I Am Lonely
I have always felt disconnected from other people. I love my family dearly and they were always very good to me; but I always feel inadequate when I'm around them or feeling like they are judging me.
If I really dissect the emotions and expectations, it is a compliment. They are disappointed in me because I'm not living a life that is envied by 99.9% of people on the planet. They think I'm really amazing and so they expect me to have a really amazing life.
I have learned quite a few things about life over the past 5 years or so. I have been a bit of a hermit during these years and I have done an incredible amount of soul-searching, philosophizing, working on myself, achieving recovery from opiate addiction, and many more - mostly solitary- activities.
I grew up selling lots of drugs and I used drug sales and use as my "common ground" with other people. I didn't use it to directly manipulate people; as in, "Hey, I'll give you these drugs if you kiss me." Instead it was more like, "Hey I'll give you this stuff and let's hang out!" The time hanging out would be my way to "get to know" girls and let them know I find them attractive.
I never learned how to do it without that common ground. I can work at the same place (now I work for myself so that doesn't help at all) and get to know someone - but it takes TIME and I cannot get that TIME right now. I feel it's just wrong to see an attractive girl and offer her some combined activity; based solely on her physical characteristics. What kind of guy will she think I am?
This works fine and well for one-night-stands; but I cannot do it with a girl that I am seriously interested in dating.
Beyond that - I just don't connect with anyone anymore. I'm lonely and people are always awkward with me (and me with them) until we get to know each other a bit.
I think too much, and I'm rather quick-witted - the result is that I OVER-think many situations, if not all. I also am not an ugly dude - I'm in good shape and I look pretty good; but I think if anything it just keeps me secluded. Girls will smile, but then look away - or they will tug their shirt down, clasp their hands in front of them, look down or at their phone; whenever they come into "contact" with me.
It's really hard because I have to "get their attention" and I can't ever just be easy with it. It's like an event. I also can't be really nice without other issues cropping up. For example, at the clinic I go to most of the people are poor. I feel very badly for the young children because they don't get toys and things like that. There was (and is) this little boy that was VERY upbeat when he saw me (I ride a motorcycle and he thinks it's exciting) and I play this game called Kendama (it's a wooden ball with a cup and spike - just a hand-eye-coordination game) and he was so excited to hear about it and watch me play. I was a little embarrassed when he came in a sequential time and like EXPLODED with excitement when he saw me.
I felt this little boy deserved a Kendama and I left one at the main desk for him to get the next time they came in. The mom (of course) thought this was me hitting on her, and so she took specific efforts to connect with me and we texted back and forth a bit. I finally had to explain to her that I don't date, but I really do like her little boy and I want him to be happy. I felt guilty because I could tell she really wanted to date me. She even admitted as much in the texts - saying that it was indeed her hopes.
I told her that I am very flattered, but that I'm still broken and that's why I'm not interested. I probably still am, so it's likely only a partial fib.
I go to museums and I have checked out online - but I cannot find any girls that are "my type."
I'm sorry about sounding narcissistic but I think I'm pretty special. I'm empathetic, genuinely caring, capable, witty, very handy, and kind of exciting... I think I deserve a girl that commands attention in the room she is in. I just don't know how to connect with one anymore. I don't go to bars because I can only create a 1 night stand there. I don't want to just get laid - I could do that if I really wanted to do so - I don't want to hurt feelings and I really want a meaningful and lasting relationship...
I worry that it's just not in the cards for me. What will I do when I'm old? I hope I don't end up some old lonely man that is kind of forced into committing suicide at some point.
I feel like I have abilities with diplomacy, rapid understanding of people and their view's, empathy, science and medicine, and recovery from drug abuse - both the physical and the mental attributes. I am unable to work in that area of culture though because of HUGE student loan debt. With penalties and stuff it's probably going to end up being a half million before I even start paying. They tricked me good. That degree isn't worth the paper it was printed on.
If I really dissect the emotions and expectations, it is a compliment. They are disappointed in me because I'm not living a life that is envied by 99.9% of people on the planet. They think I'm really amazing and so they expect me to have a really amazing life.
I have learned quite a few things about life over the past 5 years or so. I have been a bit of a hermit during these years and I have done an incredible amount of soul-searching, philosophizing, working on myself, achieving recovery from opiate addiction, and many more - mostly solitary- activities.
I grew up selling lots of drugs and I used drug sales and use as my "common ground" with other people. I didn't use it to directly manipulate people; as in, "Hey, I'll give you these drugs if you kiss me." Instead it was more like, "Hey I'll give you this stuff and let's hang out!" The time hanging out would be my way to "get to know" girls and let them know I find them attractive.
I never learned how to do it without that common ground. I can work at the same place (now I work for myself so that doesn't help at all) and get to know someone - but it takes TIME and I cannot get that TIME right now. I feel it's just wrong to see an attractive girl and offer her some combined activity; based solely on her physical characteristics. What kind of guy will she think I am?
This works fine and well for one-night-stands; but I cannot do it with a girl that I am seriously interested in dating.
Beyond that - I just don't connect with anyone anymore. I'm lonely and people are always awkward with me (and me with them) until we get to know each other a bit.
I think too much, and I'm rather quick-witted - the result is that I OVER-think many situations, if not all. I also am not an ugly dude - I'm in good shape and I look pretty good; but I think if anything it just keeps me secluded. Girls will smile, but then look away - or they will tug their shirt down, clasp their hands in front of them, look down or at their phone; whenever they come into "contact" with me.
It's really hard because I have to "get their attention" and I can't ever just be easy with it. It's like an event. I also can't be really nice without other issues cropping up. For example, at the clinic I go to most of the people are poor. I feel very badly for the young children because they don't get toys and things like that. There was (and is) this little boy that was VERY upbeat when he saw me (I ride a motorcycle and he thinks it's exciting) and I play this game called Kendama (it's a wooden ball with a cup and spike - just a hand-eye-coordination game) and he was so excited to hear about it and watch me play. I was a little embarrassed when he came in a sequential time and like EXPLODED with excitement when he saw me.
I felt this little boy deserved a Kendama and I left one at the main desk for him to get the next time they came in. The mom (of course) thought this was me hitting on her, and so she took specific efforts to connect with me and we texted back and forth a bit. I finally had to explain to her that I don't date, but I really do like her little boy and I want him to be happy. I felt guilty because I could tell she really wanted to date me. She even admitted as much in the texts - saying that it was indeed her hopes.
I told her that I am very flattered, but that I'm still broken and that's why I'm not interested. I probably still am, so it's likely only a partial fib.
I go to museums and I have checked out online - but I cannot find any girls that are "my type."
I'm sorry about sounding narcissistic but I think I'm pretty special. I'm empathetic, genuinely caring, capable, witty, very handy, and kind of exciting... I think I deserve a girl that commands attention in the room she is in. I just don't know how to connect with one anymore. I don't go to bars because I can only create a 1 night stand there. I don't want to just get laid - I could do that if I really wanted to do so - I don't want to hurt feelings and I really want a meaningful and lasting relationship...
I worry that it's just not in the cards for me. What will I do when I'm old? I hope I don't end up some old lonely man that is kind of forced into committing suicide at some point.
I feel like I have abilities with diplomacy, rapid understanding of people and their view's, empathy, science and medicine, and recovery from drug abuse - both the physical and the mental attributes. I am unable to work in that area of culture though because of HUGE student loan debt. With penalties and stuff it's probably going to end up being a half million before I even start paying. They tricked me good. That degree isn't worth the paper it was printed on.
