I lost a friend back on EP
I guess I just felt like telling this story of an online friend that I lost once more--the last time I talked about this was years ago, and with a different account. I never shared the full story back then, and today I started thinking about him again, so here we are. Back on EP, around the time I first joined in the fall of 2013, I met one of the first friends I would make on that site. I won't reveal his name, but I'll call him R. I was 22 and had just graduated college, R. was 19 and had just started college. He was a musician, but was studying business, as I did. In a way, there was a mentor/mentee relationship between us. Not that I've ever been confident of my ability to give advice, but I was able to offer it when he asked. We were from very different backgrounds. I'm from urban California, he was from a conservative, evangelical family in Indiana. Our politics were different and we playfully clashed sometimes, but we got along well, and talked about all kinds of things. Eventually, we started talking on Yahoo Messenger and shared more about ourselves; he told me his full name and showed me photos of himself and his family. I did the same. I remember looking him up on Google and finding out he was an Eagle Scout, heavily involved in his church, and had won numerous academic awards. He clearly had a promising future ahead of him; he was very intelligent in his conversations with me and seemed to be loved by his friends and family.
With all that in mind, it was also clear to me that R. was on EP for a very specific reason: to talk about things he couldn't tell his friends and family. He had such a perfect image, but there was certainly more to him than what showed in a Google search. While he never indicated to me that he was in a dark place, he did reveal to me some things that he very much did not want his friends and family to know. Namely, that he was attracted to other men. I'm straight, and he knew that, and that isn't why he reached out to me. We were just friends, but we trusted each other, and he felt he could reveal that to me. But he talked as if there was no way he would ever tell anyone in real life about it, that he could never see himself in a relationship with a guy, and that he would eventually marry a woman. I never told him what to do, but I was honest that I hoped he wouldn't have to keep this part of him hidden.
In either case, R. and I continued talking on a fairly regular basis for almost two years. I remember him saying he was interested in attending Pepperdine for graduate school, which is near where I lived. Of course I loved the idea that he might move out here and we could meet in person, but it was never a sure thing. Then, in the summer of 2015, right around my birthday, he abruptly stopped talking to me. I sent him a message on Yahoo, he didn't respond. I waited a few days, sent another message, no response. I also sent him an email, but never heard back.
A couple months went by without hearing from him, and by then I decided that I would leave him alone. I figured he had his reasons for not wanting to talk to me anymore, and I wasn't going to push it. I was sad that he would drop me as a friend without warning like that, but I didn't hold it against him. I moved on. A year passed, and I thought about him: "Whatever happened to R.?" Since I recalled searching him online before, I decided to do so again, and what I found was his obituary. R. had died, by suicide, in the summer of 2015, right when he stopped talking to me. It's weird to have a friend die but find out a year later, and know that you never could've gone to their funeral or even told anyone that you knew him. Online friendships are real, but they're also very different.
I thought constantly about why he might've taken his own life when he had so much going for him. Of course I thought it had something to do with what he revealed to me, but there's no way to know. I'm sure there's plenty he didn't tell me. I felt like I knew him, but I'm sure I didn't know half as much as I thought I did. R. was only 20, a few weeks from turning 21, when he died. All the comments on his obituary page showed he was loved by so many people and that he really touched their hearts. He touched mine. I still think about him, his life snuffed out too early, the fact that he felt he couldn't fully be himself with the people who loved him the most. He's not coming back, but I'll never forget him.
Anyway, that was long. I may delete this. Just wanted to type it all out.
With all that in mind, it was also clear to me that R. was on EP for a very specific reason: to talk about things he couldn't tell his friends and family. He had such a perfect image, but there was certainly more to him than what showed in a Google search. While he never indicated to me that he was in a dark place, he did reveal to me some things that he very much did not want his friends and family to know. Namely, that he was attracted to other men. I'm straight, and he knew that, and that isn't why he reached out to me. We were just friends, but we trusted each other, and he felt he could reveal that to me. But he talked as if there was no way he would ever tell anyone in real life about it, that he could never see himself in a relationship with a guy, and that he would eventually marry a woman. I never told him what to do, but I was honest that I hoped he wouldn't have to keep this part of him hidden.
In either case, R. and I continued talking on a fairly regular basis for almost two years. I remember him saying he was interested in attending Pepperdine for graduate school, which is near where I lived. Of course I loved the idea that he might move out here and we could meet in person, but it was never a sure thing. Then, in the summer of 2015, right around my birthday, he abruptly stopped talking to me. I sent him a message on Yahoo, he didn't respond. I waited a few days, sent another message, no response. I also sent him an email, but never heard back.
A couple months went by without hearing from him, and by then I decided that I would leave him alone. I figured he had his reasons for not wanting to talk to me anymore, and I wasn't going to push it. I was sad that he would drop me as a friend without warning like that, but I didn't hold it against him. I moved on. A year passed, and I thought about him: "Whatever happened to R.?" Since I recalled searching him online before, I decided to do so again, and what I found was his obituary. R. had died, by suicide, in the summer of 2015, right when he stopped talking to me. It's weird to have a friend die but find out a year later, and know that you never could've gone to their funeral or even told anyone that you knew him. Online friendships are real, but they're also very different.
I thought constantly about why he might've taken his own life when he had so much going for him. Of course I thought it had something to do with what he revealed to me, but there's no way to know. I'm sure there's plenty he didn't tell me. I felt like I knew him, but I'm sure I didn't know half as much as I thought I did. R. was only 20, a few weeks from turning 21, when he died. All the comments on his obituary page showed he was loved by so many people and that he really touched their hearts. He touched mine. I still think about him, his life snuffed out too early, the fact that he felt he couldn't fully be himself with the people who loved him the most. He's not coming back, but I'll never forget him.
Anyway, that was long. I may delete this. Just wanted to type it all out.
