Random
Only logged in members can reply and interact with the post.
Join SimilarWorlds for FREE »

Thinking about the violence & shit from my past..

I never felt like an evil person & I had a lot of love in my heart but that anger I carried stemmed from many things. Perhaps mostly the abuse I dealt with as a child. Even my outside family never knew what was happening at home & most of them still really don't. It's just not talked about.

I wouldn't hurt people who didn't deserve it & I wouldn't pick fights with people who didn't want to fight. But once I would get to that point of fighting I'd black out & only remember a few things. I'd get tunnel vision & only see my target. I saw nothing else.

I used to write about some of those incidents on my old SW account back in the early days here. Some people cared & talked, others insulted me for "glorifying violence" but I didn't speak on it to glorify it. I speak about my life here because I understand that I lived a very different life from most of you & I want to bring you into my world a bit. Judge me if you want, I just want to be understood.

I'll say that there was one incident when I had reconnected with my mom back when I was 18. My mom had her daughter in-law living with her who had a boyfriend & a son. My mom called for the boyfriend & he responded by yelling "what!?". Which was okay. What set me off was a bit later he raised his voice a lot louder & yelled "I F*CKING SAID WHAT!" Which sounded way too aggressive to me. I just didn't like the energy I felt from his voice at all & I felt like he disrespected my mom.
I burst into the room he was in & started yelling at him as if I were an angry father.
I don't even remember everything I was saying but I remember starting with "Who tf do you think you're talking to!? You watch your f*cking mouth & if you hear my mother call you, you treat her with respect & go talk to her face to face.." & as I was going on he puffed his chest out, tilted his head up, & said "what's up then?" Which if you don't know, is a way of challenging someone to a fight.

I instantly shoved him so hard his back hit the wall. As soon as he hit the wall I grabbed him by his throat & started choking him against the wall with one hand while I punched him in the face with the other. I only hit him that one time then I heard his son start screaming the most horrified scream I've ever heard from a kid. I forgot his son was there because all I saw was my target. That snapped me out of it & I let go of the guys throat. I didn't even say anything & he didn't either. I just dropped it all, lost all that energy, I turned around, & walked right out of the house.

I lit up a joint & smoked just thinking about everything. I thought about how much I reminded myself of my dad at that moment. He used to do the same things to me before I started fighting back.
I would never hurt a child, not physically & not mentally. But I felt so terrible because I knew I hurt that child mentally & he might never forget seeing his dad attacked like that. Even if he might've deserved it.

I noticed most of all my fights in my life were caused by me standing up for someone else. If anyone disrespected somebody I loved I took it personally & I had to do something about it. So it's funny because I kinda wasn't like my dad.. but I was. I was angry & I wanted to hurt people but I targeted bullies & people who caused pain to others. While maybe justifiable in some ways, I do realize now that was all just an excuse to take out my anger.

I'm not sure what made me wanna talk about this.. I was just thinking about it. That wasn't my last incident. I've been in a couple altercations since then. I just often think about it & even though I don't typically feel bad for them because they deserved it, I feel bad because it still takes a toll on you. At times I have montages of violent memories flashing in my head, whether it's something my dad did to me or something I did to someone else. It all jumbles together like it's all the same. Whether I was right or wrong I only want to forgive & be forgiven. & I don't mean in religion.. just with everyone in general.

I'm not even an angry person deep down.. I'm so loving. But I had so much anger my whole life I used it as a weapon for the people I loved.
That still doesn't make it right though. The energy it brings is something I just didn't want anymore. Which is why you don't see me engage in anything negative.
The energy you surround yourself with is the energy that consumes you.

Just food for thought
This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »
Dainbramadge · 56-60, M
This was a great read and also a great share.
We talk about this type of stuff all the time anyway so I can skip all of my disclaimers that I usually post. LOL
You touched on a few really good topics as well as some of these comments.
I never thought about the anger that I feel being directly from the way I was treated growing up. I always thought of myself as the White Knight. Swooping in to protect someone who didn't have that in them as well. It was a tool. A tool that I seem to look for reasons to use in that time in my life. The funny part about looking back is that other people would try to use that tool of mine as well.
You can call me chicken s*** if you like but my biggest problem with storing up all of that anger was that when it was finally released I wasn't interested in a fair fight. Someone had to be hurt. The way I saw it was someone earned my attention and they were going to get my undivided full attention.
It seemed like every altercation I was ever in held a possible charge resulting in 5 to 15 years in prison. I dodged some pretty screwed up bullets a few times.
The post that I wrote where I met you at was asking people if they thought that the tool was still in my box. It's kind of unsettling when you look back at the things you almost did much less the things that you actually did do.
When I was in anger Management it was a group thing. There were like 15 of us all in the same group for similar actions.
The coolest thing came from one of the guys in the group, not the counselor who I actually have a huge amount of respect for.
One night while I was sharing my thoughts to the group one of the guys told me " you're not the crime you committed".
Pretty simple thing to say but it really resonated with me at the time and it carried over for many years to follow.
The bad stuff, the scary stuff and the s*** that makes people lean back away from you when you are talking about it is not the only defining trait that you have. There is a lot more that makes you who you are.
I guess pretty much what I'm trying to say is don't beat yourself up over that past s***. People will continue to paint you with that brush for many many years but you know better. You know you have a good heart.
In case you are wondering, yes that tool will still be in your box.
But you either are or will just use it differently.
Also in my case and from what we have talked about before you don't have to worry about transferring those feelings to your own kids. I use my past as a blueprint for what not to do around or to my kids. I use my past to show my kids why that kind of thing is not healthy to do or think. So far it seems to be working.
ChiefJustWalks · 26-30
@Dainbramadge it's easy to let that anger get the better of you when it is finally released. I remember the first real fight I ever got in was in 5th grade & some kid pushed me. I reacted by grabbing him on the back of the neck, & slamming his face onto the ground from right there where we stood.
As I grew up I didn't want to hurt anyone but I wasn't afraid to either. & It's like I looked for it.
But that dude was right. We're not the crimes we commit.

I've told you before that I'm glad your kids have you 🤙 because you're able to teach them through respect & conversation instead of anger & fear. I would never want my kids afraid of me or angry with me.