevent anyone from accessing the most authentic version of ourselves.

When you wear this armor long enough, you eventually stop noticing the weight. It can then be difficult to truly empathize with others struggling with their own burdens when you're accustomed to carrying so much more.

Idk how much of that relates to your own experiences, but it's one of my existential predicaments at the moment. Like am I just going to go the rest of my life without any close connections because I genuinely don't want or need them, or is it because I'm too jaded by my past to let myself be truly unafraid?

Miram · 31-35, F

@TinyViolins

It can then be difficult to truly empathize with others struggling with their own burdens when you're accustomed to carrying so much more.

It is.

And a lot would assume you carry less than they do.

Especially when their thoughts are nothing but black and white switches and fixed roles...or when suffering is a whole identity. And they think you aren't suffering enough. If you show your contentment, you are targeted.

I will be direct enough to say I have had to deal from Western women more than anyone else.

I do fail to empathize. I will probably always fail to empathize.

When you see so much shit, not necessarily the shit you went through yourself, elsewhere in the world, some people start sounding like fuktards who get themselves fuked over to then have something to blame for their unhappiness.

Particularly those who think that romance is the ultimate life purpose and they should be loved.

And yes, that is pretty toxic stance of mine. I try to be understanding and work around that bias because ultimately I am only seeing a tiny part of their reality and I do the exact same thing they do towards me.

As to most women of my own ethnicity, I don't even want to bother. Maybe one day things will be different.

Your interpretation of what I said is on point. You're not far away from what I meant while writing the original thread. I wish I had the answers people needed.

TinyViolins · 31-35, M

@Miram Agreed. If there's one thing that is sorely lacking in this world, it's perspective. I understand that complaining can be a social bonding exercise for certain people, but when taking their words into context, it's impossible to take seriously.

These days I just hold my tongue like I would never get it back if I were to let go. Perhaps it's for the best. Like you, I also don't have much patience for bruised egos. It's just a shame because it's difficult to be honest when people are so desperate for validation.

The romance thing is tricky for me because I'm in a relationship with someone who wants it far, far more than I do. I'm learning that it's better to compromise for the kinds of people who add value to your life, even if I don't really empathize with them.

I'd rather make an effort for the right person than to willfully disappoint them for the sake of my cynicism. I suppose the ultimate lesson here is that people will be in each other's lives if they both genuinely want to be. Forcing connections to exist will just suck for everyone in the long run.