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can you even have a heart-to-heart with a compulsive liar

i've kind of been wanting to get something off my chest. when my mom died my cousin offered over and over again to be there for me 24/7. and i kinda brushed it off for a while cause that's just something people say when someone is going through a loss. but he just kept offering, and a few months prior he gave me this big speech about how he doesn't understand subtext and needs everything to be said directly or he won't understand. so i was like, well, with that in mind he won't say something if he doesn't mean it right? if he wants me to be direct bc he doesn't understand subtext then he would also be direct, so his direct offers must be sincere right?

so i asked him to spend the night with me bc i was just really scared at night for a period after my mom died. not just wanting a distraction from the unbearable grief but also i was just scared af of the dark and being alone. but the first time i asked him to come over he got a weirdly timed text and had to leave after a couple hours or something. i was like that seemed fake lol but whatever

but then he starts offering to be around again 24/7 whenever i need. i was like dang maybe there was actually an emergency idk.

so i ask him to come over again and we watched a movie. then right as the movie ends he sends a text then immeditelyyyyy gets a very convenient phonecall about an emergency. my cousin monotone af like "oh what's wrong? slow down whats happening? omg okay okay"

he's like there's an emergency. i'll call an uber i have to go. and i was like bruh you live 5 minutes away, i'll just drive you. why would you want to wait for an uber

and i didn't bother asking him meet up again but like. wtf. i told another close friend about it a couple days later and he's liiike that's kind of messed up to fake a crisis twice while you're actually dealing with one. till that point i was just kind of off-put by the situation. like it was weird and it made me feel bad but it's not even that surprising to me my cousin would do that. but at that moment i was like you're right that is kind of messed up actually!

like just don't make offers over and over again if you don't mean them, come on now. or if you wanted to go home just say that!!! why are you faking emergency phonecalls like i'm a scary date? that feels shıtty!!

and i'm not exactly angry or anything but every time we text, any time i think of him, talk about him, whatever... i think of him faking emergency calls to leave. and i just want to tell him that it kind of sucked so i can get over it

but lowkey i suspect he's a compulsive liar. so maybe it's not even worth talking about. because it's been years. because it's not like i can prove he faked emergencies to skedaddle. but like.. i can feel in my heart that's exactly what happened.

i don't even want an apology. i just want him to know i know what he did and it was a really hurtful. it would have been better to just be honest and say you want to be home. i think it'll give me some closure.

but uhhhh if tries to lie out of it.... liiiiiike... yeah i worry i won't want to be friends anymore lol. he's no contact with our family besides me. i see the family for special events because i feel like i have to, but besides my dad, he's all the family i've got.

maybe it's not even worth bringing up tbh. i just want to stop thinking of it every time he shoots me a text and i don't know how
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TheHammer · M
Why are you still his friend?
Frostcloud · F
@TheHammer uhmmm yeah actually idk lol. we're both pretty much the only family we talk to and i suppose i don't want to lose that
TheHammer · M
@Frostcloud
To me that sounds like having a dog that bites you in the ass whenever you turn your back to it and saying, well we're all we have so I'll put up with the sore ass every now and then.
Compulsive liars literally lie about things that don't even matter to anyone and it's infuriating. I'm not sure confrontation would do any good bc honestly they often also believe the lies they tell and will run when confronted or worse.

Odds are if you mention it he's going to act like hanging out for the little time he was there was all he could do and that he did SO much for you by showing up just to ditch you. And "how dare you think he'd fake an emergency" 🙄 or something. I guess... It depends on how willing you are to go toe to toe with them realistically and call them out. Mind you they WILL have their friends lie to back them up if need be, so be prepared 😔
Nightwings · F
It's so weird that he would keep saying that he'd be around anytime, even after he faked an emergency once. Why would he do it again? I don't think I'd trust him enough to bring it up, because what do you say when he denies everything... I think it will just be awkward... If you're considering cleaning the air between you to feel better around him, I'm afraid it will end up having the opposite effect. Like I don't know obviously, maybe he's different now since it's been years, but if you really do want to bring it up, how about doing it subtly? Like talk about how something happened to a friend which will remind him of what he did back then, and if you end up vibing and are having a good time while on the similar topic, maybe he'll decide to open up about it? No idea how exactly that would go lol, but maybe you have an idea yourself since you're the one who knows him. I think he prefers indirect approach despite stating the opposite lol, and probably only talks truthfully with people when he's feeling a connection. If he ever does. I would either do that, or I'd leave it in the past, but I think this method might be the surest way to establish a good relationship with him. Maybe he felt shy and didn't know what to day once he was actually staying at your place? I guess there's always room to give someone the benefit of doubt, as long as you don't end up getting hurt again. This approach may lead nowhere, but is probably less likely to damage the relationship further, if that makes sense?
Frostcloud · F
@Nightwings i think you're right that he very well may deny everything which would a.) be awkward and b.) i'd probably get kind of upset lol. i've kind of indirectly mentioned it when i talked about a friend saying how they were one of the few people who were actually there for me but idk. as much as i want to clear the air i don't think it'll work out
Nightwings · F
@Frostcloud Yeah. I can only say if it was me, I would not like cut him out of my life forever or anything like that, but he would probably just be someone I'm related to, but not exactly friends with. For what it's worth I basically have no family either (just a mother and stepfather, that's literally all aside from my husband), so I know how much it sucks. It's just not worth it if the guy is going to be like that anyways. /=
Musicman · 61-69, M
You can, but it's super rare.
That's odd ...why waste your time ?
Unless you think it will make you feel better ...other than that it seems pointless
Frostcloud · F
@Chern0bylplaygr0unds it could make me feel better. it might not depending on their response. it's a gamble fr

 
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