Starting over isn't easy
I often come here and talk about what bothers me, heavy things that cannot be spoken out loud to anybody. My trauma is something I find hard to talk about, but now there's something new going on that I can't talk to anyone else about so.. I just wanted to tell you a little story.
My friend Molly who also used to be my classmate in primary and middle school became my roommate in college. She went to a different highschool than me, but we reunited in college and our friendship revived beautifully. I was telling her about my wish to get to know new people so she thought it was a good idea to introduce me to a few friends of hers from highschool who were in that area.
I got to meet two of her ex-classmates a few nights ago and they were absolute sweethearts. These two boys were some of the most well-mannered people I've ever met, and they asked me things about myself no one was ever curious about before. I got to tell them about the things I like and found out we have many things in common. They laughed at all my jokes, they were pleasantly surprised by my use of complicated words. These things had my ex-classmates calling me a weird nerd, but these two appreciated my knowledge and my humor. I got to find out new things from them, they shared some of their interests with me. When I had questions they explained nicely without making me feel dumb. They never let me awkwardly walk behind them or sit silently while they talked. They didn't ignore me or make me feel judged at all. I'm not used to this kind of treatment. I couldn't help but arrive at my dorm room and tear up while thinking about all the bullying, sleepless nights, anxiety and fear I had to go through during highschool. I couldn't believe there were nice people on this earth after all.
I am a little paranoid though.. I kept asking myself what if they were just acting nice, what if in reality they couldn't stand me and I was just a fool for falling for their nice act. So I asked my friend Molly what was her opinion on this and she called me crazy. She said it was obvious that they liked me and I shouldn't worry about things like that. I really want them to like me since they seem such good guys. I'm not used to being liked by others. I'm not used to being treated like a human being, or answering questions about myself. I'm not used to walking next to someone instead of behind them. I'm not used to expressing myself, showing off my personality and being complimented for it. It's weird for me.. but I hope that someday I can call Molly's friends 'my friends' too. If they want.
I guess it was my environment that made me so sad after all.. as soon as I went to college, escaped my highschool and my hometown, suddenly life seems to become better. It's hard comparing what once was to how I'm living now, it makes me sad that a few years ago I couldn't imagine living past 19, but now I just hope for the best. I'm leaving the heartbreak behind. There is hope for me after all
My friend Molly who also used to be my classmate in primary and middle school became my roommate in college. She went to a different highschool than me, but we reunited in college and our friendship revived beautifully. I was telling her about my wish to get to know new people so she thought it was a good idea to introduce me to a few friends of hers from highschool who were in that area.
I got to meet two of her ex-classmates a few nights ago and they were absolute sweethearts. These two boys were some of the most well-mannered people I've ever met, and they asked me things about myself no one was ever curious about before. I got to tell them about the things I like and found out we have many things in common. They laughed at all my jokes, they were pleasantly surprised by my use of complicated words. These things had my ex-classmates calling me a weird nerd, but these two appreciated my knowledge and my humor. I got to find out new things from them, they shared some of their interests with me. When I had questions they explained nicely without making me feel dumb. They never let me awkwardly walk behind them or sit silently while they talked. They didn't ignore me or make me feel judged at all. I'm not used to this kind of treatment. I couldn't help but arrive at my dorm room and tear up while thinking about all the bullying, sleepless nights, anxiety and fear I had to go through during highschool. I couldn't believe there were nice people on this earth after all.
I am a little paranoid though.. I kept asking myself what if they were just acting nice, what if in reality they couldn't stand me and I was just a fool for falling for their nice act. So I asked my friend Molly what was her opinion on this and she called me crazy. She said it was obvious that they liked me and I shouldn't worry about things like that. I really want them to like me since they seem such good guys. I'm not used to being liked by others. I'm not used to being treated like a human being, or answering questions about myself. I'm not used to walking next to someone instead of behind them. I'm not used to expressing myself, showing off my personality and being complimented for it. It's weird for me.. but I hope that someday I can call Molly's friends 'my friends' too. If they want.
I guess it was my environment that made me so sad after all.. as soon as I went to college, escaped my highschool and my hometown, suddenly life seems to become better. It's hard comparing what once was to how I'm living now, it makes me sad that a few years ago I couldn't imagine living past 19, but now I just hope for the best. I'm leaving the heartbreak behind. There is hope for me after all
