How do I get through this? Am I a bad mum?

I don’t want to ramble on, I just have nobody else to speak to and need to get this out somewhere. Im not trying to victimise myself I know I have responsibility here I just feel like the worst person ever.

I am currently back at work full time after having my first child. I would prefer to be with my son but unfortunately during my maternity leave myself and my partner struggled financially and ran up some debt. I feel like the worst mum ever for leaving my son as he isn’t even 1 yet and I just want to be there for those big moments like first steps, first words etc.

My financial position just now is crippling me. I know eventually it’ll be okay once the debt is sorted and I have some savings back behind us. I just want to be able to enjoy time with my son without worrying. I feel this heavy weight on my chest worrying about money and being a crap mum. It’s 22 minutes past 1 and I’m up for work in a few hours and I can’t sleep because I’m so worried and stressed.

I’ve had some dark thoughts and although I know this is irrational I often wonder if my son would be better off without me. Maybe my partner would meet someone else who could be a better mum to our son. I just really don’t know how to go on feeling like this. I never realised how much money worries can impact you until now.

Another thing playing on my mind is that I was abused when I was younger and I feel as if I want to be present 24/7 to protect my son from what I went through. I know again this is irrational but it’s just another thing piling on me.

Thanks for reading this far. I just needed to vent really.

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Adogslife · 61-69, M

First, what you’re feeling is normal. People go through tough times both mentally and physically. Don’t judge yourself too harshly.

As for your child, they only care that they’re loved. If you continually show that love, everything else is explainable as they get older. That love wont allow abuse.

If you need help beyond your partner, most medical coverage helps with therapy. It’s a wonderful thing. If you broke your leg, you’d certainly seek help. If your mind is off track, it’s the exact same thing. There’s always a remedy.

As for debt, that’s not as hard as you think. Talk purchases over before buying. You know what’s needed and what’s frivolous. If you can’t afford to pay cash, you can’t afford it.

If you want to afford more, it’s easy. Communicate at work. If you don’t tell your boss you’re going to kick ass so you can get a raise or promoted, DON’T assume they know or care. Income isn’t random. It goes to those that state their plan and back it up. Don’t complain. Stay out of politics. If you need to leave a job for higher wages, do it. Evaluate you income path every two years. Don’t listen to promises. If your goal is to punch in and punch out, expect your paycheck to reflect the same.

Attack success. Attack it as a mom, wife and employee. The results will come. You will succeed.