I need advice and opinions.
I’d really appreciate some outside perspectives because sometimes I feel like I’m going in circles trying to figure this out.
Background:
I met this guy online almost 5 years ago we will call him Cohen. We dated long-distance for about two months, but he broke it off because the distance was too much. He had one gf in between and we stayed friends during that time, I am his only ex that he is still in contact with. A little while after he broke up with that gf he admitted that deep down he wished he could be with me, but the thought of it scared him. That he was terrified to lose me and my friendship. Around that same time, I also heard (through others) that he said things like he wasn’t attracted to me, or even made comments about me looking ugly. I never took much offense to that because:
He had been the one to ask me out and tell me he loved me first, even when I looked sweaty and gross after a workout.
His actions never matched those words.
I’ve always suspected (as well as others) that he may have said things like that as a way of convincing himself not to feel what he felt and continue to push down feelings he’s scared of.
A little less than a year later, I moved to the same state for college after some convincing from him, and we became best friends. Then through a twist of circumstances, I ended up living in the same house as him and his conservative Christian parents. Eventually, we slipped into a friends-with-benefits situation that we’ve kept very quiet because of the living arrangement.
Where things stand now:
He’s in the military and currently at AIT. Ever since he left for training, and even before that I’ve been his consistent support person. I’ve answered every call, and he’s leaned on me heavily. He calls me first thing when he lands somewhere, even if it’s just for a few minutes. He’s openly emotional with me in ways he’s not with his family, or even his best friend since elementary school who he used to talk to about everything but now he comes to me. He tells me he hates it there, that it feels like prison, and even gets close to tears. His family’s and friends reactions have been more surface-level (“well, he signed up for this” “he’ll get through” etc), but with me, he’s raw. I think he knows I won’t brush him off, and he trusts me to really hear him.
This past weekend:
He came home for a wedding, and I stayed at a hotel with him. Honestly, it felt more like we were a couple than “just FWB.” He brought me everywhere: the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, the bachelor party (which was all guys except me), the wedding, family hangouts — he didn’t just tolerate me tagging along, he made sure I was included and kept telling me that I was his plus one, that I was just as much his partner as any of the other partners and that I had every right to be there.
At the hotel, he was freezing me out with the AC in the car all weekend, but when it came to nighttime, he turned it down and told me to scoot closer because “body heat is better.” He kept me right next to him all night. Every time I woke up, he was still there beside me, and it made me feel so safe. We even had little “ordinary couple” moments — ordering pizza in bed, walking to the gas station for snacks, watching a movie together (which we did every night for months together before he left for basic). He kept referencing that he wished we had longer on the trip so we could just enjoy and go explore together and even talked about how, in the future, once he’s back and has money and time, he wants to just pick random cheap flights with me and explore places together.
Other things he does:
He’s protective of me in everyday ways: worrying about my car being a “death trap,” and telling me the next car I buy needs to be a 6 cylinder with more space so when he drives it it picks up speed and is more roomy, he reminds me to bring my gun for safety, and said “I really don’t like that” when he found out I didn’t have a bullet chambered then pushed me to keep a bullet chambered so he could know I was safe, kept checking on me during my part of the trip without him making sure I was safe and then once he was around checking on things like tire pressure, and my brakes.
He told me he’s turned down multiple girls hitting on him at training, including ones who are “pretty.” He even started wearing a ring to make it look like he’s taken. And I know this is true because I overheard multiple of his phone conversations with his battle buddies. Yet with me, one of the very first things he wanted when he saw me again was intimacy. It wasn’t casual — it was urgent and personal.
He relies on me not just for emotional support but also practical stuff. For example, he’ll ask me to check on things with his mom, I have his password to everything, his bank account, and his dog while he is gone. The entire trip I also had his phone and he had me going through old text messages and his photos to find things for him so he’s not hiding anything from me. It’s like I’m his go-between and problem-solver.
The confusing part:
In the past, he’s made comments about me having “no personality,” or not being “wild” enough. He’s used to dating loud, toxic girls who leave him guessing, so I think my quieter nature feels unfamiliar to him. But his best friend has even defended me, saying I do have a personality, I just don’t jump into every conversation, especially ones that aren’t mine. And he’s right, I grew up in New England, in a home where speaking up often got me shut down, so I learned to be quiet. I’m working on speaking up more because I want to grow for myself, but it’s not something I can just flip on overnight.
He sometimes frames my quietness like it’s a “compatibility” issue. But at the same time, he pulls me close in bed, worries about my feelings when someone suggests setting him up with someone else (on the trip his buddy who was getting married was trying to match him up with his soon to be wife’s sister. Cohen and I had had $ex and after he asked if we were still o the original same page about it just being casual fwb’s and I told him yes because I’ve always told him the ball is in his court as far as changing that. Then he told me about his friend trying to set him up with his soon to be sister in law and said he didn’t wanna do it if it would make me at all in any way sad or upset, mind you he has been with people in the past and my feelings on them or the fact that he was in a relationship were never a concern for him. He asked my opinion and I was totally caught off guard but told him I don’t think it’s my place to have an opinion unless something has changed that I’m unaware about. To which he pressed further making sure I wouldn’t be upset. Then when I didn’t whole heartedly agree with an emphatic yes that I wouldn’t be upset, (though I did tell him to go for it because I truly feel I shouldn’t have a say if we aren’t a thing) then even though she was exactly his type he tanked the whole thing), I also am the one he goes to to tell his deepest fears, and discuss his future plans, and he’s always getting my opinions on them. He even asked if I liked his mustache and said if I didn’t he would shave it off, I told him I like it. Then anyone else who mentioned it in a bad way got a very crisp I like it, I’m proud of it, it’s not going anywhere.
His words sometimes push me away, but his actions keep pulling me in.
Where I’m at:
I love him. He feels like my safe person. He can be wishy-washy and sometimes cause me heartache with mixed signals, but he’s also saved my life more than once, makes me feel secure and loved, and this weekend with him, I felt it even more strongly than ever. Everyone around sees it and every one who doesn’t know us closely thinks we are a couple. Our close friends (including his best friend since elementary school) are hoping that once he’s done with AIT, he’ll commit to me fully. I’d be fine waiting, but what’s hard is not knowing if that’s even where this is heading.
What do y’all think?
Background:
I met this guy online almost 5 years ago we will call him Cohen. We dated long-distance for about two months, but he broke it off because the distance was too much. He had one gf in between and we stayed friends during that time, I am his only ex that he is still in contact with. A little while after he broke up with that gf he admitted that deep down he wished he could be with me, but the thought of it scared him. That he was terrified to lose me and my friendship. Around that same time, I also heard (through others) that he said things like he wasn’t attracted to me, or even made comments about me looking ugly. I never took much offense to that because:
He had been the one to ask me out and tell me he loved me first, even when I looked sweaty and gross after a workout.
His actions never matched those words.
I’ve always suspected (as well as others) that he may have said things like that as a way of convincing himself not to feel what he felt and continue to push down feelings he’s scared of.
A little less than a year later, I moved to the same state for college after some convincing from him, and we became best friends. Then through a twist of circumstances, I ended up living in the same house as him and his conservative Christian parents. Eventually, we slipped into a friends-with-benefits situation that we’ve kept very quiet because of the living arrangement.
Where things stand now:
He’s in the military and currently at AIT. Ever since he left for training, and even before that I’ve been his consistent support person. I’ve answered every call, and he’s leaned on me heavily. He calls me first thing when he lands somewhere, even if it’s just for a few minutes. He’s openly emotional with me in ways he’s not with his family, or even his best friend since elementary school who he used to talk to about everything but now he comes to me. He tells me he hates it there, that it feels like prison, and even gets close to tears. His family’s and friends reactions have been more surface-level (“well, he signed up for this” “he’ll get through” etc), but with me, he’s raw. I think he knows I won’t brush him off, and he trusts me to really hear him.
This past weekend:
He came home for a wedding, and I stayed at a hotel with him. Honestly, it felt more like we were a couple than “just FWB.” He brought me everywhere: the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, the bachelor party (which was all guys except me), the wedding, family hangouts — he didn’t just tolerate me tagging along, he made sure I was included and kept telling me that I was his plus one, that I was just as much his partner as any of the other partners and that I had every right to be there.
At the hotel, he was freezing me out with the AC in the car all weekend, but when it came to nighttime, he turned it down and told me to scoot closer because “body heat is better.” He kept me right next to him all night. Every time I woke up, he was still there beside me, and it made me feel so safe. We even had little “ordinary couple” moments — ordering pizza in bed, walking to the gas station for snacks, watching a movie together (which we did every night for months together before he left for basic). He kept referencing that he wished we had longer on the trip so we could just enjoy and go explore together and even talked about how, in the future, once he’s back and has money and time, he wants to just pick random cheap flights with me and explore places together.
Other things he does:
He’s protective of me in everyday ways: worrying about my car being a “death trap,” and telling me the next car I buy needs to be a 6 cylinder with more space so when he drives it it picks up speed and is more roomy, he reminds me to bring my gun for safety, and said “I really don’t like that” when he found out I didn’t have a bullet chambered then pushed me to keep a bullet chambered so he could know I was safe, kept checking on me during my part of the trip without him making sure I was safe and then once he was around checking on things like tire pressure, and my brakes.
He told me he’s turned down multiple girls hitting on him at training, including ones who are “pretty.” He even started wearing a ring to make it look like he’s taken. And I know this is true because I overheard multiple of his phone conversations with his battle buddies. Yet with me, one of the very first things he wanted when he saw me again was intimacy. It wasn’t casual — it was urgent and personal.
He relies on me not just for emotional support but also practical stuff. For example, he’ll ask me to check on things with his mom, I have his password to everything, his bank account, and his dog while he is gone. The entire trip I also had his phone and he had me going through old text messages and his photos to find things for him so he’s not hiding anything from me. It’s like I’m his go-between and problem-solver.
The confusing part:
In the past, he’s made comments about me having “no personality,” or not being “wild” enough. He’s used to dating loud, toxic girls who leave him guessing, so I think my quieter nature feels unfamiliar to him. But his best friend has even defended me, saying I do have a personality, I just don’t jump into every conversation, especially ones that aren’t mine. And he’s right, I grew up in New England, in a home where speaking up often got me shut down, so I learned to be quiet. I’m working on speaking up more because I want to grow for myself, but it’s not something I can just flip on overnight.
He sometimes frames my quietness like it’s a “compatibility” issue. But at the same time, he pulls me close in bed, worries about my feelings when someone suggests setting him up with someone else (on the trip his buddy who was getting married was trying to match him up with his soon to be wife’s sister. Cohen and I had had $ex and after he asked if we were still o the original same page about it just being casual fwb’s and I told him yes because I’ve always told him the ball is in his court as far as changing that. Then he told me about his friend trying to set him up with his soon to be sister in law and said he didn’t wanna do it if it would make me at all in any way sad or upset, mind you he has been with people in the past and my feelings on them or the fact that he was in a relationship were never a concern for him. He asked my opinion and I was totally caught off guard but told him I don’t think it’s my place to have an opinion unless something has changed that I’m unaware about. To which he pressed further making sure I wouldn’t be upset. Then when I didn’t whole heartedly agree with an emphatic yes that I wouldn’t be upset, (though I did tell him to go for it because I truly feel I shouldn’t have a say if we aren’t a thing) then even though she was exactly his type he tanked the whole thing), I also am the one he goes to to tell his deepest fears, and discuss his future plans, and he’s always getting my opinions on them. He even asked if I liked his mustache and said if I didn’t he would shave it off, I told him I like it. Then anyone else who mentioned it in a bad way got a very crisp I like it, I’m proud of it, it’s not going anywhere.
His words sometimes push me away, but his actions keep pulling me in.
Where I’m at:
I love him. He feels like my safe person. He can be wishy-washy and sometimes cause me heartache with mixed signals, but he’s also saved my life more than once, makes me feel secure and loved, and this weekend with him, I felt it even more strongly than ever. Everyone around sees it and every one who doesn’t know us closely thinks we are a couple. Our close friends (including his best friend since elementary school) are hoping that once he’s done with AIT, he’ll commit to me fully. I’d be fine waiting, but what’s hard is not knowing if that’s even where this is heading.
What do y’all think?
