I had a really bad suicidal thought last night

It was around 5:20 am ish, I'm not going to lie, it was after I pleasured myself which I usually do before bed, and suddenly I was hit with this total clarity at how much everything sucks and feels the same. So after brushing my teeth I was going to do my mouthwash and I had this strong urge to down what was left in the bottle. I obviously didn't end up doing it but just realizing I was so close kind of frightened me a lot. I stayed up a little extra after that to watch a YouTube video which helped.

I'm not sure what I want from this post, but I guess I kind of just needed to get it out there.

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Nitedoc · 51-55, M

Don't ever do it! You can change your life for the better starting right now!

HorrorandMusic · 26-30, F

@Nitedoc How?

Nitedoc · 51-55, M

@HorrorandMusic Make a list of what you can change to make your life better then start working on doing it. It take your effort to change things, not anybodys else. Do you need to lose weight? Dress differently? Improve your personality? Become more friendly and sociable? A better job. An education or trade? What do you need to work on honestly? Those are some common examples. It won't happen overnight but you persue your goals and you will notice things do get better!

Nitedoc · 51-55, M

@Nitedoc Seriously, start today!

HorrorandMusic · 26-30, F

@Nitedoc Probably not happening but I appreciate the enthusiasm for me

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Nitedoc · 51-55, M

@HorrorandMusic Yes you can, you make time.

HorrorandMusic · 26-30, F

@Nitedoc Okay, how do I make time?

Nitedoc · 51-55, M

@HorrorandMusic Do you watch TV? Excercise while watching. You can google all these things about changeing your life for the better and making time to do it. YouTube videos are great at teaching you how. You have to take action!

HorrorandMusic · 26-30, F

@Nitedoc I already exercise. I think the problem for me is rooted deeper.

Nitedoc · 51-55, M

@HorrorandMusic Then work on that problem first. Find a counselor who can help you you. Free counceling is available in most places. Some of it online.

HorrorandMusic · 26-30, F

@Nitedoc Have you ever used those services before? I'm interested but I'm scared of how it would be.

Nitedoc · 51-55, M

@HorrorandMusic Yes, they helped me change my life. It took a long time, but I'm happy and content now with my life.

HorrorandMusic · 26-30, F

@Nitedoc Okay! Well maybe I'll look into it sometime. I know it's going to take a long time which my ADHD brain hates but I'm willing to try.

Nitedoc · 51-55, M

@HorrorandMusic All change starts with taking action. The first step is the hardest. You just do it!

HorrorandMusic · 26-30, F

@Nitedoc Like I said, I appreciate the enthusiasm but the "just do it" attitude just doesn't really work for me.

Nitedoc · 51-55, M

@HorrorandMusic You have to change that feeling too!

HorrorandMusic · 26-30, F

@Nitedoc I'll try :) Thanks btw. I can be prickly sometimes but I really know you mean well.

Nitedoc · 51-55, M

@HorrorandMusic Okay, good.