Im going to regurgitate something I told my ex, (not exactly verbatim but as close to that as I can manage) and I'd like to know if I was insensitive.

"I understand that you are the kind of person who needs a lot of attention from your partner, and I know that you know that I do my best to accommodate that, but when I am focusing intently on tasks I need you to just make do with the amount of attention I have to give at that moment. Okay? Even if that amount is zero or close to it.

I know that sounds bad when I say it like that but im not good at mincing words and with you I shouldn't have to...What i am asking you to do, I do for you in return. You just don't notice because I'm not a needy person. When you are focusing on your business or your school work or your job I am fine with you not paying attention to me, and that is all im trying to get from you

I understand that, generally, I am more busy than you are. I apologize for that. But that is just the way my life is at this time and to be fair you seem to enjoy the things that come along with that, right? You like that I am stable and independent don't you? Well, that is what it takes to keep it that way and to secure a future where I remain so and with excess to boot..."

Was I fair or unfair?

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BlueVeins · 22-25

completely fair, but ofc things like amt of attention often just can't be solved through negotiation.

NewBeginnings7790 · 41-45, F

@Eternity What @BlueVeins is saying is true. She needs attention in the same way that you need space, and there needs to be a negotiation/compromise in the amount space and attention are given. Just because you don’t require a lot of attention doesn’t mean she shouldn’t have that need. Everyone has different needs in a relationship but it’s about finding that balance where she feels her needs are met and you still feel like your needs are being met. Just as you should set aside time to give her attention. She should set aside time to also give you the space you need.

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BlueVeins · 22-25

@NewBeginnings7790 Honestly if I were in this situation again, I would just break it off.

Muthafukajones · 46-50, M

It’s a bit analytical and verbose for a woman to take in but I completely understand.

Perhaps summed up:

You understand that she needs attention but you cannot be the sole provider of all the attention she needs.

You must work and at times that has to be your only focus as that is what allows you to build and maintain your life.

You need to set clear boundaries with her and give her your undivided attention at least some of each day. I have dated women like her before. She does have her own issues and the relationship may fail but she will love you so hard back if only you give her your undivided attention for some of the day. Do it genuinely and let her know it’s because she’s worth it not because you’re trying to get her off your back.

Hope you two enjoy more and argue less!

NewBeginnings7790 · 41-45, F

@Muthafukajones This is very well said, @Eternity also during the times when you are unable to give her your attention it might also help by telling a head of time. For instance, “hey, I’m going to work on (xyz) and won’t be able to talk for a while. Maybe Let her know how the approximate amount of time, and tell her you’ll let her know when you’re done. Also make sure you give her plenty of reassurance about how you feel about her and the relationship. Reassurance can go a long way especially if she’s an over thinker when not getting the attention she desires from you.

Eternity · 26-30, M

@NewBeginnings7790 and that is another issue we had.

That is so much work. Yet another load to balance.

Is that what a relationship is supposed to be?