I've been thinking

I feel alone a lot. I have friends and a girlfriend, but most of the time they're all busy with other things. Pretty much all of the friends I have are 'work friends' so I never see them outside of work - any time I've tried to do something with any of them outside of work, I usually get some variation of "I'm busy" and that's it. They don't seem all that interested, and a couple seem like they're actively trying to deflect me onto other people. Like, if you don't like me all that much then OK, I can understand that because there's not a lot worth liking about me as I don't have much of a personality beyond being nice/kind and Warhammer. If they don't want to spend time with me then I understand. But as it stands, they want to be friends without having to put in any work outside of seeing each other at work, and I feel stuck. It results in me thinking everyone hates me despite what they say because it feels like they're just doing it to be polite. And every time I mention this to anyone it's just "nobody hates you - we actually like you" and then it continues as it had before.

My girlfriend makes time for me when she can, as she's extremely busy with work and is upfront about that. I appreciate that and her a lot, and I have no doubts about her feelings for me even if talking can be sporadic. I do feel like I'm not good enough for her sometimes because I get so depressed so often which makes her feel bad and that causes me to feel bad/worse. I also feel like because I don't really have much of a social group, I rely on her too much which really isn't fair on her.


This is something I should probably use therapy for, but lack of access makes that extremely difficult so here I am. Sorry.