It's a wrong comfort

I was where you are several times.
I also wanted to live, just not the way I was living at that moment. 24 hours a day being miserable, alone and extremely sad.
One day I was so overwrought I decided to seek professional help. Made an appointment with a psychologist, after many, many months, maybe 5 years, I was able to see that I was worthy of living, I was worthy of love, I was worthy of respect, and I began to like myself again.
When I look back on those days, I ask myself, "Am I better off now than I was then"?
The answer is yes. I have a positive self-esteem; I like the person I have grown to be.
If you have received counselling and things did not change, try a different therapist.
Over the 5 years I was in therapy, I changed therapist 4 times until I found one who was right for me.
Persistence worked for me, maybe it will work for you.

I feel you. I am going to feel better when I have a certain cocktail of drugs in a little lockbox that I know will always be there when it's time to fold for the final time and cash my chips for good. Just knowing you have that option is so liberating. I never want to be at the mercy of the "enemy." Better to bite down on the cyanide capsule and go out with some dignity once they have you dead to rights.

It isn't just us isn't it.
You describe yourself as an Introvert Nomad, but this isn't which creates the problem, most probably this is your efforts towards the solution. Most probably you have turned others hatred towards you, before you even realized you have carried a little too much.