I Can't Sleep

Been staying up until 5, 6, sometimes 7 or 8 in the morning the last week and half or so. My anxiety is working hard to remind me of everything wrong in my life. The stress from my job, the uncertainty of finding a new career, the upcoming interview I have at corporate HQ, the weight I've been gaining from stress eating, remaining grafted to my futon when I should be working out, coming to this site for creative expression yet failing to write anything of substance, my inability to finish any project I start on, the books I have collecting dust, all my art projects stuck at square one, my excessive rent and debt and being unable to save any money, that parking ticket I still haven't paid, the new tires I need to buy, my disintegrating wardrobe and being unable to buy proper adult clothes, needing to get out more but being too tired, wanting to hike but caught in the rainy season, trying to give dating a shot but paralyzed by my failure to create an even remotely insightful bio, realizing that I'll have to eventually confess my lifetime of solitude to someone that can never relate, also realizing that I have almost no practice talking to people on a regular basis should I be so lucky, having to postpone that fantasy and deal with yet another year of lonely holidays, the high probability that I'll have to suffer an 18th straight birthday alone, the closing window I have to kill myself in a way I won't be found, not knowing whether or not to renew my lease that's almost at an end, all the brilliant epiphanies I've had and can no longer remember, wanting to call myself a poet but not having written a poem in nearly a year, always envisioning the kind of life I want to live and realizing how impossible it seems.

My mind is a tsunami of insecurities every night. I just want to sleep

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BlueDiver · 36-40, M

A big chunk of that stress sounds like stress that you're adding to what's inherently there, rather than stress that's there no matter what. It sounds like you keep telling yourself stories about all the crap, and that those stories get piled onto the crap that's actually there and make an even bigger pile of crap for you to wade through (not to use gross metaphors or anything...).

It sounds like there's a fuck ton of bad crap in your life, and that you have every reason to stress out about it and to be unhappy about it and to feel how you feel about it. BUT... I want to say "that's not the whole story" or "you keep focusing on that part of it and it just reinforces it," but... it's like, that's true - but it's not the heart of it.

The heart of it is: what do you want? What do you truly want, in terms of your highest priorities. Because everyone, whether they admit it to themselves or not, wants to avoid leaving their comfort zone, to avoid growth, to avoid seeing the things that they don't want to see, and to avoid letting go of the stories that shield them from change. It doesn't matter if your comfort zone is miserable or if your life is terrible - because on some level, we all want to hold ourselves in place, regardless of how good or bad or really-fucking-bad that place is.

But we also all have a will to grow. A desire to grow as a person, to move toward seeing the truth about ourselves and the people around us - to become more than we are, and move toward real health and happiness.

We all have a system of values, and we all place personal growth and happiness and staying in our comfort zone and holding onto our stories and a million other things into that value system. We all want happiness, but do we want it more or less than we want to avoid the pain and the responsibility and the often monumental effort that would be required to actually achieve that happiness?

If you've spent so many years being unhappy - then the painful truth is that there's something that you value more than you value happiness. If there weren't, then the unhappiness and the isolation and everything else - it couldn't and wouldn't have lasted for so long.

At the end of the day, the only way to step out of that trap is to admit that you've spent so many years holding yourself in it - which is a truth that's too painful for most people to bear, so they reject it.

1455spd · 31-35, M

@BlueDiver I genuinely appreciate your input on this. There’s a lot of truth to the things you’ve said. And I acknowledge that there’s a lot I could do to tear myself away from my current condition

I’m just caught in the awkward growing pains of trying to reach that better life. I’m stressed at how far away that seems and how much weight I’ve got to carry to get my shit together. It’s an agonizing transition. There’s so much that needs to be done, and it’s just me. The pressure from all of that is crushing. I’ll get there, it’s just going to be a rough ride.

BlueDiver · 36-40, M

I've been there - I've been there, just about as dark and deep as you can go, to the point where the chances of me making it out intact... let's just say that you'd have to give some long-ass odds for anyone to even think about betting on me. But here I am, on the other side, intact and alive. I can't tell you that there's light at the end of the tunnel, but I can tell you from personal experience that the tunnel has a habit of getting brighter over time. Sometimes it's 2 steps forward and 50 steps back, and then 100 more steps back, and then standing still for a while, and then a bit of a dance back and forth - but if you really want it, then I've found that forward progress has a habit of eventually happening, and the barriers that keep you from wanting it have a habit of getting just a little bit weaker.

SW-User

I might be older but i can relate to a lot of your fears and am experiencing them again... now. Not the all nights awake but the stress and uncertainties for sure and uh oh, the dating thing as well as buying clothes and yes, stress does cause weight gain, and whats worse, the lack of sleep will just add to it. A big thing for me was fixing my sleep... well to an extent. I just forced myself to go to sleep at about 10pm. I'd wake up at 4am but at least i got six hours and that will help your anxiety and weight too if you can somehow do it.

ABCDEF7 · M

Hope, this may help you. Please read it to the end..

https://similarworlds.com/5944873-I-Believe-Life-Is-a-Life-Long-Lesson/1786938-Meditation-is-Experience-Experiencing-who-you

Best Wishes. :)

Unlearn · 41-45, M

That is the nature of mind... don't fear the unknown, embrace it.

1455spd · 31-35, M

@Unlearn It's a lot to embrace

Unlearn · 41-45, M

@1455spd no it's not a lot... it's just unknown.

Silentangel · 26-30, F

Try meditation and drink night time calming herbal teas they help me so much 😊 . Hope this helps!

dalfo · 31-35, F

sound sleep will be good for you

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