Saying Goodbye Almost A Year Later

10 days after your birthday, you died
I feel like I was a zombie the whole time, not grasping all that happened and what it would mean.
I kept waiting for you to come home.
And then I didn't, and accepted the truth my mind did not want to.

Coming up soon, your 1st death anniversary, and it seems like it wasn't that long ago.
I try to remember anything meaningful from those last few days, but my mind goes blank; it still can't process it.
I remember before it happened when I begged God to work a miracle and not take my husband.
But during the two weeks in the hospital, it seemed I was waiting for the inevitable.
Trying to protect you from some of my insensitive family and your narcissistic sister.
Then you were gone, and now the haze began, and is honestly just starting to lift a little.

We said goodbye, and I love you a few days before.
I am glad that was spoken.
Some people don't get a chance to say goodbye.

Some days I see a future for myself, and I guess that is progress.
I may marry again if I get a chance in the
DISTANT future, something I could not even think about at first.
I need to process it all and am seeking help to do so.
I will be perfectly happy if that opportunity doesn't present itself as well.
I have my grandchildren, my daughter, my son, and my family.
Some have no family at all.

I will always miss you and won't forget you ever.
I miss your help, your steadiness, the way you gave of yourself for us, your family.
I miss the delight in your eyes when the granddaughters came to visit.
You can never be replaced, and I will never seek to do that.
I know you'd want the best for me, and I do not have to keep a shrine, but I will keep the memories forever.
I love you, darling,
As the oldest granddaughter said, "I love you, and that will never change, no matter what."
Rachael