Struggling to understand the full mechanics of forgiving people: would like outside opinions.

@IanAll It's ongoing, which is different. Yes, you should definitely be wary of him. I could not have forgiven my mother while she was still alive and DOING all of these things.

I DID struggle to understand WHY she was the way she was. I also struggled to understand WHY the ex was the way he was...in both cases, going back to what I knew of their childhoods.

Understanding the reasons for their twisted behaviors is, in my opinion, the first step to forgiveness. Someone once said, "To understand all is to forgive all."

That doesn't mean that your brother will stop. It didn't mean that my mother or the ex ever stopped. It's just a way for YOU to cope with it.

In your brother's case, perhaps distance is a good approach.

@4meAndyou what is your definition of forgiveness? We can’t forget what people have done and it will always affect the way we think of them no matter how hard we try.

@IanAll My definition? NOT being actively angry anymore. And sometimes someone has to die or be shut out of your life entirely before you can stop being angry with them...because THEY never stop.

Also...THINK about their childhood...and all of the things that caused your brother to behave in the way that he does. Gaining understanding helps us to forgive.

Ask yourself...if your brother were dying, or in very, very serious trouble...would you help him? If you would, then you still love him despite all that he has done. If he were dying, would you help to take care of him?

If your brother disappeared for 10 years, and suddenly reappeared...would you hug him?

I guess all of the above is my definition of forgiveness.

@4meAndyou I still love my brother and hug him when I see him, he came round for Sunday lunch a couple of weeks ago. I love him but don’t or him even though we have a laugh when we see each other. I understand he only cares about his wants and will steal, lie and whatever else to obtain that no matter what the cost or damage to other people. Because I understand him I accept (not forgive) him for what he is, the shit he’s put my mum and dad through doesn’t deserve to be forgiven, sorry if that’s a bit heavy and changed the subject to me but I guess acceptance is as far as I can go for most people.

@IanAll He has NOT killed the love you feel, therefore there is still hope that you might be able to forgive him for the things he has done to your Mum and Dad. You might feel that he doesn't deserve your forgiveness...but I think your Mum and Dad have probably already forgiven him for most of it...because they love him to a greater and deeper degree than you could possibly know.

And someday, you will find that you forgive him, too. Maybe not for another 10 or 20 years...but you will get there.

@4meAndyou My dad told me, no matter what he does they’ll never turn their back on him, he’s their son and as I don’t have kids I’ll never understand it. Thank you for listening/reading 😊

@IanAll I KNEW that's how they felt. You will, too, someday. 😉

@4meAndyou he’s been to prison twice, second time for a couple of years and dad said he knows he’s not gonna change but …..

@IanAll If prison did not change him, then your Dad is right...he will probably not change unless and until something really drastic happens. But your brother changing isn't what is necessary here. He probably won't. What's important to your own ability to forgive him is the way you THINK about him.

@IanAll Yes. That's realistic. And you will get there, never fear!

@4meAndyou do you think people should be held accountable for their actions to Individuals not just if they break the law?

@IanAll I think the people who have been harmed by the actions of that individual should decide whether or not to hold them accountable.

When push comes to shove, it is not WE who are judge and jury of the actions of others, but God Himself who will judge and decide what their fate will be.

We might feel angry...and we might actually believe that there should be an accounting...but the only accounting you deserve is for that which was done directly to YOU...and the knowledge that God will dispose.

@4meAndyou I’m not religious but have thought about it a lot, can I ask what’s the main thing that’s makes you believe beyond any reasonable doubt that god exists? Sorry if I’m changing subject but it’s something that interests me.