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I Know Pain, Grief And Suffering

I was blamed for my grandmother’s death.

She had stage 4 lymphoma and to not scare the family she diminished her feelings and symptoms to present it that although it was there, it wasn’t bothering her much and she wasn’t dying.

Fast forward years later and I’m picking her up from my aunt’s house and watching my grandma walk shakily down a tall flight of stairs while home alone. That’s when I said, “that’s it” and decided she was staying with me. I hired an amazing hospice organization that provided true palliative care EVERY DAY at my home without rushing her to her death. I was 26.

I gave it my all- gave up everything to make sure she was okay and always put her first. I even switched to night shift at my job so that I could cover the other half of the day that hospice wasn’t there. I didn’t care about what I had to do or change in my life. The lady that made me pancakes every morning, watched me at all my recitals, forgave me and loved me even through my weird middle school phase (we all had one)....this giant of a human being in my life...was dying.

When she died I was met with different kind of grief that I will NEVER understand. My family claimed that I did it for the money (grandma spent it all), that I rushed her death via DNR (which all her children signed btw), that I did not fully disclose how sick she was to everyone (bc “terminal cancer” is apparently a very vague term to some), and that ultimately it was a mistake that I took her bc they could’ve done this better and I was just a child. I did what I could WILLINGLY bc once upon a time my grandma took care of me. I never asked my family for help physically or financially.

The amount of self doubt and isolation after her death was unmanageable. I now hate my entire family and have ceased communicating with them. They’ve never apologized or even bothered to ask why I’ve removed myself.
Even though it’s been almost 10 years, I still cannot forgive them and I don’t think I ever will. I can never forgive the people that tried so hard to convince me that I killed my grandma...that treated me like a human punching bag for their own sick, selfish form of grief. What pisses me of the most and what’s the most unforgiving of all of that for a split second...I almost believed them.
It’s admirable that you did what you did. I’m sure she was so happy to have you there for her day after day, giving her love and attention.

I understand how you feel, I took on guardianship and trusteeship of my mom, she had Alzheimer’s and my siblings had every chance to dispute my application in court. But they each chose not to. I couldn’t keep her at home with me, at the end of my time with her, she didn’t recognize me or my kids, her grandchildren, anymore. That broke our hearts. I had to put her into long term care, but we visited her often and she began to recognize us again. But, as it’s a cruel and degenerative disease, we began losing her again. She went blind, she could no longer walk on her own, and after about a year and a half, she passed. My niece, her alternate guardian, and I let her go last November. She got sick, for the second time in a week, she aspirated, and we couldn’t bear to see her suffer any longer. I tried, before she was deemed incapacitated by our family doctor, to have her complete a living will/personal directives and a will, but she refused. She did tell us she did not want to be kept alive like that but I couldn’t invoke anything without a conference with her doctor. That was the hardest thing I had to do. I called my siblings, but not one came. My niece was told by her sister that my siblings blamed me for “putting her away”, and spending all her money. Her money went to the facility, she needed 24 hour care. I helped by buying her clothes, toiletries, shoes, anything she needed. I would decorate her room, my daughter and niece would help. They visited rarely, and did not buy her much of anything. I didn’t care, she is my mom, and I was going to be there for her.
Her funeral was extremely stressful for me, I was still getting chemo and I had started radiation. I’m surprised, to be quite honest, that I didn’t get more sick than I already was.

I didn’t mean to highjack your story, but I just wanted you to know, I get it. I get all of it.

You have a good heart. Never lose that.
assemblingaknob · 26-30, F
@Annii You are extremely strong. 💛
@Annii not hijacking at all and I’m glad you shared. I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s so easy for everyone else to blame and project their feelings onto you with no responsibility for their own feelings and actions. The same people that were nowhere to be found during her illness. I get it - my grandma also aspirated- many times and each time created its own mini-emergency. If I’ve learned anything from that experience- it’s that you can really see someone’s true character during stressful and arduous times and once you see their true colors- don’t ever forget it. You did the right thing, even when no one was watching. Going forward I truly believe good things will always come your way because of it.
You’re very kind. Thank you. I’m still messed up from the chemo drugs, and dealing with the side effects like neuropathy- I bought a cane today. I never thought I’d ever need one. Life’s a struggle but I’ve been through worse, as have you. Look for the angels, they’re headed your way. 🙏🏼❤️@DecafD
SwampFlower · 26-30, F
You did your best and took good care of her. If they were really concerned, they would have offered support while she was still there with you. I'm so sorry it ended up like that. You didn't deserve it. 🤗
No offense but i don't see how you could have taken care of her if you were working all night.. and if you did take her finances to yourself, how could they not blame you? But sometimes people just want to blame someone else because they cant face reality for what it is

And i always considered DNRs a cold hearted death wish .. maybe they just wanna act innocent and you're their scapegoat
@SStarfish yeah scapegoat is a good word for it. It was easier to find a hospice worker to stay the night vs during the day bc they’re in higher demand for other homes so I took night shift so I could have the day with her, plus she’s less maintenance in the evening. This means I was there in the day and rotated with a hospice nurse in the evening. By taking on her finances I didn’t mean that I took her money- it means whatever bills she owed for healthcare and medication- I took care of it. She really didn’t have any money bc she gave it all to her son years ago.
@DecafD oh ok
Carazaa · F
People all deal with grief differently! The stages are 1. Denial/ shock 2.anger
3. Bargaining 4.. Depression 5.acceptance and it’s cyclical but the cycles get fewer and less severe with time.
Sometimes the road is long and I hope they will come to acceptance one day I hope!
You are amazing to have cared and done so much for your grandma! Try to forgive your family for their jealousy and anger!
@Carazaa thank you! I hope so too.
assemblingaknob · 26-30, F
You cared for her in every way possible!! 🤗🌺
Fauxmyope2 · 26-30, F
I am sorry that you had to endure the horrific treatment from your family after the death of your grandmother. 🤗
Streamofconsciousness · 31-35, T
This was upsetting to read. Unfortunately, when it comes to death, people often act in bizarre ways. I know a few people who also had family members put blame on them even though they didn't lift a finger to assist when the deceased family member was in the last stages of life. It is mind-blowing how erratic and illogical people behave when confronted with death. Regret and guilt fuel the unenlightened to place blame on whomever is easiest to target.

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