I should of seen it coming

The last 48 hours have been rough for me.
The antibiotics have not been helping me and I have not been feeling good.

Joel, our rock as always steps up. He takes care of me, he takes me to the ER. He's there for everything.

So when he gets home from work, he takes his shower like normal, but doesn't come out of our room.

I hear our oldest boy call out Daddy, Papa is on the floor and he's not doing good.

I should of seen this.

I go into our bathroom and he's having a panic attack. His are so different from mine. Mine are in the moment they are intense. I do a lot of pacing and I need a lot of talking and coaching to calm me down.

His are nothing like that, his are after the moment has passed. It's like once he knows everything is okay he gets overwhelmed by some feeling and he has a panic attack. He shuts down, collapses to the floor and stops breathing. They scare me so much. Because he stops breathing.

This one was bad. It lasted longer than any other he's had. He wouldn't breathe. I had to get really loud with him to get him to breathe. It took him a while to recover. Thank goodness my buddy was there to help with the kids. Once he seemed to come I gave him a bottle of water and one of my anxiety pills.

I hate this. This happened because he was worried about me. I shouldn't cause him to have a panic attack. Because I was in the ER all day.

I shouldn't cause him this much step.

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HootyTheNightOwl · 41-45

Yeah, you are sick... but it's not your fault that you are sick and that the medicine that you was given isn't helping you.

You can't blame yourself for things that are beyond your control or the way it affects Joel.

You wouldn't tolerate Joel saying that he hates it because he had a panic attack when your attention should have been on recovering and getting better from your sickness - so targeting the same thing towards yourself shouldn't be tolerated, either.

You did everything that you could when you found out that it was happening and that's all you can really do. You managed to get him to breathe again before he passed out - and he had the good sense to put himself on the ground.

It wasn't YOU that caused the stress for Joel, it is the situation that caused Joel to feel stressed... and you can't avoid ever getting sick again, it's not some pot hole in the road that you can drive around.

Cigarguy · M

@HootyTheNightOwl thank you you are right. I tend to blame myself for a lot things I can't control...

It was just hard seeing him like that. I am glad I was there and I was able to help him work though it safely.

HootyTheNightOwl · 41-45

@Cigarguy I can understand why you are doing it knowing what you've told me about your childhood, but it'll help you now if you can practice being gentler with yourself. Like the fact that you know you can't help being sick anymore than you can help what the weather is doing outside.

The important thing is that you were there for Joel and you got him through it as best as you could, despite being sick yourself. You took action as soon as you knew that he wasn't well and he couldn't reach out for help himself. I'm sure he appreciates that you were there for him and you didn't leave him to go through it alone.

Cigarguy · M

@HootyTheNightOwl I am not kind to myself I don't feel like I should be most of the time

HootyTheNightOwl · 41-45

@Cigarguy You deserve kindness, though.

I mean, you wouldn't dream of treating Joel or the children in the same way as you do yourself... and you're no different to them.

What if you heard Joel beating himself up for having his panic attack when you were sick and you needed him??? You'd soon be there, telling him that he did great going to the hospital with you and that he shouldn't worry about the panic attack... it happened and you both got through it together, despite how scary it was for you both in that moment.

Cigarguy · M

@HootyTheNightOwl I struggle with this. I feel like it's my job to take care of everything and prevent anything from going wrong. When it does I feel like I've failed everyone and should of done better. I know it's stupid and not probably but it's what I ve always done

HootyTheNightOwl · 41-45

@Cigarguy Real life is not a game of The Sims 4, things can and will go wrong. You getting sick isn't a failure, it's a challenge and how you respond to this challenge is the part that matters. Obviously, you can't rage quit and quit the game to get rid of it... so you did the only other thing you could. You sat there on the ground with your man and you talked him through the panic attack in the way that he needed.

Your presence would have reassured and helped him because there's not a lot worse than being alone and going through that.

There's nothing "better" or "different" you could have done in the situation you were placed in. You obviously sat with your man and established how you can help him when this happens - then, when the time came, you put your plan into action and was able to guide him through what was a scary time for you and him both.

It's real life, not some book you're writing where your choice of words can change the entire plot of the character's lives... and there are no fanfics of real life, either. You being sick was likely the trigger for it, but you're not responsible for getting sick or the fact that it happened. It's not like you went out and said "Hey, if you're sick, share your germs with me, I want to be sick, too".

Cigarguy · M

@HootyTheNightOwl I am working on this in therapy now. In fact my therapist wants to see me twice a week now because he thinks I need it

HootyTheNightOwl · 41-45

@Cigarguy That's good news... hopefully your therapist will be able to help you with it. Maybe the more intensive support will help, too.