How do I get through this? Am I a bad mum?

I don’t want to ramble on, I just have nobody else to speak to and need to get this out somewhere. Im not trying to victimise myself I know I have responsibility here I just feel like the worst person ever.

I am currently back at work full time after having my first child. I would prefer to be with my son but unfortunately during my maternity leave myself and my partner struggled financially and ran up some debt. I feel like the worst mum ever for leaving my son as he isn’t even 1 yet and I just want to be there for those big moments like first steps, first words etc.

My financial position just now is crippling me. I know eventually it’ll be okay once the debt is sorted and I have some savings back behind us. I just want to be able to enjoy time with my son without worrying. I feel this heavy weight on my chest worrying about money and being a crap mum. It’s 22 minutes past 1 and I’m up for work in a few hours and I can’t sleep because I’m so worried and stressed.

I’ve had some dark thoughts and although I know this is irrational I often wonder if my son would be better off without me. Maybe my partner would meet someone else who could be a better mum to our son. I just really don’t know how to go on feeling like this. I never realised how much money worries can impact you until now.

Another thing playing on my mind is that I was abused when I was younger and I feel as if I want to be present 24/7 to protect my son from what I went through. I know again this is irrational but it’s just another thing piling on me.

Thanks for reading this far. I just needed to vent really.