I Was A Bully Victim

I was a bit of a nerdy kid: academic and poor at sports. I didn't have many friends, though those I had were priceless and close. I got picked on sometimes, but I shrugged it off and dealt with it intelligently.

I've been thinking about this recently in relation to kids who are victimized by their peers. That, of course, is unacceptable. But I really think that "being bullied" is more a mind-set than a reality in many circumstances.

We're doing kids a disservice by allowing them to become (and regard themselves as) victims in the face of normal childhood struggles.

I'm not normalizing or excusing oppressive behaviour here, but I think that society is doing children a disservice by allowing them to become victims rather than to stand up for themselves (and I don't mean physically, necessarily: I mean psychologically.) It's hardly a good lesson for adult life.

I have never hit a fellow being, but I scared some sad assholes off well and true when I was a child. It may be politically incorrect to say so, but I'm glad I was brought up that way, rather than to feel sorry for myself and blame others.

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Mikemcneil · 61-69, M

You claim to be a teacher. If that's true you appear to know next to nothing about bullying and it's causes. Victim blaming is disgraceful.

Nathan1989 · 31-35, M

@Mikemcneil I'm not blaming victims, just championing the cause of their education in looking after themselves, Mike.

BTW, possessive "its" has no apostrophe. Trust me, I'm a teacher ;-)

Mikemcneil · 61-69, M

By saying that in your opinion victims of bullying should look after themselves better you are of course judging them. It's ridiculous to say that you personally dealt with bullying by using your intelligence. A witty comeback won't stop many punches. In effect you're saying that people of lesser intelligence should study more. If that isn't you being judgmental what is it? What is your school policy on the prevention of bullying? Why is it that you think you know better?

Nathan1989 · 31-35, M

@Mikemcneil I think where we misunderstand each other is on the idea of blaming the victim. I'm certainly not suggesting that's right. My school has a zero tolerance policy on victimization and I fully support that. Nor am I suggesting that bullying is ever the bullied kids' fault.

It's not a matter of "intelligence," it's about learning to deal with difficult social situations intelligently (which, thankfully, I was).

I'm just saying that young people deserve more support in dealing with those situations rather than the easy response of telling them that they should report the matter (and thus become victims).

Trouble is, many kids don't report bullying because they are too proud; others because they feel that they're to blame (often for very personal reasons: because they're gay, or physically different, or they smell... or -- dare I say -- they're from a different cultural background). If they aren't taught ways to deal with abusive situations, then they become sitting ducks.

I'm sure we're both equally as keen to protect vulnerable children and stamp out oppression, of course. It's just that when the tried and tested answers have failed for so many generations, I believe fresh avenues are worth exploring.

I'm a gay Jew, BTW. I know a bit about being different.

Thanks for your comments.

Mikemcneil · 61-69, M

Fair point. Where I disagree with you is when you say bullying and how you react to it is a state of mind. The only way to eradicate bullying is to have a zero tolerance attitude. Sure you can try and change how the victim deals with it but that's just moving the problem on to someone else. Acceptance of bullying normalises the problem.

Nathan1989 · 31-35, M

@Mikemcneil [i] Acceptance of bullying normalises the problem.[/i]

I couldn't agree more. Unfortunately, "zero tolerance" has failed to eradicate bullying. I believe self-empowerment is part of the answer, that's all.

It takes more effort, though.

Mikemcneil · 61-69, M

Not all kids have the capacity or ability to respond to bullying by way of intelligence or attitude though. I just think it's expecting a little too much from the ones who find themselves on the end of bullying. The change really has to come either from the bully or the parents of the bully. From a sociological point of view the parents are the prime cause anyway.

Nathan1989 · 31-35, M

There will always be natural victims. I don't have an answer to that.

But they are the minority, and we have to protect them in a different way from the majority of kids. I maintain that putting "normal" kids (whatever that may mean) into a "victim" mind-set is verging on abuse.

Your last point is, of course, pertinent. Teachers with a zero-tolerance policy are armed only with Band-Aids.