Nina's Blog - Friday 23rd August 2024

@22Michelle My experience so far is that I'm hammering on doors that are already open. Every time I take a step I discover that no one cares, or if they do that they are kind enough to keep it to themselves, of that they actively approve.

As usual the problems are internal; I just can't rid myself of the thought that one day some one important to me will stand up and say something like: "Enough's enough, you've got to stop this nonsense now!".

But I can't stop. What I thought was a harmless diversion in boring hotel rooms after intense days in workshops has turned out to be a long, slow, process of revealing myself to myself. I don't worry that I don't pass, but I did feel good yesterday when when I was addressed as madame. I'm quite confident that a second look would have revealed that I don't match the gender but it felt good nonetheless.

But what feels even better is that at every minute step out of the closet I feel a corresponding, and correspondingly minute, reduction in stress

But perversely I have now begun to feel mildly irritated that people don't remark on my presentation. Well a few people do but they are mostly not people close to me, just people passing in the street like the statuesque black girl in the centre of Swindon last year who shouted compliments to me from about five metres away.

@ninalanyon l
Life without drama when you are expecting, and wanting, drama. You're out, it's a massive decision for you, and you want it to be massive for anyone else. So its really annoying that others don't seem to care. I recognise how you're feeling, and it's how it's been for me on the few friends I've come out to. They should be shocked, appalled, even disgusted. I should have to defend myself. Acceptance via a shrug of the shoulders seems just far too low key.

@oldundieslover Oh Ronnie! You do make me smile.
Love,
Nina xx

@ninalanyon You do know how much I love you xx

@oldundieslover Oh Ronnie, it's going to be such a long time. :-(

@turbineman40 I am much too inarticulate to bring up the subject. And also a firm believer in the maxim that one should avoid asking questions if the possible answers might be unacceptable!

Not that I have any reason to believe that they would be anything other than positive. I'm just very averse to confrontation and disagreement of any kind.

@OlderSometimesWiser Going well so far. My friend cooked dinner yesterday and is cooking again this evening. Been out for a pleasant walk with hime and their big soppy well behaved dog. The wedding present I gave them was well received. The weather is changeable but warm and the house is very comfortable.