Should I try to lie to myself?

My life would be immeasurably better if I still believed my wife REALLY loved me and liked me. I think I broke her though - I think the affair damaged her mentally - so she can or will only be so happy and no more. She refuses and has always refused the idea that therapy might help her. I would feel so much better - carry so much less weight - if I could change that perception or that insight. It would even be good for me if I changed the perception if it was lying to myself to do it - or is that wrong? If I feel it then it is my reality right? If I could change the way I think and feel even if it didn't change anything for her it would be my reality at that point. Should I be trying to do this because I feel like they have been so hurt by me for so long that they will not change? If I can somehow alter the way I think about the circumstance (which has happened for me) then I would be happier - even if my son and my wife were not. I wish I could do that.

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Genieinabottle · 51-55, M

The affair was 9 years ago. We went through three years of marriage counseling which I am certain saved the marriage. She has said numerous times that she forgives me but she also said once when she was upset - I have forgiven you.....it's not like I can unforgive you can I? This struck me as her not really having forgiven me - not deep down.

TryingtoLava

@Genieinabottle i think you are making it worse by pressing this tbh she said she forgave you its kinda selfish you wanting to bring it up over and over when you cheated on her! If you feel guilty thats on you tbh and reminding her for NINE years isnt fair like let it go you messed up so leave it and be quiet jeez luiz youre not a victim

Genieinabottle · 51-55, M

@TryingtoLava There is some truth to what you say. I don't bring it up, at least I don't think I do. It doesn't really come up often. I am not the victim - I am the culprit - I agree with you. I am only trying to find a way to cope with life the way it is now. I think I have the right to be happy too - even if it's only a delusion. I don't feel guilty tho - I am beyond that. I felt guilty for a long time - I know what guilt feels like - I don't have any now - maybe too little??

TryingtoLava

@Genieinabottle [quote] I think I broke her though - I think the affair damaged her mentally[/quote] and you dont feel guilty? Ummm okay then good luck mister you reap what you sew and you dont like the harvest but its too bad