Suicidal hate life

Today at work, one of my older lady coworkers was gloating about hitting three dogs with her car and saying stuff like if I hit a deer, I’m going to take it home and eat it. Had the group laughing trying to relate. And again I felt outcasted like I did in high school. I had a group of friends in a math class and they started talking about purposefully hitting dogs with their car. So I switched out of that class and lost all of them as friends. Do I want them as friends? No. But I guess when I sit and think about it, I feel like an outcast to society. I start thinking how not relating makes me suicidal and really not want to keep going. I was laying in the bath after work today?, staring at the ceiling and I kept thinking how if I died, all this sadness would finally end. I’ve waited so long for my time and I don’t know how to keep waiting.