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Thinking about the violence & shit from my past..

I never felt like an evil person & I had a lot of love in my heart but that anger I carried stemmed from many things. Perhaps mostly the abuse I dealt with as a child. Even my outside family never knew what was happening at home & most of them still really don't. It's just not talked about.

I wouldn't hurt people who didn't deserve it & I wouldn't pick fights with people who didn't want to fight. But once I would get to that point of fighting I'd black out & only remember a few things. I'd get tunnel vision & only see my target. I saw nothing else.

I used to write about some of those incidents on my old SW account back in the early days here. Some people cared & talked, others insulted me for "glorifying violence" but I didn't speak on it to glorify it. I speak about my life here because I understand that I lived a very different life from most of you & I want to bring you into my world a bit. Judge me if you want, I just want to be understood.

I'll say that there was one incident when I had reconnected with my mom back when I was 18. My mom had her daughter in-law living with her who had a boyfriend & a son. My mom called for the boyfriend & he responded by yelling "what!?". Which was okay. What set me off was a bit later he raised his voice a lot louder & yelled "I F*CKING SAID WHAT!" Which sounded way too aggressive to me. I just didn't like the energy I felt from his voice at all & I felt like he disrespected my mom.
I burst into the room he was in & started yelling at him as if I were an angry father.
I don't even remember everything I was saying but I remember starting with "Who tf do you think you're talking to!? You watch your f*cking mouth & if you hear my mother call you, you treat her with respect & go talk to her face to face.." & as I was going on he puffed his chest out, tilted his head up, & said "what's up then?" Which if you don't know, is a way of challenging someone to a fight.

I instantly shoved him so hard his back hit the wall. As soon as he hit the wall I grabbed him by his throat & started choking him against the wall with one hand while I punched him in the face with the other. I only hit him that one time then I heard his son start screaming the most horrified scream I've ever heard from a kid. I forgot his son was there because all I saw was my target. That snapped me out of it & I let go of the guys throat. I didn't even say anything & he didn't either. I just dropped it all, lost all that energy, I turned around, & walked right out of the house.

I lit up a joint & smoked just thinking about everything. I thought about how much I reminded myself of my dad at that moment. He used to do the same things to me before I started fighting back.
I would never hurt a child, not physically & not mentally. But I felt so terrible because I knew I hurt that child mentally & he might never forget seeing his dad attacked like that. Even if he might've deserved it.

I noticed most of all my fights in my life were caused by me standing up for someone else. If anyone disrespected somebody I loved I took it personally & I had to do something about it. So it's funny because I kinda wasn't like my dad.. but I was. I was angry & I wanted to hurt people but I targeted bullies & people who caused pain to others. While maybe justifiable in some ways, I do realize now that was all just an excuse to take out my anger.

I'm not sure what made me wanna talk about this.. I was just thinking about it. That wasn't my last incident. I've been in a couple altercations since then. I just often think about it & even though I don't typically feel bad for them because they deserved it, I feel bad because it still takes a toll on you. At times I have montages of violent memories flashing in my head, whether it's something my dad did to me or something I did to someone else. It all jumbles together like it's all the same. Whether I was right or wrong I only want to forgive & be forgiven. & I don't mean in religion.. just with everyone in general.

I'm not even an angry person deep down.. I'm so loving. But I had so much anger my whole life I used it as a weapon for the people I loved.
That still doesn't make it right though. The energy it brings is something I just didn't want anymore. Which is why you don't see me engage in anything negative.
The energy you surround yourself with is the energy that consumes you.

Just food for thought

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Dainbramadge · 56-60, M

This was a great read and also a great share.
We talk about this type of stuff all the time anyway so I can skip all of my disclaimers that I usually post. LOL
You touched on a few really good topics as well as some of these comments.
I never thought about the anger that I feel being directly from the way I was treated growing up. I always thought of myself as the White Knight. Swooping in to protect someone who didn't have that in them as well. It was a tool. A tool that I seem to look for reasons to use in that time in my life. The funny part about looking back is that other people would try to use that tool of mine as well.
You can call me chicken s*** if you like but my biggest problem with storing up all of that anger was that when it was finally released I wasn't interested in a fair fight. Someone had to be hurt. The way I saw it was someone earned my attention and they were going to get my undivided full attention.
It seemed like every altercation I was ever in held a possible charge resulting in 5 to 15 years in prison. I dodged some pretty screwed up bullets a few times.
The post that I wrote where I met you at was asking people if they thought that the tool was still in my box. It's kind of unsettling when you look back at the things you almost did much less the things that you actually did do.
When I was in anger Management it was a group thing. There were like 15 of us all in the same group for similar actions.
The coolest thing came from one of the guys in the group, not the counselor who I actually have a huge amount of respect for.
One night while I was sharing my thoughts to the group one of the guys told me " you're not the crime you committed".
Pretty simple thing to say but it really resonated with me at the time and it carried over for many years to follow.
The bad stuff, the scary stuff and the s*** that makes people lean back away from you when you are talking about it is not the only defining trait that you have. There is a lot more that makes you who you are.
I guess pretty much what I'm trying to say is don't beat yourself up over that past s***. People will continue to paint you with that brush for many many years but you know better. You know you have a good heart.
In case you are wondering, yes that tool will still be in your box.
But you either are or will just use it differently.
Also in my case and from what we have talked about before you don't have to worry about transferring those feelings to your own kids. I use my past as a blueprint for what not to do around or to my kids. I use my past to show my kids why that kind of thing is not healthy to do or think. So far it seems to be working.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Dainbramadge it's easy to let that anger get the better of you when it is finally released. I remember the first real fight I ever got in was in 5th grade & some kid pushed me. I reacted by grabbing him on the back of the neck, & slamming his face onto the ground from right there where we stood.
As I grew up I didn't want to hurt anyone but I wasn't afraid to either. & It's like I looked for it.
But that dude was right. We're not the crimes we commit.

I've told you before that I'm glad your kids have you 🤙 because you're able to teach them through respect & conversation instead of anger & fear. I would never want my kids afraid of me or angry with me.

Stark

The little boy in you is just using all the power he finally has to be able to fight back. 🥺 You were just triggered by that moment because of your past trauma. It not a reflection of who you are and I don’t think you’re like your father in anyway. I think it’s just your way of doing what you wished someone had done for you as a child. You better start giving yourself more credit, because you still get up and pull yourself out of this shit everyday and you don’t give yourself enough credit. It’s hard and you still show up, and you still do it, and you are amazing and should be so proud of the inner child you’re currently healing. ❤️‍🩹 🤗 you deserve the same love, care, and protection that you constantly give to everyone else.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Stark I think part of me just feels the need to protect people because I never had that. But I kinda beat myself up sometimes when I reflect. It's like part of me feels like I deserved what I got & I deserve to be the bad person. So I'm okay with being the bad guy.. but I've been trying to get away from that way of thinking.
Thank you though 🖤 you're such a healing person just on your own 🥺

Stark

@ChiefJustWalks You shouldnt beat yourself up over it. I would just noticed what set those triggers up and discover ways to self soothe and regulate your emotions when it happens. I see you doing it on here sometimes you can definitely do it offline too if you haven’t already done so. 🤗 ❤️ I believe in you.
It’s hard to feel as if you deserve better when you were made to feel as if you didn’t majority of your life. It takes years to undo and heal the damage that they caused so don’t be so hard on yourself when you slip or if it’s not happening over night. Be patient with yourself. Healing is not a linear process…there are days where you’ll feel like you’re reverting back or not moving forward, and it’s just all apart of the journey.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Stark yeah offline I tend to let myself get to me a little more than I typically show on here. I guess we all get like that sometimes. I've been doing better though & having you to talk to even helps too tbh. Even indirectly. Just knowing that someone cares does a lot really 😇

kodiac · 22-25, M

In a way it's like getting the rage out that builds when we get abused as a kid . I hated not being able to fight them . Defending others seems to be a common thing with abuse survivors, it's the only reason i testified in court so no more kids got hurt.

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Nutshell29 · 26-30, F

@kodiac me too 🤗

kodiac · 22-25, M

@Nutshell29 💙

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@kodiac I hope you continue to stand for people 🙏

RedBaron · M

Interesting read. My father was emotionally and physically abusive to my brother and me when we were kids. The physical abuse stopped when I was 16 and big enough to grab him and hold him in a bear hug the last time he raised his hand to me. But the emotional crap continued until he died when he was 87 and I was 56. I never was violent, but I had issues with anger and authority for a long time, and I did a lot of drugs to self-medicate.

My brother and I both came to resent our mother for not kicking him out and prioritizing staying with him over a safe, healthy, and positive environment for her children.

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RedBaron · M

@ChiefJustWalks It took me until about 50, but what helped me was verbalizing to myself that I forgave him, and also visualizing him as a ridiculous and tiny person, and laughing at him. He was in a wheelchair in his final years, and I developed a mental image of a tiny guy rolling around in a tiny wheelchair. I also reached a point that when I saw him and he started something, I just gave him the finger, and there was nothing he could do about it.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@RedBaron haha that's actually a little bit funny but I'm glad you got some sort of closing from that.

RedBaron · M

@ChiefJustWalks There's an old saying that laughter is the best medicine, and it certainly helped me.

DeluxedEdition · 26-30, F

I’m going to speak on this because I personally have went thorough this myself. Holding onto anger has to be one of the worst feelings

When I got out of my abusive relationship I was filled with all this pent up anger. But the anger wasn’t just from the relationship. I was angry about the unresolved issues of my childhood as well. I was angry at my step dad I was angry at my mom. I was angry at my grandmother and I was just flat out angry at the unfairness. The “why me” question floating around. “Why did god let all this bad stuff happen to me?” “Im a good person I didn’t deserve that.”

And here’s the part you have to understand (this is also what helped me get past everything)

That’s absolutely entirely true. You didn’t deserve that though. You were a victim of a situation and circumstance that was out of your control. You are a good person, your expectations do not invalidate that. Bad things happening to you do not invalidate that. Sometimes in life we “draw a bad card” we pull a draw four. Why me? If not you then who?

After understanding that like really understanding that childhood is basically your foundation for your self esteem. I had absolutely no foundation whatsoever because of the nature to which my step dad was abusing me. He would call me names, beat me, gaslight, manipulate etc. when you grow up in a household like that you have to be able to really view the situation for what it is

I also used to stick up for bullied kids. It was the only time I physically fought anyone. I believe I saw myself in those kids feeling helpless and victimized

When I really got rid of the anger I wrote down everything and I mean every single last thing that I was angry about. I even had to do hypnosis because I had actually repressed some of my memories

Then I would write down how I didn’t deserve any of those things and I am enough and I am worthy of happiness. Etc. i would write down that others actions do not invalidate me or my worth or self esteem. Those people did not abuse me because I am worthless they abused me because they are abusers. They are bad people and that’s what bad people do

I found myself in an abusive relationship because it’s what I associated with normality

I had to recognize that as well

You have every right to be angry. Feel your emotions but get them out because you can’t carry that with you for the rest of your life. Forgive them don’t carry that burden with you you deserve better you deserve happiness ♥️

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@DeluxedEdition I am sorry for what you went through & I agree. Whenever I see somebody angry or upset I try to assure them that they have every right to feel that way. It's okay to be hurt & to be mad about that pain. Mistakes only come into play if we handle that anger in the wrong way.

I know exactly what you mean. You're angry at the world when you blame the universe itself or just accept that you're not meant to be happy. I mean we all deserve happiness but when you never get that it's hard to feel that way. You feel like you deserve what you get & you become what the world thinks you are. It wears you out over time & I'm glad you were able to figure out many of the roots 🙏 you took back your worth for yourself.

I was going through songs I made years ago & these lyrics I wrote in one of them stood out to me before I wrote this post. It said

"Who do you believe in when nobody else.. is around, do you have enough faith in yourself?
I ask who do you believe in when you're broken inside because I don't tell anyone.. man I just hope I'm alright.
Be honest who do you believe in when you can't turn back? When your own decisions is what put you right where you're at.
& Shit, who do you believe in when the world's your enemy? But you can't fight anymore because you've lost the energy.."

& I wrote that song all about anger.. just questioning where we get our strength from & why

ExtremeNext · 31-35

It's so cool we have a real life gangster on a crappy site like this, are you sure you are real and not some 89yo nudist from Japan 🙄

InHeaven · F

He is most likely from NYC@ExtremeNext Detroit or Chicago or LA

ExtremeNext · 31-35

@InHeaven 🤷‍♀️

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@ExtremeNext @InHeaven nah I'm from Phoenix, Arizona lol. We don't get talked about much

SW-User

Hello Chief. I liked reading this post, it is very honest and open. Yes, you were violent, but in my opinion you had reason to be. Trauma from past days, and the desire to protect others from being bullied, definitely had a major role in your actions. But those actions, had a noble reason behind it.

I am not making excuses for what you did, but i am saying perhaps your protection was meant to be, at that time. Granted, you being semi blocked out in your mind during the violence is not something good, and could end badly, but at least you did not let that overpower you.

Let's move forward to the present time. I can see you realize your shortcomings and you are determined to change it, and be better overall. That struggle to be better, is the most noble struggle of all.
I am proud to have you as a friend here.
Brohugs 🤗💜

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@SW-User a lot of impactful things you said there, thank you man. I really am trying to keep my life calmer than it used to be. Even last year was insanely out of hand & I did some messed up things that I still have to face.. for example there's even a video out there of me shooting at a car who pulled up & shot at me. Only thing is I couldn't be identified with my hat on. So nothing came of it. But even in that instance I had to run because even though all I did was defend myself.. the law would not see it that way. Simply because of who I am & how I look.
Shit like that is why now I don't hang in the streets. I dont run around with my homies hanging out for no reason. I stay home, make my money, & mind my business.

SW-User

@ChiefJustWalks I am glad bro, really glad you're keeping your head down and trying your best. If at all things stir up in your mind again, and temptations come, I hope you will open up and talk to us here. I am always ready to talk, as i am sure others are too.
You are super cool.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@SW-User I'll do my best to talk to anyone here, so thanks for that 🙌 that's kinda why I'm glad to be back here because I get to open up again. I was on this site in the past then I left for 4 years.

When I left SW years ago, I was still very much in that life. I was still selling drugs, doing a lot of them, still around so many bad people all day every day. When I came back a few months ago, all of that seemed like so long ago & I did come a long way from that. But I also realize I'm still not perfect. I still have situations & things I need to pull myself away from & it's simply coincidental that it's happening at the same time as me being back now

Nutshell29 · 26-30, F

Don't I know it. I have a lot of trauma too. Mostly because my mom mentally abused me since I was 14. I got stories bout my trauma. Nothing compared to yours, but this kind of stuff sticks with you. It hurts to the bone. Lead me to some nasty guys in my life who would abuse me because I was so used to getting it and now I'm afraid to be with someone because I'm afraid it might trigger them or me. I couldn't even be with this one guy because he been through what you went through and I was so afraid because he raised his voice and even though he's saying I'm not trying to make it seem like I'm mad at you I even told him I don't think it's best I be with you because I'm scared I might trigger you so I'm sorry but we can't continue this relationship

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Nutshell29 · 26-30, F

@ChiefJustWalks I'm trying as hard as I can but it's like someone said in a song "trade my joy for my protection "

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Nutshell29 I just hope you find that protection naturally someday so you don't have to do that all on your own

Nutshell29 · 26-30, F

@ChiefJustWalks you and I both it's becoming to heavy

Ryannnnnn · 31-35, M

I could of gone that way at one point too. Was angry about my childhood and trauma, kid moving around all the time, I remember hitting someone in primary school and I blacked out and had to have a teacher drag me off and I started hitting them. I'd get rage when people would talk bad about my mother, dragged a guy by his head across an entire playing field there and back.

I was a nice kid but I had very real issues and I'm only just addressing a lot of it now when I'm nearly 30. It's just messed up because even at our age your childhood is still there until you confront it. You've probs got lots of emotional memory that's trapped and needs letting go, because from my experience it's just sat there all the time and wants out.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Ryannnnnn I still feel very angry when people talk about my mom so I understand that. Last year a guy was harassing my mom after he just got out of prison & when I saw him I went after him & beat the shit outta him. Broke one of my fingers again from that one.
I think we just struggle to get past the childhood we were used to. Especially when somebody wrongs us.. we tend to hurt them the same way somebody used to hurt us. But that's only hurting ourselves too. It keeps us from ever fully escaping that. We have to fight ourselves to get out

itsok · 31-35, F

Thank you for writing about this.
I also also react badly if I hear yelling or screaming, but in another way. I shut down. I also get the flashbacks. Sometimes visually and sometimes emotionally.
🤗

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@itsok I'm sorry. I know some people tend to shut down. We all have different defenses. I used to just shut down emotionally & not talk. But that didn't stop actions

BeefySenpie · M

Deeply reflecting on our mistakes or times we made choices that weren't ideal is the way we ensure those decisions aren't repeated. Thank you for sharing with us bro

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@BeefySenpie it's hard to reflect sometimes too because a lot of people see themselves as right & don't look at what's wrong. But we can be wrong even if we're right

Sharky86 · 36-40, M

Hugs, I had a story with anger and hate too that I'm always afraid it will come back to the surface.

InHeaven · F

Standing up for your mom is the right thing to do. How old was his son when he screamed/got scared?

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ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@InHeaven yeah I remember things from that age but that's probably because that was the age my mom left & I saw a lot of bad things between her & my dad. But now I'm kinda just hoping that kid is growing up okay. That was years ago

InHeaven · F

Same thing@ChiefJustWalks I remember my violent father cause he was violent every day all day long, but not the random things by random people, only repetitive

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@InHeaven I'm sorry 🥺🖤

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ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@nightjourney I always had the deepest appreciation for my mom despite her not being in most of my life. But thank you

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TheRascallyOne · 31-35, M

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@TheRascallyOne scary ass rabbit lol

AuRevoir · 36-40, M

*Insults your toilet paper roll..* 😷 Pffttt that thing looks like it eats shit………

Iwillwait · M

Thank you for sharing, Brother.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Iwillwait of course 🙌

TexChik · F

PTSD?

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@TexChik shit I hope not 😬😅

TexChik · F

@ChiefJustWalks I have it, and RAGE is always readily available

InvictusIndigo · 22-25, M

Man do we have some shit in common. I've got nothing but respect and love for you, man. You seem to have learned a lot from all the bad things in life and have still come out of it a good person.

Montanaman · M

[media=https://youtu.be/qo5jnBJvGUs]
😳🙄😞🤗💞✍️
You should repost or rewrite those stories. I for one am interested and support you 💯 %.

uncalled4 · 56-60, M

There's wisdom beyond your years in those words.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@uncalled4 thank you man 🙏 I'm glad at least something resulted

Fukfacewillie · 56-60, M

You are still getting into situations, and that is still a choice. Don’t go to the thing, the bar, the gathering. You will know.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Fukfacewillie I'm not 100% sure what you mean but life's been pretty chill these days 🤙

Fukfacewillie · 56-60, M

@ChiefJustWalks Why is it more chill now?

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