If you experienced abuse....

Or had someone with mental illness in your family or life that affected you greatly..did you start to IDENTIFY with The entire experience?( Feel tainted, broken or inhuman? )As if you as an entity was bad, and inhuman? I've been trying to overcome this horrible identity but the abuse was constant and severe, for years. It remains in my subconscious, saying "You are always subpar , and now BECAUSE of this awful experience, you are unwhole, abnormal etc." I have PTSD as a result so I feel less than others. They can date and travel etc and I get super hyper vigilant about either. Two wonderful parts of life, feel unattainable.
Can anyone feel this as well?

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kodiac · 22-25, M

For me i lost the feeling of being even human ,i was an object ,a tool something to be used then thrown away. In foster care i was a paycheck and the parents never let me forget that, or a whipping boy to take out their anger on .especially if they had bio kids ,they wouldn't dream of hitting their bio kids ,but i was there to take the blame . With the priests i was the embodiment of their sin , something to be used for their guilty pleasures .On the streets i was a commodity, something to be sold and the price was my soul. I think abuse is like a seed thatgets planted in us and over time it grows all the bad thoughts come from this seed ,all the names they called us ,all the times they told us we were worthless became who we saw ourselves as . I'm trying to kill this demon seed . People say the past is gone the abuse is over ,but the abuse doesn't stop when it's physically over, the seed still grows .Sorry I'm rambling without any advice on how to cope .

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@kodiac I am so sorry you should never have had to endure those things. It really messes with your sense of self. Just like you said, that little seed of abuse or ridicule grows and grows. The past is always in me, in a hellish way. But I'm learning I must accept all parts of myself, and as a book I'm reading said, 'no matter what.' I liked that.. Bec we often don't accept ourselves, thinking we are tainted. But those actions were not OURS. I liked what One TED speaker said once..if you crumple and stomp on a 20 dollar bill, do you still want it? (And the audience said yes!) You still want it because you know it's VALUE did not change, despite it being crumpled. 🌷

kodiac · 22-25, M

@Coralmist Yes ,i like the one that says a broken crayon still colors as beautifully as one not broken.