I Am In Pain Tonight
I wrote this story about seven months ago. I was torturing myself that night, as I often do... But just like the letters you left for me, it needs its turn in the light. It is yours.
Everyone thinks that this is easy, that its comfortable, that its grand.... it is none of the above. This is one of the hardest decisions I have made in my life.
I don't want to leave you behind, I don't want to let you go. I am of the belief that I love you; remarkable as it is... I did not think myself capable of this level of love, not anymore. I was wrong. The capability still exists within me. you proved that. That is what makes this so hard. Despite my desire to do things the right way, despite the things I had to endure to get here,
despite the fact that I think about you every moment of every day... I know that I need to leave you behind. I know that I have to go.
You will never love me in the same way that I love you. You will never want me in the same way that I want you, and I don't blame you. That is why I need to do this... to skip country. It is BECAUSE I love you. I cannot go through this again. I cannot love this hard again. Love destroys me... and I will destroy you. I would much rather tear the flesh from my body piece by piece than bring harm to you - and you know full well how much I fear that.
You are the one thing that can stop me. You are the one thing that can completely and utterly destroy me. You are the one thing that can save me... But I cannot allow that. I need to get out before my heart forces me to stay. Even if that means that I spend the rest of my life alone and longing for you... Rather have you as the one that got away than risk losing you forever. Rather preserve what we had.
A part of me will always love you. The only part that is capable of love. But I am damaged... I will never be whole again. I will never love again - only you.
This is my decision. I will leave this country and likely never see you again, but that the only way to keep myself intact. This is the only way I know how to survive. I can do this alone...
Granted, I will never experience life by your side, but at the very least I can imagine. I can picture what it would have been like and kill anyone who tries to take that place. It's all i have left
I CAN and WILL always love you. Even if it means that I will bear this burden for the rest of my life... - even if that means letting you go.
Everyone thinks that this is easy, that its comfortable, that its grand.... it is none of the above. This is one of the hardest decisions I have made in my life.
I don't want to leave you behind, I don't want to let you go. I am of the belief that I love you; remarkable as it is... I did not think myself capable of this level of love, not anymore. I was wrong. The capability still exists within me. you proved that. That is what makes this so hard. Despite my desire to do things the right way, despite the things I had to endure to get here,
despite the fact that I think about you every moment of every day... I know that I need to leave you behind. I know that I have to go.
You will never love me in the same way that I love you. You will never want me in the same way that I want you, and I don't blame you. That is why I need to do this... to skip country. It is BECAUSE I love you. I cannot go through this again. I cannot love this hard again. Love destroys me... and I will destroy you. I would much rather tear the flesh from my body piece by piece than bring harm to you - and you know full well how much I fear that.
You are the one thing that can stop me. You are the one thing that can completely and utterly destroy me. You are the one thing that can save me... But I cannot allow that. I need to get out before my heart forces me to stay. Even if that means that I spend the rest of my life alone and longing for you... Rather have you as the one that got away than risk losing you forever. Rather preserve what we had.
A part of me will always love you. The only part that is capable of love. But I am damaged... I will never be whole again. I will never love again - only you.
This is my decision. I will leave this country and likely never see you again, but that the only way to keep myself intact. This is the only way I know how to survive. I can do this alone...
Granted, I will never experience life by your side, but at the very least I can imagine. I can picture what it would have been like and kill anyone who tries to take that place. It's all i have left
I CAN and WILL always love you. Even if it means that I will bear this burden for the rest of my life... - even if that means letting you go.
