I Pretend I'm Okay

I pretend I am okay, but it is because I am okay. I am alive, I have a job, I have all my limbs, I am generally healthy. But...I am confused. Maybe I am not okay. Maybe I am not alive. Maybe I will leave my job. Maybe I'll lose a limb. Maybe I am sick.

I am not okay.

There is so much inside that is knotted that I can not undo. I try and try and try. I find the end and pull, and start to unwind myself. But, it is just an illusion, and a sick joke, because that knot has no end and no beginning. I convince myself that I have found the solution, that I have found the happiness, that I have found my way. I have found nothing.

I am selfish. There are people in this world with real issues. But mine, are deep inside that no one would dare believe. I live in a world of denial and childish games. I joke, I laugh, I act as far from the adult I am. I overcompensate. I get angry. We all have our problems, so no one can figure out how to help each other when we are stuck on what is in our minds.

But, I still try. My problems will end when I die. So, for now, I am okay. I will be okay. I will only allow myself to be a burden to myself. When I start to lean and fall under the weight, it only leads to fighting and words spewed with hate. So, I have to twist my mind and demand it back to where it was before I let my thoughts consume me.