Suicide 28/02/2025

In a couple of days from now, it would officially have been a year since I almost end myself. And as I always say, the hardest part was not the feeling of wanting to end my life, but the fact that for the next 2 months, I regretted not doing it... Looking back now, I am happy I didn't. So much has changed for the better in my life, and if I had done it, I wouldn't have experienced any of this, and life is just that, an experience, like going to Disneyland.

Tho I didn't do it, tho I am still alive... I always say "A part of me died that day" and it feels like I have been carrying it's corpse inside me ever since. It's dark, it's pain, it's anger, rage, rage, rage, rage... Just inside of me. And the scary part is it doesn't feel foren, it doesn't feel like "not me" so there is no desire to get ride of it, just really difficult to learn to live with it. If I ever do see a psychiatrist about it, I don't need them to help get rid of that side of me, cause how ever painful, dark and dead that part of me is... It's the purest version of myself, it's all my love, it's all my care, it's my childhood innocence, it's me.

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Rudboy41 · 41-45, M

I've experienced quite alot of suicidal ideation these past few months and it comes from two dark wishes both are a form of craving and attachment,

1, nihilism, a deep wish to press 'exit game' and become nothing, because in turning into nothing feels like real freedom, and thats what this craving for darkness(and its promise of ultimate peace) is really about, the wish to be set free from the overwhelm of my life.

2. Hopelessness, is the attachment to the idea that i cant change my circumstances, my life has a knot in it that i can't seem to untie, i want to continue living, but this knot has become unbearably heavy and the only option i can see to rid of it, is to cut the rope, the atrachment to the idea that life isnt worth living if i cant get something to untie the knot.

'A part of me died that day'

In the series: 9 perfect strangers, the therapist made her patients dig their own grave and give themselves a symbolic death, by lying in their own graves and pretending to die, as a therapy.

Obviously it didnt really work but i like that idea, a way of letting the old part of ourselves die. I wish there was a way to get there without suicide.

jrcervin · 26-30, M

@Rudboy41 Welp, I dont know what the "knot" in your life might be. But it's true what people say about how life can change from one day to another, for better or worse. Even a few months after I almost end myself, I lived life regreating not ending things, cause I thought "If I had done it then, I would not have to face all this now" the "ultimate peace" you talked about. But, there was a part of me that wanted to stick around, and it was a deep deep desire to prove the people who failed me wrong, mixed with a tiny bit of curiosity of getting a know the future me, that versión of myself who won this battle I am now facing, learned from it, and became better, not just better than the current version of myself, but better than those who put me in this situation. Also, I hope this won't give you any ideas, but here in Spain, there was a very famous case recently about a girl called "Noelia Castillo", you can look her up if you want to, a beatiful young girl who asked to legally end her life, and her wish was granted. Apparently, she was sexually abused by a group of boys, and wasn't given the proper care and attention someone in that situation requires, so she tried ending her life by jumping off a building "luckily" she survived, but was paralyzed and couldn't walk. As soon as she woke up, she started a lagal battle againts her parents, cause she wanted the "Eutanasia" injections, which is a deadly cocktail of injections that can be given to someone by doctors if that person ever decide to end their life. Ofc, this is not an easy decision to make, she was evaluated by many psychologists and other mental health profesionals, but she kept asking for the injections. Her parents were againts the idea, and that's where the legal battle started. The case became viral here in Spain as soon as she was finally granted, legally, the right to decide if she wanted the injections or not, despite what her parents wanted. A could of weeks later, the day finally came, she was given the injections and passed. There was a whole national conversation afterwards about how ethical the "eutanasia" injection was.

The reason I am telling you this story, is so you can look at what you want from an outside perspective. The whole country was deeply sadden by her passing, we all felt more could have be done, she was so young and has so much to live for. I think that's the natural response when you here someone took their own life, "They had so much to live".

What I am trying to say is this, I get you can't see a better future right now, I understand that, but, does it sound right to you? someone wanting to end things, becuase they can't imagine a better future, meanwhile they don't know for sure what's gonna happen tomorrow, or the next day, the next week, or the next month, knowing life could change for better or worse in an instant. I get that you can't see it, but there is so much time left for things to get better or worse, aren't you even a bit curious to know...what if it gets better? Would you wanna miss out on that?

Rudboy41 · 41-45, M

@jrcervin thanks for the reply, I agree that Noelia Castillo was a beautiful young lady who didn't deserve what happened to her,

i read the wikipedia article about her and i believe that her drunkard father was to blame for her ultimately getting raped, if she didnt feel compelled to go fetch him from the bars as often as she did she would not been raped, but the article didnt focus on the father or his involvement in her downfall, but i dont think their relationship was healthy.

It reminded me of a 2025 suicide case that made an article in the newspaper of a small town, i read about the same morning i got your reply,

The article is about a 17yr old portguese girl whos single mother (53) doused them both with gasoline and set them both on fire inside her apartment, the fire dept had to come put out the fire, the girl later died in hospital a month later and the local portuguese club and her school put an article out about the girl but said nothing about the mother, who was the obvious cause of her death.

https://www.facebook.com/happeningnewssa/posts/serenas-tragic-loss-of-life-follows-a-horrific-fire-when-her-mother-theresa-mart/1113710603912563/

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PiecingBabyFaceTogether · 31-35, M

Glad you are still with us. I feel that a part of me died too when I almost died from pneumonia in October 2025. Worst sickness in my life.

stayfickle · 26-30, F

You are strong for making that decision even if your mind was filled with suffering and pain. And for choosing to live despite the innocence being lost along the way.
🫂

minxy · 51-55, F

🫂

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