Struggling to understand the full mechanics of forgiving people: would like outside opinions.

Not actively angry anymore...Check!
I understand their childhood, their upbringing, and I understand WHY they were the way they were...Check!
If that person were alive today, I would hug them...Check.
WHILE that person was alive I bent over backwards to take awesome care of her...Check!

But I am still struggling to forget. I don't forget all the things she did, and I tell stories about what she did.

Does that mean that on some level, I don't forgive her?

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ABCDEF7 · M

If forgiving/forgetting is not beneficial for either you, them or anyone in this world, don't forgive/forget.

When you think you have forgiven someone but not able to forget. Is that you have not completely forgiven them? The answer is yes, in a way. It should lose its important for you when you have truly forgiven, and that helps you release the easily recallable space in your memory. You may have moved forward from it, but you are carrying it with you in your memory. Forgiveness is not for them, it's for you to stop carrying the burden of those experiences along with you in your life ahead. If you recall that experience and tell others about it, even if you don't experience that pain again, you are at least wasting the time of your life that you could have enjoyed in some other way.

Feelings the guilt and repentance is for the person who did the wrong, forgiving and forgetting is for the victim, and punishment is for the society.

4meAndyou · F

@ABCDEF7 These are the elements that concern me. If I don't forget, am I truly forgiving?

Thank you for your perspective...you address the things that truly bother me without giving me an easy out. I like that about you.

ABCDEF7 · M

@4meAndyou Yes, you can have forgiven them truly(from their perspective), but not for yourself. When you still have it in your memory and in your heart, how can you have? The best way is to focus on present.

4meAndyou · F

@ABCDEF7 Put it all out of my mind, in other words, and think about other things.