I Know Pain, Grief And Suffering

I am in so much pain right now - my heart feels like it's shattered. My family don't understand. I try to show them but I don't know how. I try to tell them and it becomes a competition of who's pain is worse. I am so tired of feeling on the edge of depression facing the abyss. I wanna fall. I just want it to consume me - because it's the only comfort I get. I'm tired of fighting. Every time I think that "this is it, this is rock bottom" I hit a new low. I haven't cried and it's all building up. It's ridiculous, all I can say is that I feel incredibly incredibly sad. Yet, I feel numb too. I can't process everything. I am grieving the loss of a loved one but I'm not allowed to because life has to go on, I have to sort out paperwork, look after everyone else, be better. I've pretended for as long as I could. I'm so f@cking weak. I want to crumple into the arms of someone strong. But alas, I feel so totally utterly alone. I'm facing memories of when I suffered deep depression before and it hurts so much. I cried alone. I cut alone. I hid my pain better back then.