Thinking about the violence & shit from my past..
I never felt like an evil person & I had a lot of love in my heart but that anger I carried stemmed from many things. Perhaps mostly the abuse I dealt with as a child. Even my outside family never knew what was happening at home & most of them still really don't. It's just not talked about.
I wouldn't hurt people who didn't deserve it & I wouldn't pick fights with people who didn't want to fight. But once I would get to that point of fighting I'd black out & only remember a few things. I'd get tunnel vision & only see my target. I saw nothing else.
I used to write about some of those incidents on my old SW account back in the early days here. Some people cared & talked, others insulted me for "glorifying violence" but I didn't speak on it to glorify it. I speak about my life here because I understand that I lived a very different life from most of you & I want to bring you into my world a bit. Judge me if you want, I just want to be understood.
I'll say that there was one incident when I had reconnected with my mom back when I was 18. My mom had her daughter in-law living with her who had a boyfriend & a son. My mom called for the boyfriend & he responded by yelling "what!?". Which was okay. What set me off was a bit later he raised his voice a lot louder & yelled "I F*CKING SAID WHAT!" Which sounded way too aggressive to me. I just didn't like the energy I felt from his voice at all & I felt like he disrespected my mom.
I burst into the room he was in & started yelling at him as if I were an angry father.
I don't even remember everything I was saying but I remember starting with "Who tf do you think you're talking to!? You watch your f*cking mouth & if you hear my mother call you, you treat her with respect & go talk to her face to face.." & as I was going on he puffed his chest out, tilted his head up, & said "what's up then?" Which if you don't know, is a way of challenging someone to a fight.
I instantly shoved him so hard his back hit the wall. As soon as he hit the wall I grabbed him by his throat & started choking him against the wall with one hand while I punched him in the face with the other. I only hit him that one time then I heard his son start screaming the most horrified scream I've ever heard from a kid. I forgot his son was there because all I saw was my target. That snapped me out of it & I let go of the guys throat. I didn't even say anything & he didn't either. I just dropped it all, lost all that energy, I turned around, & walked right out of the house.
I lit up a joint & smoked just thinking about everything. I thought about how much I reminded myself of my dad at that moment. He used to do the same things to me before I started fighting back.
I would never hurt a child, not physically & not mentally. But I felt so terrible because I knew I hurt that child mentally & he might never forget seeing his dad attacked like that. Even if he might've deserved it.
I noticed most of all my fights in my life were caused by me standing up for someone else. If anyone disrespected somebody I loved I took it personally & I had to do something about it. So it's funny because I kinda wasn't like my dad.. but I was. I was angry & I wanted to hurt people but I targeted bullies & people who caused pain to others. While maybe justifiable in some ways, I do realize now that was all just an excuse to take out my anger.
I'm not sure what made me wanna talk about this.. I was just thinking about it. That wasn't my last incident. I've been in a couple altercations since then. I just often think about it & even though I don't typically feel bad for them because they deserved it, I feel bad because it still takes a toll on you. At times I have montages of violent memories flashing in my head, whether it's something my dad did to me or something I did to someone else. It all jumbles together like it's all the same. Whether I was right or wrong I only want to forgive & be forgiven. & I don't mean in religion.. just with everyone in general.
I'm not even an angry person deep down.. I'm so loving. But I had so much anger my whole life I used it as a weapon for the people I loved.
That still doesn't make it right though. The energy it brings is something I just didn't want anymore. Which is why you don't see me engage in anything negative.
The energy you surround yourself with is the energy that consumes you.
Just food for thought
I wouldn't hurt people who didn't deserve it & I wouldn't pick fights with people who didn't want to fight. But once I would get to that point of fighting I'd black out & only remember a few things. I'd get tunnel vision & only see my target. I saw nothing else.
I used to write about some of those incidents on my old SW account back in the early days here. Some people cared & talked, others insulted me for "glorifying violence" but I didn't speak on it to glorify it. I speak about my life here because I understand that I lived a very different life from most of you & I want to bring you into my world a bit. Judge me if you want, I just want to be understood.
I'll say that there was one incident when I had reconnected with my mom back when I was 18. My mom had her daughter in-law living with her who had a boyfriend & a son. My mom called for the boyfriend & he responded by yelling "what!?". Which was okay. What set me off was a bit later he raised his voice a lot louder & yelled "I F*CKING SAID WHAT!" Which sounded way too aggressive to me. I just didn't like the energy I felt from his voice at all & I felt like he disrespected my mom.
I burst into the room he was in & started yelling at him as if I were an angry father.
I don't even remember everything I was saying but I remember starting with "Who tf do you think you're talking to!? You watch your f*cking mouth & if you hear my mother call you, you treat her with respect & go talk to her face to face.." & as I was going on he puffed his chest out, tilted his head up, & said "what's up then?" Which if you don't know, is a way of challenging someone to a fight.
I instantly shoved him so hard his back hit the wall. As soon as he hit the wall I grabbed him by his throat & started choking him against the wall with one hand while I punched him in the face with the other. I only hit him that one time then I heard his son start screaming the most horrified scream I've ever heard from a kid. I forgot his son was there because all I saw was my target. That snapped me out of it & I let go of the guys throat. I didn't even say anything & he didn't either. I just dropped it all, lost all that energy, I turned around, & walked right out of the house.
I lit up a joint & smoked just thinking about everything. I thought about how much I reminded myself of my dad at that moment. He used to do the same things to me before I started fighting back.
I would never hurt a child, not physically & not mentally. But I felt so terrible because I knew I hurt that child mentally & he might never forget seeing his dad attacked like that. Even if he might've deserved it.
I noticed most of all my fights in my life were caused by me standing up for someone else. If anyone disrespected somebody I loved I took it personally & I had to do something about it. So it's funny because I kinda wasn't like my dad.. but I was. I was angry & I wanted to hurt people but I targeted bullies & people who caused pain to others. While maybe justifiable in some ways, I do realize now that was all just an excuse to take out my anger.
I'm not sure what made me wanna talk about this.. I was just thinking about it. That wasn't my last incident. I've been in a couple altercations since then. I just often think about it & even though I don't typically feel bad for them because they deserved it, I feel bad because it still takes a toll on you. At times I have montages of violent memories flashing in my head, whether it's something my dad did to me or something I did to someone else. It all jumbles together like it's all the same. Whether I was right or wrong I only want to forgive & be forgiven. & I don't mean in religion.. just with everyone in general.
I'm not even an angry person deep down.. I'm so loving. But I had so much anger my whole life I used it as a weapon for the people I loved.
That still doesn't make it right though. The energy it brings is something I just didn't want anymore. Which is why you don't see me engage in anything negative.
The energy you surround yourself with is the energy that consumes you.
Just food for thought
