I do not apologize to anyone for expressing the depth of my sadness, anger, and pain here, nor will I remove my posts to make anyone feel more comfortable. All that time, and it was far too long, I was screaming out loud from the depths of a place so deep, I never before, knew could exist. But, I was true to myself and to my convictions... never divulging confidential information or slandering anyone in anger, even though I was asked to multiple times by multiple people. At first, it stemmed from a misplaced sense of loyalty but eventually evolved into what I did to feel good about myself. While I DO regret on so, so, so, many levels, what ushered me into that heart space, I DO NOT regret writing out loud to clear my head...my heart. I have not reached the final lap of my healing journey, but I continue to make progress. I have setbacks like everyone else, but I continue to get up, and I will, in the end, make it through. Some part of me always knew I would, even when my heart argued otherwise. I will always be alright - there is simply no other choice. Thank you to those who have been kind and have wished me well even though I couldn't have been easy to like or to even put up with. I'm sure you know who you are. Your kindnesses and encouragements were invaluable. I will forever be thankful for you. Thank you too, @Justmeraeagain for letting me borrow this meme. It sums it up perfectly.
After I share my darkness and the cloud lifts, I often wonder if someone here needed to read my words as much as I needed to write them. We all have so much heaviness sometimes that I think knowing we are not alone brings a comfort.
Everyone's journey is different. I think those who are first to criticize have problems they are not dealing with,as it's easier to give advice than to follow it.
You can post anything you like,some will be compassionate others may see it as an opportunity to dump their own stuff on you,which is unfair,as they are just as free to express themselves on a post of their own.
I choose to share some ,but there is a limit to what I share, that's my way of protecting myself.
@Justmeraeagain Most have been supportive and kind. Others are uncomfortable, I think.
I hope my writing gives people a chance to see they aren't alone in things they're going through and a place to say things they may not otherwise have a place to.
I take the good comments with the bad.
I am well protected these days. Moreso than when I thought I was years ago. I was naive and idealistic - believed in words and promises - in love. I've changed in many ways. I live quietly now. Expecting nothing and not being disappointed.
I think its necessary sometimes, to put onto words - the chaos swirling inside. Amd if we cant do it aloud, and rant and rave and shake our hands in anger.....then its writting. So we scream into the void, defining our angst and agony - releasing it in hurting phrases, sentences fill with anger and penned pain till it runs it course.
Its a release.....to avoid exploding... or imploding.
I think it scares some people Maybe it hits close for others A lot don't get it Some haven't been there to understand the inner crisis
If you hurt no one, blamed and named no one - then who is to judge you and your unaimed howl at life?🤷♀
At first, it stemmed from a misplaced sense of loyalty but eventually evolved into what I did to feel good about myself.
Therein lies the evidence of your healing within that quoted statement of your's.
In time, you will realize that it wasn't about a misplaced sense off loyalty at all, for that was only the catalyst that made you move in an uncertain direction.
What your healing was about, was you rising to the level of courage that it took to do whatever it took to make you feel authentically good about yourself.
The lesson therefore, was about putting yourself first at all times and how that lesson manifested itself into fruition was facilitated by the catalyst that sent you in that healing direction in the first place.
You can let the catalyst go now because it no longer serves it's intended purpose. You are finished with it now, because it's purpose is what brought the fruition of healing to you, which arrived into your reality by your own hand.
My comment, "What I did to feel good about myself", in the context of my statement, was to make sure to acted in such a manner I could face myself in the mirror everyday.
And yes, there was misplaced loyalty. It took a long while to come to terms with it. Through that, I came to realize the importance of being true to myself first, rather than to anyone else.
Healing is a journey I have not completed yet and I am far from finding the way back to who I used to be. Hopefully, I'll get there. One day.
