Not in a good place atm
Got schedule a biopsy for suspected prostate cancer in a few weeks. I've been quite healthy my whole life, so this has been a bit of a cold shower and a reminder that, hitting 60yo next year, I am "old" and life (particularly health but also finances) will only get worse from now on.
I've always had this delusional hope that the dull and depressing life I've led for the last 30 years would somehow, eventually, "get better". That's been the only thing that kept me moving: delusional hope. Reality has now been laid bare: it's just going to get worse. I just want to end it all as soon as possible. I want life to stop. I want my brain to stop thinking and feeling. But, Jesus Christ, no. It will just get worse. The anxiety will get worse. The fears will come true.
Funny I'm not afraid of death, never was. If someone told me I'll die in a few days, I'd celebrate. What really frightens me is the long process of dying. The unbearable pain, the indignity of a failing body, unable to care for itself.
Fuck I hate life. It's just one fucking problem after another. No breaks, no joys. When you think it cannot get worse, it fucking gets worse.
I'm so fucking tired of being alive. I've been wanting to die since I was a preteen. But then I've heard so many horror stories about people trying to commit suicide and then being "saved" only to spend a long life a life of disability (blinded, disfigured, paralyzed, etc.) that I figure suicide is not even an option.
Death can't come soon enough. I'm so fucking tired of everything. Life is such a fucking and complete waste of time.
I've always had this delusional hope that the dull and depressing life I've led for the last 30 years would somehow, eventually, "get better". That's been the only thing that kept me moving: delusional hope. Reality has now been laid bare: it's just going to get worse. I just want to end it all as soon as possible. I want life to stop. I want my brain to stop thinking and feeling. But, Jesus Christ, no. It will just get worse. The anxiety will get worse. The fears will come true.
Funny I'm not afraid of death, never was. If someone told me I'll die in a few days, I'd celebrate. What really frightens me is the long process of dying. The unbearable pain, the indignity of a failing body, unable to care for itself.
Fuck I hate life. It's just one fucking problem after another. No breaks, no joys. When you think it cannot get worse, it fucking gets worse.
I'm so fucking tired of being alive. I've been wanting to die since I was a preteen. But then I've heard so many horror stories about people trying to commit suicide and then being "saved" only to spend a long life a life of disability (blinded, disfigured, paralyzed, etc.) that I figure suicide is not even an option.
Death can't come soon enough. I'm so fucking tired of everything. Life is such a fucking and complete waste of time.
