Whose Loss Is This, Anyway?

The problem with feel-goodism and clichés thrown at grief is that they are not adequate to stop pain, and often hurt more than they help.
And people should care; they should not want to cause pain because they felt the need to say something, anything, and, not knowing what to say, blundered into something meaningless.
Yes, I forgive those who do so unintentionally, but what I find abhorrent is when you explain how you feel, they get defensive, whose loss is this, anyway?
So, anymore I just nod my head, and they go away thinking they helped when instead they have made fresh wounds.
What is meaningful is a simple sorry for your loss, holding their hand, letting you cry on their shoulder, and accepting their grief is not to be solved by a few feel-good words; it has to be endured and pushed through.
It is okay to acknowledge pain and to cry with someone; why don't we know this?
Instead, we often try to fix it so we don't have to "deal" with it.

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bijouxbroussard · F Best Comment

After losses I found myself avoiding certain people because they never failed to make me feel worse. I understand not knowing what to say, so I say what meant the most to me during my bereavement:
"I’m sorry" and "I’m here if you need me". And I sincerely mean both. The pain and grief cannot be eased, but it’s always good to know one has friends who care. 🥺

Justmeraeagain · 56-60, F

@bijouxbroussard 🫂❤

GeminiRain · M

Be a constant source of support and express empathy with honest emotions behind it has helped me

Ohplease47 · F

@bijouxbroussard heres another way not to handle grief...in the film Jesus of Montreal the acting troupe gradually become Jesus and his little inner circle..
and when Jesus is killed again, the same cluelessness and crudeness ensue, just like the first time, only his two women besties..are inconsolable...again.

How to handle grief??...act better in the first place...or even harder, BE better.

Ohplease47 · F

Anothers genuine presence is the only healer

Watch a film called Reign Over Me

bijouxbroussard · F

@Ohplease47 Very poignant, and Adam Sandler was very effective in a serious role. I’ve always been a fan of Don Cheadle, too.

Renkon · M

Most people are not afraid of your grief. They are afraid of their own helplessness.

That's their limitation ....not a measure of your worth or your pain.
Grieve fully. Grieve honestly. And find the rare ones who can just sit with you without flinching. Those are your people.

Justmeraeagain · 56-60, F

@Renkon
My sister Jill who's grandson is going through cancer treatments was told to "shut up ,I can't deal with you anymore" for simply correcting a person's mistake about the grandson's treatment.
Not everyone is kind nor sympathetic of course most are ,but they just don't know what to say.
And the others, as you pointed out, are actually helpful.
Yes ,they're probably are some people that feel inadequate and don't know what to do ;I've had that feeling myself.
I am sorry to disagree with you, on one point, but I do believe there are many want to hurry you out of your grief so they don't have to witness it.
Most are not as blunt as the person who was so rude to my sister Jill.
But, they do make it known that they don't want to talk about this ,because they don't like how they're feeling about your grief.
They are trying to change the subject without any acknowledgment of the pain that you're expressing they throw at you a "you should be happy he is in heaven" or "you should be happy he's not in pain anymore" or they sprint for the door after they have made the polite expected response of " I'll be praying for you"
And if these responses make you a little bit sad and disappointed it is always your problem why aren't you happy someone is praying for you or whatever.
I think we can do better than that
I think we should know how the grieving feel so that we can do better than that.
Anyway ,that is my own thoughts.

uncalled4 · 56-60, M

All I say is "I'm here" and offer condolences.

Justmeraeagain · 56-60, F

@uncalled4 That is enough ♥

uncalled4 · 56-60, M

@Justmeraeagain That's what I've found.

OlderSometimesWiser · F

I think in large part people don’t know this because unfortunately they’ve never been taught. Death, dying, grief are subjects which may be uncomfortable to focus on but should be addressed as an important part of one’s education.

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