I Was A Bully Victim

I was a bit of a nerdy kid: academic and poor at sports. I didn't have many friends, though those I had were priceless and close. I got picked on sometimes, but I shrugged it off and dealt with it intelligently.

I've been thinking about this recently in relation to kids who are victimized by their peers. That, of course, is unacceptable. But I really think that "being bullied" is more a mind-set than a reality in many circumstances.

We're doing kids a disservice by allowing them to become (and regard themselves as) victims in the face of normal childhood struggles.

I'm not normalizing or excusing oppressive behaviour here, but I think that society is doing children a disservice by allowing them to become victims rather than to stand up for themselves (and I don't mean physically, necessarily: I mean psychologically.) It's hardly a good lesson for adult life.

I have never hit a fellow being, but I scared some sad assholes off well and true when I was a child. It may be politically incorrect to say so, but I'm glad I was brought up that way, rather than to feel sorry for myself and blame others.

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lily88mercy · 26-30, F

You make some good points; however, I think there are different degrees of abuse as well as there are individuals with different capacities to tolerate. In your case, both your psychological strengths and tolerance were exemplary. This most likely decreased your chances of becoming a target.

What I saw growing up is that many kids had very little consciousness about emotional sensitivity, ethics or integrity. If they saw vulnerability they pounced on it. If they were a group they swarmed on a kid like sharks smelling blood in a feeding frenzy.

I was fortunate to grow up with a large extended family. Our kin looked out for another. Our best friends were cousins that we grew up with from the crib and so we navigated our way through prejudice and bullying by sticking together and making it very very very uncomfortable for anyone to pick on us. You picked on one of us....you picked on the clan.

In this way, a kid who did not have your innate psychological toughness had some breathing space to grow up and develop the tough skin. How did that boy or girl get there? Heck, as cousins, we poked fun at each other relentlessly but we also knew instinctively when a line was crossed from getting jostled to being hurt. And if a girl or boy didn't pick up on that then another cousin or sibling would point it out in not too tactful terms, i.e.,

"Hey knucklehead, you've beaten that boyo to a stump, now lay off or try layin' some licks on me and see how your ass feels when I'm through with ya."

A consciousness raising entreaty artfully expressed, eh?

Nathan1989 · 31-35, M

@lily88mercy [i]A consciousness raising entreaty artfully expressed, eh?[/i]

Oh, indeed!

But I was the only child of a single parent (with a couple of father figures along the way, but that's hardly the point.)

You're right that many kids have little sensitivity. That's why I'm so glad to have been brought up by a mum who warned me of that, and taught me to deal with it through intellect rather than knuckles, you see?

lily88mercy · 26-30, F

@Nathan1989
Both you and your mom deserve praise. She was lucky to have a son who took her lessons to heart...and survived!

Growing up through the school grades just isn't the innocent paradise that many others like to paint.

Even within the insulation of my group and supportive parents there were many times I felt very fragile and vulnerable. Like many kids I didn't have the words to explain these complex feelings and so I just kept everything inside.

"Intellect" takes a lot of growth to develop. And to develop this one needs an advanced capacity for observation, conceptual processing, and complex language. You were blessed to have these gifts.

Me? Well, hell, me and my kin were 4 generations of Navy and Marine Corp. All the kids started dance and tumbling at the age of 3 and martial arts at 5. Where any of us were a little slow to develop the intellectual gifts you had.....we made up for it with self-discipline and a willingness to scrap.

Nathan1989 · 31-35, M

Thanks for your kind comments, lily. I don't know how lucky my parents were, really, but I know we were lucky to have one another.

I don't know much about martial arts, but I know enough to understand that it's about skill and dedication more than "scrapping" :-D

SoFine · 46-50, F

The 2 life tools of 1. Self-worth 2. Self-love
They anchor us, to be balanced in life.

How we build them up, is for us each to figure out. Our parents mostly were raised in Dysfunction, they pass this on. Many of those that did the bully, have a bully in their home life, then do the same at school.
Your bully, may have been very insecure, then felt big, to do this to you.

The difference is how long we walk around afterwards mulling over what people said or did. We perpetuate the Victim when we relive this incidents, we keep us stuck.

3 × times I have been told to Kill myself, I can let this get to me, or I can forgive them, in the forgive is the release to me.

Learn to let this past hurt go, else you pile them up as you go on, more hurts will happen, they pile up, let them go.

We can't hide children from pain, we can't. Some will be small pains, yet we don't know, how they get internalized. Each one hangs onto stuff/events, teach them how to let go.

I use meditation to heal my mind, the still, the silence is so free. Free of worry, free of fears. Letting go. Helps not to dwell on old past, old past is full of perception, that becomes cloudy and causes stagnation of the mind.

In each moment is new, in each moment is peace.

To be....at peace.

sighmeupforthat · 46-50, M

relax, this is not news.. i had this.. my parents had this, grand parents..

there's an elitism and they need us.

w/o us their parents couldn't pay their way out of beer pong rape.

not joking actually, i figured it as a joke for a long time when i was younger but us loser, nerd, geek, dork, underling.... i thought i was a waste.

no... those who need us don't get it until it's too late.

you're just sorting the shit out.

it's ok, least you come to this point in your thinking.

Mikemcneil · 61-69, M

You claim to be a teacher. If that's true you appear to know next to nothing about bullying and it's causes. Victim blaming is disgraceful.

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Nathan1989 · 31-35, M

@Mikemcneil [i] Acceptance of bullying normalises the problem.[/i]

I couldn't agree more. Unfortunately, "zero tolerance" has failed to eradicate bullying. I believe self-empowerment is part of the answer, that's all.

It takes more effort, though.

Mikemcneil · 61-69, M

Not all kids have the capacity or ability to respond to bullying by way of intelligence or attitude though. I just think it's expecting a little too much from the ones who find themselves on the end of bullying. The change really has to come either from the bully or the parents of the bully. From a sociological point of view the parents are the prime cause anyway.

Nathan1989 · 31-35, M

There will always be natural victims. I don't have an answer to that.

But they are the minority, and we have to protect them in a different way from the majority of kids. I maintain that putting "normal" kids (whatever that may mean) into a "victim" mind-set is verging on abuse.

Your last point is, of course, pertinent. Teachers with a zero-tolerance policy are armed only with Band-Aids.

Mikemcneil · 61-69, M

Ps As a teacher you might want to look at the comment you made that included "well and true" 😂

Nathan1989 · 31-35, M

@Mikemcneil Don't get pedantic with me, kid LOL

Nathan1989 · 31-35, M

I don't think I'm judging anyone: just expressing my opinion.

Mikemcneil · 61-69, M

Who are you to judge others?

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