Why private messaging is so bad

I avoid it like the plague. I feel badly for decent people messaging me but they seem to be in the minority. It's not worth the effort.

Lots guys start off say hi or what’s up to me and I don’t think that is bad and then we eventuly getting into somthin more meaningfull after chat for a while

Im sure most people say this and then rarely live up to it, which almost makes it feel like a waste of time to say it again, but I can only speak for myself. I am one of those decent people that are seemingly a dying breed. It sounds like getting the chance to try and prove that though, is almost impossible.
Everyone has their reason for being on this site or any other similar, non mainstream sites and unless you have your full name or a link to your facebook page, then you shouldn't claim otherwise. Is that always a bad thing? Absolutely not. Having a little bit of anonymity gives (decent) people a rare opportunity to be even more honest about themselves, in ways they typically wouldn't or couldn't on their primary social media account.
I'll lead by example here and call myself out on this.... I am not a sexual person at all. Ive only ever been with one partner and can't even fathom the idea of there ever being a second. For whatever reason, the topic of sex has always made me uncomfortable. In "real life" (oitside of here) the only person who knows that about me is that one person who I previously mentioned. Somehow, no one has ever picked up on the fact that I never say anything sexual or derogatory about a female. The only things I ever say about a female or respond to someone asking me about my thoughts on any particular female, are that shes either "cute" or "pretty."
Now, the flip side to that is what brought me to a site like this in the first place. I have two PG rated things that "turn me on" for lack of a better term. They are silly and embarrassing, at least to me, and Id never dream of letting people in my "real life" find out about them. Funny thing though, I am the same way on this site, even though no one knows me. Every conversation Ive had on here, has been completely "normal" which should always be the expectation of anyone trying to get to know someone. To take a conversation in the direction of something specific and private, is a selfish move. I will admit that I did think on one occasion that it would be a good idea to message someone about my personal and private interests, for reasons I still cant really explain, other than I just assumed that they would be able to relate, but it didnt go over well. That mistake still bothers me to this day.

My overall point has probably been lost in all these ramblings, but I do hope that there can be a couple takeaways from them.
Selfishly, I hope it somehow helps prove my character, and gets anyone looking to try and become friends, to know that Im a genuine and decent person.

I also hope it helps those who feel its a good idea to message someone in inappropriately, and keeps them from doing so.

Lastly, I hope it sheds light on the fact that everyone has a motive for being here and none of us are really better than anyone else. It just boils down to whos mature enough to have a conversation in hopes of meeting a new friend here and who's a selfish child that thinks its ok to act inappropriately.


I know I went a bit overboard on this reply and may have lost sight of the original point, but I also get frustrated with trying to meet new people here.

I'm not entertaining people here in the private messages.
The people I've known for years here and on other sites don't require it.
We can message once a month or once a year,we are still good.
We interact a lot on the forums.
Which is good for me, because I'm not able to spend hours on here making mini conversations with several different people.
I rarely add anyone new to the circle, because people demand you be what they want you to be for them.

im getting the sense here you are looking to be entertained rather than genuinely asking somebody about whats up with them. it is a 2 way street. i apologize on behalf of everybody out there who is boring to you. i can only speak for myself but the polite way to start a conversation is hi how are you doing what are you up to. most of us dont really give a crap what you are up to but its simply how you get a conversation started. you get out of it what you put into it

You’re absolutely right. The very few people I talk to are continued conversations over days/weeks. There’s usually a time zone difference for me and I assume many others so it can’t be treated like in instant chat unless two people are always online, which would rarely be the case. And these people expect instant responses and feel entitled to replies even if they’re as bland as most of the others.

I very rarely message anyone anymore, when I do I mention posts we’ve interacted on or posts on their profile that I find interesting or something in their about me. But as someone who likes to chat online occasionally it’s annoying that the majority ruin it for the minority who just enjoy talking and learning about others.

I’ve had people interact with post after post of mine and I question wether it’s even worth messaging because some people only use this place as a public forum and not for private chat, maybe they should introduce an option to completely decline receiving dms for this reason.

Initial PMs are akin to speed dating, you have to create interest almost immediately and try and rise above the crowd in order to be noticed (bearing in mind the woman you're messaging is likely dealing with quite a few PMs from multiple people). It helps to take a look at her previous posts or interactions in order to gauge her interests or get an idea of her outlook, just to see if you have anything in common. However, that can almost feel creepy, a vague form of stalking, so it's a fine balance. If I see a profile shot I like and the individual seems interesting to me, I'd definitely try to find out more about her on here, in order to formulate a decent introduction that's preferable to the usual intros you describe in your post. Having said that, I've learned to use reverse Google searches to see if the profile photo is a catfish, as that seems to be pretty widespread on SW too.... 😊

Some people are truly disrespectful in pms as well sending porn so I don't know.... I ignore most times but I like to give some a chance because hell there's bound to be someone at least decent.

Also I had someone else coming into my pms and forcing Christianity on me. I block & avoid those types of people

I rarely pm anyone and only respond to those I have interacted on posts for quite a long time . If I don't interact with you I won't bother

You are not the first person to say, "If you are contacting me, PLEASE have something to say!" (often in their message intro).

It's not just the DM's. It's in all our social interactions now. It's one of the consequences of overwhelming online contents. Everybody wants to be entertained. Unconsciously we expect our friends and acquaintances to produce something juicy/interesting, not the other way around. We get bored easily if they aren't coming up with something worth our attention. If they aren't putting effort, we always have our endless rolls of short videos on Instagram, X, Facebook etc.

SW is just like any population. You are going to hit it off with some and not so much with others. If our paths cross and you don't want to talk to me just say so or press the reject button. I'll get over it.

Some people on here really don’t know how to be interesting lol!
I’ve met some cool, funny and interesting people though.

Thanks for the advice, I’ll see if it works sometime.

Fair points.

So, how are you?

😁

Avoiding dm is not brave

Well said.

Hi how are you?