I Have Anxiety

My anxiety has been really bad lately , it’s pretty much to the point of not wanting to even go outside anymore , I feel like I’m trapped in this place called home or is it hell sometimes I’m not sure. Either way I know it’s not right to feel this way but sometimes I can’t help it or can I , when this feeling overpowers me I get the shakes and my mind wonders then the depression sets in and then the tears start to fall , will I ever get any better or is this the way the rest of my life will be , this crazy feeling that comes and goes , off and on like a motion sensor light , who knows when next it will strike , I sit here and hope for the best and some days aren’t so bad but the thought of another attack dwells in unwanted anticipation will it ambush me again or will I see it coming , I never really know ,all I know is that this enemy of mine is out there waiting to strike like a sniper taking aim waiting for the perfect shot, will the shot strike true or will it just graze the surface. Sometimes when I take my anxiety meds it helps alleviate the pain but if it strikes at full force sometimes it not enough but I don’t want to double up on my meds and become addicted , it’s a double edged sword sometimes sometimes I wonder if I should take it at all. I also battle with another enemy called depression and a med for that when I take the med to fight it it just makes me very tired, exhausted really mentally and physically , I’m not normally one to take meds at all but after spending 5 days in a hospital behavioral health center after having a nervous breakdown I opted in sometimes they help but it seems more like a battle to stay true to the meds or do I stop taking them and just deal with this enemy on his own turf , when will my life get better , when I find a job maybe or a women who will be there for me when I need her the most or will she leave this broken shell of a man desperate for attention and affection.

I feel like I’m all alone in this fight to find the real me within is he really in there will I ever discover him again, will my family ever understand the way I feel , what I’m going through do they even see this enemy I battle with everyday , no they don’t , it’s my personal demons taking form and expressing themselves as my worst thoughts and fears in disguise to everyone else as the happy go lucky guy I used to be and want to be again but it’s hard to find him amidst all the tangled briars of my thoughts , can I tell them would they listen and or understand well I’ve tried and my father just says to stop being depressed and do what you gotta do like find a job , unfortunetly it’s not as easy as hitting a light switch and shutting it off. I’m trying to come to terms with these demons the best way I know how and it feels like I’m losing the war no one really understands , I get it I guess unless your going through a similar situation it’s hard to see what is going on looking from the outside in. Some of the things I’ve done in the past haunt me like a ghost , can I make amends for these actions would it make things better would it help me to feel better, I want to at least try, what should I do these are just some of the things that go through my mind on a pretty much constant basis. Am I crazy or sane I’m not sure I’d like to think I still have my sanity or at least a shred of it.