I do and don't

I want to die....but nature is so beautiful. So peaceful. How could I ever give nature up?

Today I held my moms container of ashes so hard as I cried my soul out.

I'm dead already, but I wish I could find a way to live while my body is still alive.

Life is beautiful. So precious and amazing. Kind and fruitful.

But I think I'm too tired now...

Don't see a purpose any more. I've thought that my whole life really. But, seems more prominent now.

My mom and I were ... schemers? We made trip plans. Only one out of ten ever came true. But I loved that one that did happen.

My meds help me from becoming a crying ball of agony. But in my soul I know how I feel.

Ya know when my dad died I thought I'd die by 18 for sure. Didn't think I'd survive high school actually. And then I did.

Maybe this time with my mom can be the same..

But at the same time, pieces are lost..... we survive but pieces are lost...

I am existing.

I am only alive.

Just alive.