I hide from people because in my personal life I am struggling.

I care for others and want to be a friend, but I stop myself. I'm depleted and anxious and stuck in survival mode. It's my job to fix this and I am working on it. I don't want to be this alone. I don't want to be afraid to get close to people. Unfortunately no matter what, I bother people by not being enough.

This is the first time in my life I've had boundaries. Inside my walls I'm figuring stuff out so one day I don't have to self isolate. I know I disappoint people, but I have disappointed myself much, far, WAY worse and deeply. I'm trying to make that right so I can be a functioning person again.

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Achelois · F

Me too, I’m so good at isolating myself, healing is dark and messy.

I don’t isolate myself like I did, I pushed everyone away, i needed to grieve 🥺 mostly who I was, what I had become.

Convivial · 26-30, F

@Achelois why... What changed?

Achelois · F

@Convivial

I healed past wounds, I sat in the pain, felt it all, like going over my life bit by bit, I wanted to understand who I was and why.
Childhood trauma, why I let people abuse me, why I would feel triggered at the slightest thing and unworthy of love.

I didn’t want it to control me anymore, I’m still learning but feel better, I still get triggered, I guess it takes a while to heal the nervous system when I’ve been used to being in survival mode.

All we want to feel is seen and heard, I guess I always felt invisible, my needs never met.

Convivial · 26-30, F

@Achelois that's a lot to heal... One thing I do know though is you either get back on the horse or stay on the ground... Hopefully you can look the horse in the eye and say, no way!

Achelois · F

@Convivial

Yeah it was and I spent maybe 2 years stuck in it, life’s better now, I’m glad I went through it all. 🥰✨

Convivial · 26-30, F

@Achelois sometimes there lessons in life we have to learn... Often painful and often necessary...pm me if you want to chat...

Achelois · F

@Convivial

Thank you, that’s kind of you 🥰✨I believe I was meant to go through it all. Life’s funny ways of making you see we are worthy, I had to be broken down to rebuild myself back up.

Convivial · 26-30, F

@Achelois I think that's often the way... There an old Zen parable about the monk who kept pouring tea into the cup even as it overflowed... The other monk called out to stop, can't you see it's already full?
To which the first monk replied so Is your mind, it needs to be emptied to accept new ideas...

Achelois · F

@Convivial

Love it 🥰 so true.

Convivial · 26-30, F

@Achelois it is, but also painful... The reality is your often throwing out a belief system you trusted... Not easy

Achelois · F

@Convivial

Oh everything has been thrown out the window, I see clearly now the truth.
🤗🤗🤗