I'm still struggling with confidence blows from my adolescence in my 30s. 😭

I'm about to turn 31, and I'm still struggling with confidence issues that originated 15+ years ago. I will feel like I'm getting better, then something will shake my confidence again. I'm so scared that this is what it's always going to be like, and that I'll never feel truly confident again. I've even kind of developed a fear of being too invested in things and putting in too much effort, because I expect to fail. My lack of confidence has affected my career and how far I can go with it. I almost feel a wall preventing me from accessing my drive and motivation, like I'm scared to put in too much effort.

I won't be going to therapy for this either, as being put in therapy as a teen honestly caused a lot of my confidence issues in the first place, and also resulted in me being over-sedated by SSRIs and chronically exhausted. I don't trust the mental health system at all anymore. That and the educational system really undermined my confidence and self trust, along with the fact that I was bullied. I'm not trying to create a sob story or be a victim, but I just wish a lot of this shit wouldn't have happened.

Just a vent, I guess.