I need help with something

Im gone too far beyond a psychiatrist to reach me on a spiritual basis . There's no getting through to me cause im not taking there word .
On a holy basis i don't know who can reach me cause over the pain im gone through mentally with situtions going on , on an ongoing for 12 years . Very painful situation which brings up a lot of resentments towards others , then resenting myself for leaving it happen to me constantly . Im not a fighting man , its not my morals i have but the pain is something savage , so i went on to religious beliefs that helped me , gave me faith , but still its to painful .
I be afraid at times im after living my life very fast and went tbrough pain that some people wouldn't go through in a 1000 lifetimes .
So im after loosing so much interest in life .
I witnessed too much . Im afraid id top myself soon .
My parents are elderly and if i do that i could take them out at the age they are .
Anyone relate to the thinking ?
Anyone relate to hard , abusive situations they had ?
Anyone got through hard times and not clinging to resentments.
Anyone stopped trusting everyone ?