Is it ever acceptable to “ghost” someone?
Have you ever gotten so overwhelmed by texts, emails, direct messages on social media and chatter in Discord servers and group chats that you just … stopped responding?
When do you think it is OK to ignore texts and other forms of online communication? When do you think it is rude to do so?
Is it ever acceptable to “ghost” someone?
In the guest essay “Ignoring a Text Message or Email Isn’t Always Rude. Sometimes It’s Necessary,” Erica Dhawan explores the demands of nonstop digital communication:
It was a Tuesday night. In my apartment, I was doing three things at once — packing for a short business trip, trying to get dinner on the table for my family and taking turns with my husband to calm a crying baby. Behind me, one work Slack alert after another dinged from my laptop. I ignored them all. During dinner, a text popped up on my phone. “Where are u????” asked my colleague. I wanted to scream. Instead, I didn’t reply to the text. This wasn’t the first time I’d ignored a digital summons, and it wouldn’t be the last. I didn’t mean to be disrespectful or malicious — but at the same time I knew what I wanted my silence to communicate: This is not a priority for me right now. You are not my priority.
Ignoring messages is frowned upon in these always-on times. At its most egregious, dropping out of communication is condemned as “ghosting,” which, in the years since the term became widespread, has become a deadly sin of digital communications. It’s often used in dating and friendship contexts — and indeed, in research published in 2018, 21.7 percent of participants of one study admitted to ghosting a romantic partner, and almost one in three participants in another study said they had ghosted a friend. But as anyone working in a digital environment can attest, ghosting in work contexts is also rampant — among co-workers, during professional networking and in the hiring process, even among those trying to get a job. An Indeed survey published last year found that 46 percent of job seekers did not show up for a scheduled interview with a prospective employer, and 77 percent of job seekers said they had been ghosted by a prospective employer since the beginning of the pandemic. We can all agree that suddenly cutting off contact with a romantic partner or professional colleague, never to be heard from again, is rude and should happen much less than it currently does. But what about the other, less egregious ways we might blow off each other’s messages, especially at work? In these exhausting times, when so many are overburdened with family responsibilities, stress, grief and anxiety, perhaps we should let go of the outdated, demanding requirement to participate in ceaseless back-and-forth conversations.
Students, read the entire guest essay, then tell us:
Do you ever ignore text messages, emails or other forms of digital communication? Why or why not? If so, do you ever worry about being rude by not responding?
What factors do you take into account when deciding how quickly to respond to a message? Do certain people or topics elicit a prompt response? Why do you think that is?
Mr. Newport suggests that some people may find it harder to respond to messages when they are overburdened or stressed. Has this been your experience? Are there any other conditions in which you struggle to return messages? How quickly do you expect others to respond to your messages? How do you feel when someone else ignores a text from you?
Do you believe that “ghosting” is “a deadly sin of digital communications,” as Ms. Dhawan writes? Have you ever been ghosted, or ghosted someone else? Why do you think ghosting happens? Do you think our societal expectations for responding to digital messages are appropriate? Or do you agree with Ms. Dhawan that we should “let go of the outdated, demanding requirement to participate in ceaseless back-and-forth conversations”? Is it ever okay to ghost someone if you're picking up negative vibes, even if they haven't done anything to you personally? This is a sweeping statement, and in my mind applies to any kind of interpersonal relationship: familial, romantic, friendly. I want to clarify a few common counterpoints.
Do you think it's ever acceptable to "ghost" someone?
By ghosting I mean stopping all comunication without giving said person an explanation nor closure.
I've been casually talking to two different women online (both on different apps). I'm really hitting it off with one of them (we share a lot of interests and get along great). Me and the other woman get along well but we don't share any interests at all. We had only been talking for a couple days when I tried to gently break things off because of how much I like the first person. But she got emotional and kind of needy and it made me feel bad about it. She's already talking about how she wants to spend forever with me and it's making kind of uncomfortable and she wants me to delete my Instagram (which is where I'm talking to the girl I really like). I'd feel awful about ghosting her but we've only been talking for a couple days and she's kinda setting off some of my flags.
I guess that when it's a safety measure (because of an eventual backlash or something) it's justified but, in less extreme situations, what do you think of it? Seems pretty cowardly to me but sometimes there are battles that aren't meant to be taken on.
This viewpoint does not apply in relationships that were abusive. I define "ghosting" as suddenly ceasing all communication without sufficient prior warning or explanation. Sufficient depends on the quality, duration, and commitment of the given relationship. I'm adding the clarifying term of "dangerous or blatantly one-sided and toxic relationships." This includes relationships where one person has shown strong indicators that they could be violent, are pushing drugs or other unhealthy behaviors, or might otherwise endanger the person doing the ghosting should they choose to allow any kind of communication. This basically falls under "abusive" in my mind, but is technically different. In the vast majority of "breakups" between friends or partners, there isn't usually a "bad" person and a "good" person. Framing things in this way usually only serves to mitigate the pain of having to separate from the other person, and justifies cruel behavior. I've heard many peers and friends say things like "just ghost him" or "just stop talking to her" or, most infuriating, "he's just toxic and you need to get him out of your life" referring to a person who is just behaving in a perfectly normal way, simply not adhering to that specific person's wants or expectations. Even if someone has cheated or done some comparably "unforgivable" act, there is still an obligation to do right by your partner even if you've been hurt. Now, there may be some argument about what "sufficient" means. In my mind, it is almost NEVER appropriate to simply say "I don't want to talk to you anymore" and then never do it again. Unless you've only met this person once or twice, you owe them the decency to explain what's going on. Being ghosted like that can severely impact your mental health and self-image, even with people that you were only casually friends with. With romantic partners, having a coffee to tie things up, sending a few emails back and forth explaining what went wrong, or meeting a few weeks later to have a post-mortem are basic things that I would expect a significant other to be able to do under normal circumstances. Basically, I feel that people have an obligation to one another to treat their personal relationships with value and delicacy, and there are very few situations where simply disappearing from someone's life is fair to them. You can ghost someone if they disrespect your boundaries or make you feel unsafe.
I’m sick of the blanket statements I’m seeing being thrown around in regards to people who ghost. Yes, of course, ghosting someone just because you don’t feel a spark is wrong. But there are many reasons to ghost a person that don’t make you eMotiOnaLLy iMMaTurE. I’ve ghosted two people in my life. One of them coerced me into sex I didn’t want to have; and the other seemed highly mentally unstable, and talked endlessly on our first date about his physically abusive relationship with his ex (how he was impressed that she could take a punch and “hit back like a man”) and his firearm collection. I fail to see how ghosting both of these people was “emotionally immature”. I wasn’t going to post about this, though it’s been on my mind for a while, until a while ago when my best friend told me she sent a text to a guy who physically threatened her and tried to “let him down easy”. He showed up to her apartment, stole all her lawn furniture (???) and threw a flower pot through her glass sliding door. Incredulous, I asked why she thought she owed this person an explanation. She replied “well if I ghosted, it would’ve made me the abusive one.” What? She had only known the guy for three weeks! And he had rushed her / screamed in her face and held his fist up at her. It might help if you let them know why you've taken the steps to ignore their messages. Why they'll spend hours scrutinising why they're not good enough to be your friend when you call up people they hang around with. Why you cold-shoulder people and blame others for their mistakes. I get the point of ghosting is to cut all contact, but it was unjustified. I've spent countless hours trying to keep in contact with people, calling and texting them if I feel as though they're going through a rough patch. And if they need time alone, I get it. Socialising all the time drains you and that's normal. But to just blankly refuse to acknowledge that a person exists? Your absence screaming "I'm angry with you but you have to figure out what's wrong" is rude and childish. You could have spoken to me about it like an adult, and you mock me without a word. Yes, I might be dramatic. You could just be busy, but it takes a minute to send a response doesn't it? It's better than being ignored. So I'm done trying. You do not get to say I didn't try to care for you, you threw it back in my face. You're just not worth the time spent worrying, thank you for showing me that. I'll move on, thank you for showing me your true colours. In your opinion when is it ok to just straight up ghost someone. I’m talking like unmatch on tinder and block off Snapchat and other social medias?
When is it okay to ghost someone?
I'm quite socially anxious. I fear confrontation. Whenever something I dislike happen, I normally leave the conversation instead of voicing out my discomfort. I get that it's sometimes disrespect to do that to close people but how about some tinder guy I talked for a few days? An acquaintance that tries to sell me insurance?
Sometimes I feel that I don't owe these people explanation or that an explanation would be unnecessary/too much and we are not close enough that my slience would ruin their day. Appreciate your input!
In my opinion the only time I’ve ghosted someone is when I’ve been catfished or the person just seems like a psychopathic. The psychopathic part is pretty obvious but I’ve gotten hate for ghosting a catfish. In my opinion if you catfish me I feel like I am being lied to and the person is instantly untrustworthy. With the use of very specific angles, filters, and old pictures it is easy to change your entire physics look. I don’t have a lot of experience with dating apps, or even dating in general, as I have only ever been in long term relationships since high school. Fast forward to the pandemic and the ensuing #covidbreakups and I find myself back on the dating (app) scene. It’s been going well in terms of matches and first dates but I haven’t felt strongly enough about anyone to ask them out again. In some cases, I’ve even kept the conversation going if my date initiated it the next day / week but just not asked them out again. So, here’s my question: am I being a dick by not broaching the subject of a second date? Or am I supposed to explain why I’m not keen on a second date? The latter almost seems cruel.. I’ve been ghosted couple of times before and I know how shitty it is..but lately I’ve been running into very similar people.Who are very pushy.Just want whatever they want to happen immediately,even if I ask for time or explain..they just ask the same questions over and over again until I would say yes I guess.
So first of all I hate the prospect of ghosting. I’ve been ghosted and it sucks. However I went on a coffee date with a guy last night and things got a bit out of hand. For context: The conversation was solid. It it was afterwards when he kissed me and then started grabbing my butt and smacking it and getting overly touchy that I got turned off. He was also trying several times to come over to his place which I declined. Do I send a farewell text saying that while the conversation was good, I didn’t like the grabbing and smacking at this stage, or in this case, would it be ok to ghost?
I’m not confrontational at all and not great at saying no.So it just sucks to say no or have to explain myself like ten times..it’s extremely draining,specially with my current mental health.I also get so nervous about saying something like “okay I’m done let’s never ever talk again”because I don’t want to be hurtful or anything..so really really don’t know what to do honestly... Is it okay to ghost?
At what stage do you owe someone a “I’m not into this” text?
I’ve been texting a guy from bumble for a few weeks and I’m just not feeling like it’s going anywhere. I want to stop talking to him, but I’m not sure what the best approach would be.
I’d honestly prefer to just be ghosted than have someone tell me just why they don’t like me, but I think I’m probably in the minority.
What’s the most acceptable way to end this?
When do you think it is OK to ignore texts and other forms of online communication? When do you think it is rude to do so?
Is it ever acceptable to “ghost” someone?
In the guest essay “Ignoring a Text Message or Email Isn’t Always Rude. Sometimes It’s Necessary,” Erica Dhawan explores the demands of nonstop digital communication:
It was a Tuesday night. In my apartment, I was doing three things at once — packing for a short business trip, trying to get dinner on the table for my family and taking turns with my husband to calm a crying baby. Behind me, one work Slack alert after another dinged from my laptop. I ignored them all. During dinner, a text popped up on my phone. “Where are u????” asked my colleague. I wanted to scream. Instead, I didn’t reply to the text. This wasn’t the first time I’d ignored a digital summons, and it wouldn’t be the last. I didn’t mean to be disrespectful or malicious — but at the same time I knew what I wanted my silence to communicate: This is not a priority for me right now. You are not my priority.
Ignoring messages is frowned upon in these always-on times. At its most egregious, dropping out of communication is condemned as “ghosting,” which, in the years since the term became widespread, has become a deadly sin of digital communications. It’s often used in dating and friendship contexts — and indeed, in research published in 2018, 21.7 percent of participants of one study admitted to ghosting a romantic partner, and almost one in three participants in another study said they had ghosted a friend. But as anyone working in a digital environment can attest, ghosting in work contexts is also rampant — among co-workers, during professional networking and in the hiring process, even among those trying to get a job. An Indeed survey published last year found that 46 percent of job seekers did not show up for a scheduled interview with a prospective employer, and 77 percent of job seekers said they had been ghosted by a prospective employer since the beginning of the pandemic. We can all agree that suddenly cutting off contact with a romantic partner or professional colleague, never to be heard from again, is rude and should happen much less than it currently does. But what about the other, less egregious ways we might blow off each other’s messages, especially at work? In these exhausting times, when so many are overburdened with family responsibilities, stress, grief and anxiety, perhaps we should let go of the outdated, demanding requirement to participate in ceaseless back-and-forth conversations.
Students, read the entire guest essay, then tell us:
Do you ever ignore text messages, emails or other forms of digital communication? Why or why not? If so, do you ever worry about being rude by not responding?
What factors do you take into account when deciding how quickly to respond to a message? Do certain people or topics elicit a prompt response? Why do you think that is?
Mr. Newport suggests that some people may find it harder to respond to messages when they are overburdened or stressed. Has this been your experience? Are there any other conditions in which you struggle to return messages? How quickly do you expect others to respond to your messages? How do you feel when someone else ignores a text from you?
Do you believe that “ghosting” is “a deadly sin of digital communications,” as Ms. Dhawan writes? Have you ever been ghosted, or ghosted someone else? Why do you think ghosting happens? Do you think our societal expectations for responding to digital messages are appropriate? Or do you agree with Ms. Dhawan that we should “let go of the outdated, demanding requirement to participate in ceaseless back-and-forth conversations”? Is it ever okay to ghost someone if you're picking up negative vibes, even if they haven't done anything to you personally? This is a sweeping statement, and in my mind applies to any kind of interpersonal relationship: familial, romantic, friendly. I want to clarify a few common counterpoints.
Do you think it's ever acceptable to "ghost" someone?
By ghosting I mean stopping all comunication without giving said person an explanation nor closure.
I've been casually talking to two different women online (both on different apps). I'm really hitting it off with one of them (we share a lot of interests and get along great). Me and the other woman get along well but we don't share any interests at all. We had only been talking for a couple days when I tried to gently break things off because of how much I like the first person. But she got emotional and kind of needy and it made me feel bad about it. She's already talking about how she wants to spend forever with me and it's making kind of uncomfortable and she wants me to delete my Instagram (which is where I'm talking to the girl I really like). I'd feel awful about ghosting her but we've only been talking for a couple days and she's kinda setting off some of my flags.
I guess that when it's a safety measure (because of an eventual backlash or something) it's justified but, in less extreme situations, what do you think of it? Seems pretty cowardly to me but sometimes there are battles that aren't meant to be taken on.
This viewpoint does not apply in relationships that were abusive. I define "ghosting" as suddenly ceasing all communication without sufficient prior warning or explanation. Sufficient depends on the quality, duration, and commitment of the given relationship. I'm adding the clarifying term of "dangerous or blatantly one-sided and toxic relationships." This includes relationships where one person has shown strong indicators that they could be violent, are pushing drugs or other unhealthy behaviors, or might otherwise endanger the person doing the ghosting should they choose to allow any kind of communication. This basically falls under "abusive" in my mind, but is technically different. In the vast majority of "breakups" between friends or partners, there isn't usually a "bad" person and a "good" person. Framing things in this way usually only serves to mitigate the pain of having to separate from the other person, and justifies cruel behavior. I've heard many peers and friends say things like "just ghost him" or "just stop talking to her" or, most infuriating, "he's just toxic and you need to get him out of your life" referring to a person who is just behaving in a perfectly normal way, simply not adhering to that specific person's wants or expectations. Even if someone has cheated or done some comparably "unforgivable" act, there is still an obligation to do right by your partner even if you've been hurt. Now, there may be some argument about what "sufficient" means. In my mind, it is almost NEVER appropriate to simply say "I don't want to talk to you anymore" and then never do it again. Unless you've only met this person once or twice, you owe them the decency to explain what's going on. Being ghosted like that can severely impact your mental health and self-image, even with people that you were only casually friends with. With romantic partners, having a coffee to tie things up, sending a few emails back and forth explaining what went wrong, or meeting a few weeks later to have a post-mortem are basic things that I would expect a significant other to be able to do under normal circumstances. Basically, I feel that people have an obligation to one another to treat their personal relationships with value and delicacy, and there are very few situations where simply disappearing from someone's life is fair to them. You can ghost someone if they disrespect your boundaries or make you feel unsafe.
I’m sick of the blanket statements I’m seeing being thrown around in regards to people who ghost. Yes, of course, ghosting someone just because you don’t feel a spark is wrong. But there are many reasons to ghost a person that don’t make you eMotiOnaLLy iMMaTurE. I’ve ghosted two people in my life. One of them coerced me into sex I didn’t want to have; and the other seemed highly mentally unstable, and talked endlessly on our first date about his physically abusive relationship with his ex (how he was impressed that she could take a punch and “hit back like a man”) and his firearm collection. I fail to see how ghosting both of these people was “emotionally immature”. I wasn’t going to post about this, though it’s been on my mind for a while, until a while ago when my best friend told me she sent a text to a guy who physically threatened her and tried to “let him down easy”. He showed up to her apartment, stole all her lawn furniture (???) and threw a flower pot through her glass sliding door. Incredulous, I asked why she thought she owed this person an explanation. She replied “well if I ghosted, it would’ve made me the abusive one.” What? She had only known the guy for three weeks! And he had rushed her / screamed in her face and held his fist up at her. It might help if you let them know why you've taken the steps to ignore their messages. Why they'll spend hours scrutinising why they're not good enough to be your friend when you call up people they hang around with. Why you cold-shoulder people and blame others for their mistakes. I get the point of ghosting is to cut all contact, but it was unjustified. I've spent countless hours trying to keep in contact with people, calling and texting them if I feel as though they're going through a rough patch. And if they need time alone, I get it. Socialising all the time drains you and that's normal. But to just blankly refuse to acknowledge that a person exists? Your absence screaming "I'm angry with you but you have to figure out what's wrong" is rude and childish. You could have spoken to me about it like an adult, and you mock me without a word. Yes, I might be dramatic. You could just be busy, but it takes a minute to send a response doesn't it? It's better than being ignored. So I'm done trying. You do not get to say I didn't try to care for you, you threw it back in my face. You're just not worth the time spent worrying, thank you for showing me that. I'll move on, thank you for showing me your true colours. In your opinion when is it ok to just straight up ghost someone. I’m talking like unmatch on tinder and block off Snapchat and other social medias?
When is it okay to ghost someone?
I'm quite socially anxious. I fear confrontation. Whenever something I dislike happen, I normally leave the conversation instead of voicing out my discomfort. I get that it's sometimes disrespect to do that to close people but how about some tinder guy I talked for a few days? An acquaintance that tries to sell me insurance?
Sometimes I feel that I don't owe these people explanation or that an explanation would be unnecessary/too much and we are not close enough that my slience would ruin their day. Appreciate your input!
In my opinion the only time I’ve ghosted someone is when I’ve been catfished or the person just seems like a psychopathic. The psychopathic part is pretty obvious but I’ve gotten hate for ghosting a catfish. In my opinion if you catfish me I feel like I am being lied to and the person is instantly untrustworthy. With the use of very specific angles, filters, and old pictures it is easy to change your entire physics look. I don’t have a lot of experience with dating apps, or even dating in general, as I have only ever been in long term relationships since high school. Fast forward to the pandemic and the ensuing #covidbreakups and I find myself back on the dating (app) scene. It’s been going well in terms of matches and first dates but I haven’t felt strongly enough about anyone to ask them out again. In some cases, I’ve even kept the conversation going if my date initiated it the next day / week but just not asked them out again. So, here’s my question: am I being a dick by not broaching the subject of a second date? Or am I supposed to explain why I’m not keen on a second date? The latter almost seems cruel.. I’ve been ghosted couple of times before and I know how shitty it is..but lately I’ve been running into very similar people.Who are very pushy.Just want whatever they want to happen immediately,even if I ask for time or explain..they just ask the same questions over and over again until I would say yes I guess.
So first of all I hate the prospect of ghosting. I’ve been ghosted and it sucks. However I went on a coffee date with a guy last night and things got a bit out of hand. For context: The conversation was solid. It it was afterwards when he kissed me and then started grabbing my butt and smacking it and getting overly touchy that I got turned off. He was also trying several times to come over to his place which I declined. Do I send a farewell text saying that while the conversation was good, I didn’t like the grabbing and smacking at this stage, or in this case, would it be ok to ghost?
I’m not confrontational at all and not great at saying no.So it just sucks to say no or have to explain myself like ten times..it’s extremely draining,specially with my current mental health.I also get so nervous about saying something like “okay I’m done let’s never ever talk again”because I don’t want to be hurtful or anything..so really really don’t know what to do honestly... Is it okay to ghost?
At what stage do you owe someone a “I’m not into this” text?
I’ve been texting a guy from bumble for a few weeks and I’m just not feeling like it’s going anywhere. I want to stop talking to him, but I’m not sure what the best approach would be.
I’d honestly prefer to just be ghosted than have someone tell me just why they don’t like me, but I think I’m probably in the minority.
What’s the most acceptable way to end this?
