Bitter at the world. Keep scrolling.

I will be 44 soon. And a friend last night had to remind me that I am going to be 50 years old soon (in 6 years!), and have nothing to show, even though I have so much schooling under my belt. The theme of the conversation: Get a job already! Just get something that can make you a little money while you look for the thing you REALLY want. I've been there, done that. I am fortunate to have a significant other who is patient with me and doesn't need me to stay afloat because he has an amazing job that pays him well. I hate feeling like I'm relying on him, but he did tell me that he would rather I be happy than miserable. However, last night, he did not defend me. He basically told me I need to apply to places in the field(s) I studied, which I understand. I am very picky, and have applied to places that I feel comfortable applying to. I'm not even going to explain my reasons or my process for looking for jobs, because it's too much to explain.

What I will say, is that I am looking for something worth my time, that appreciates me. No more customer service jobs, no more food service, no more sales or retail. To be honest, I just want to start my own business. Because the field I've been looking for will choose a person fresh out of college who has a better portfolio than I do (because my portfolio isn't very filled out since the last thing I went to school for was a certificate).

I could sit here and tell you my life story, going through all the steps I took to get through my multiple fields, but what's the point? The point is, I'm here now, with no clear path in front of me, and thousands upon thousands of dollars in student loan debt... debt that my mother has offered to pay an attorney for so we can get them fully forgiven since I haven't been able to find a job. I have all this schooling and knowledge under my belt, and as my friend said, "nothing to show."

Of course, that made me feel like complete and utter crap, but hey, it was bound to come up. I feel like a failure now. And yes, I AM bitter at the world, because I have struggled all my life, and tried so so hard. And what has it gotten me? Nothing. All I ever wanted was to be happy. I wanted to enjoy what I do for a living. I didn't want to feel like a slave to the money, taking orders, asking if they want fries with that. I don't want that to be what I'm fated to do. I might as well lie down and wait for it all to be over at that point. In 6 years, I want to have a nice business going, where I feel accomplished and enjoy what I do. Even if it doesn't make me rich. That's not what I'm going for. All I want is to be able to feel independent and stay afloat on my own, not having to rely on my significant other.