Let's be clear, I trust none of you..
Sometimes I get this feeling of walking to the top of the highest mountain I can reach by foot, and scream as hard and loud as I can for as long as I can, until my voice cracks and my throat hurts, and I can't physically scream anymore... Just let it all out, all the rage, pain, anger and relief of knowing I successed.
I constantly have to remind myself, you don't respect me cause you care about me, I don't own your respect, I am paying for it, I am buying your respect. You don't pat me on my back out of care, but interest. My days here are numbered, until then I won't let myself feel this pain, just to make sure you see the smile you want on my face. I am not trying to convince you I am happy, cause I know I could never deceive you, so I deceive myself to think I am happy, no fake smiles. The second I catch myself falling for your bullshit, I remind myself how much you hurt me, I remind myself how you gave me 2 weeks to pay or move out, just 2 weeks after I was officially told I didn't have cancer. I remind myself the condescending looks on your faces each day, I remind myself the fear I felt to leave my room, fear to eat, to take a bath, to wash my cloths, to be in the same space as you...
And you know what really hurts in all of this... that tho I didn't kill myself when you kicked me out.. some part of me died that night, the part of me that saw good in people. And now I understand, just because someone is nice to you, doesn't mean they are good. Thanks for the lesson.
I constantly have to remind myself, you don't respect me cause you care about me, I don't own your respect, I am paying for it, I am buying your respect. You don't pat me on my back out of care, but interest. My days here are numbered, until then I won't let myself feel this pain, just to make sure you see the smile you want on my face. I am not trying to convince you I am happy, cause I know I could never deceive you, so I deceive myself to think I am happy, no fake smiles. The second I catch myself falling for your bullshit, I remind myself how much you hurt me, I remind myself how you gave me 2 weeks to pay or move out, just 2 weeks after I was officially told I didn't have cancer. I remind myself the condescending looks on your faces each day, I remind myself the fear I felt to leave my room, fear to eat, to take a bath, to wash my cloths, to be in the same space as you...
And you know what really hurts in all of this... that tho I didn't kill myself when you kicked me out.. some part of me died that night, the part of me that saw good in people. And now I understand, just because someone is nice to you, doesn't mean they are good. Thanks for the lesson.
